Annie Hall
Writers: Woody Allen, Marshall Brickman
ANNIE HALL
written by
Woody Allen
Marshall Brickman
(Sound and Woody Allen monologue begin)
FADE IN:
White credits dissolve in and out on black screen. No sound.
FADE OUT: credits
FADE IN:
Abrupt medium close-up of Alvy Singer doing a comedy monologue. He
wearing a crumbled sports jacket and tieless shirt; the background is stark.
ALVY
There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly
women are at a Catskills mountain
resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the
food at this place is really terrible."
The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and
such ... small portions." Well, that's
essentially how I feel about life. Full
of loneliness and misery and suffering
and unhappiness, and it's all over much
too quickly. The-the other important
joke for me is one that's, uh, usually
attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think
it appears originally in Freud's wit and
its relation to the unconscious. And it
goes like this-I'm paraphrasing: Uh ...
"I would never wanna belong to any club
that would have someone like me for a
member." That's the key joke of my adult
life in terms of my relationships with
women. Tsch, you know, lately the
strangest things have been going
through my mind, 'cause I turned forty,
tsch, and I guess I'm going through a
life crisis or something, I don't know.
I, uh ... and I'm not worried about aging.
I'm not one o' those characters, you know.
Although I'm balding slightly on top, that's
about the worst you can say about me. I,
uh, I think I'm gonna get better as I get
older, you know? I think I'm gonna be the-
the balding virile type, you know, as
opposed to say the, uh, distinguished
gray, for instance, you know? 'Less I'm
neither o' those two. Unless I'm one o'
those guys with saliva dribbling out of
his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria
with a shopping bag screaming about
socialism.
(Sighing)
Annie and I broke up and I-I still can't
get my mind around that. You know, I-I
keep sifting the pieces of the relationship
through my mind and-and examining my life
and tryin' to figure out where did the
screw-up come, you know, and a year ago we
were... tsch, in love. You know, and-and-and
... And it's funny, I'm not-I'm not a
morose type. I'm not a depressive character.
I-I-I, uh,
(Laughing)
you know, I was a reasonably happy kid,
I guess. I was brought up in Brooklyn
during World War II.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE-DAY
Alvy as young boy sits on a sofa with his mother in an old-fashioned,
cluttered doctor's office. The doctor stands near the sofa, holding a
cigarette and listening.
MOTHER
(To the doctor)
He's been depressed. All off a sudden,
he can't do anything.
DOCTOR
(Nodding)
Why are you depressed, Alvy?
MOTHER
(Nudging Alvy)
Tell Dr. Flicker.
(Young Alvy sits, his head down. His
mother answers for him)
It's something he read.
DOCTOR
(Puffing on his cigarette and
nodding)
Something he read, huh?
ALVY
(His head still down)
The universe is expanding.
DOCTOR
The universe is expanding?
ALVY
(Looking up at the doctor)
Well, the universe is everything, and if
it's expanding, someday it will break apart
and that would be the end of everything!
Disgusted, his mother looks at him.
MOTHER
(shouting)
What is that your business?
(she turns back to the doctor)
He stopped doing his homework.
ALVY
What's the point?
MOTHER
(Excited, gesturing with her hands)
What has the universe got to do with it?
You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not
expanding!
DOCTOR
(Heartily, looking down at Alvy)
It won't be expanding for billions of years
yet, Alvy. And we've gotta try to enjoy
ourselves while we're here. Uh?
He laughs.
CUT TO:
Fall shot of house with an amusement-park roller-coaster ride built over it.
A line of cars move up and then slides with great speed while out the window
of the house a band shakes a dust mop.
ALVY'S VOICE
My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood
memories, but I swear I was brought up
underneath the roller-
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE
Alvy as a child sits at the table eating soup and reading a comic book while
his father sits on the sofa reading the paper. The house shakes with every
move of the roller coaster.
ALVY'S VOICE
-coaster in the Coney Island section of
Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts for my
personality, which is a little nervous, I
think.
CUT TO:
Young Alvy at the food-stand concession watching three military men
representing the Army, the Navy and the Marines arm in arm with a blond woman
in a skirted bathing suit. They all turn and run toward the foreground. The
girl stops before the camera to lean over and throw a kiss. The sign over the
concession reads "Steve's Famous Clam Bar. Ice Cold Beer, "and the roller
coaster is moving in full gear in the background.
ALVY'S VOICE
You know, I have a hyperactive imagination.
My mind tends to jump around a little, and
have some trouble between fantasy and reality.
CUT TO:
Full shot of people in bumper cars thoroughly enjoying bumping into each other
as Alvy father stands in the center of the track directing traffic.
ALVY'S VOICE
My father ran the bumper-car concession.
(Alvy as a child moves into the frame
driving a bumper car. He stops as other
cars bombard him. His father continues
to direct the traffic)
There-there he is and there I am. But I-I-I-I
used to get my aggression out through those
cars all the time.
Alvy backs up his car off screen.
INT. SCHOOLROOM - DAY
The camera pans over three austere-looking teachers standing in front of the
blackboard. The chalk writing on the board changes as each teacher lectures.
While Alvy speaks, one of the male teachers puts an equation on the blackboard.
- "2 X 10 = 20 " and other arithmetic formulas.
ALVY'S VOICE
I remember the staff at our public
school. You know, we had a saying, uh,
that "Those who can't do, teach, and
those who can't teach, teach gym." And
...uh, h'h, of course, those who couldn't
do anything, I think, were assigned to
our school. I must say-
CUT TO:
A female teacher standing in front of an old-fashioned schoolroom. The
blackboard behind her reads "Transportation Administration. The camera pans
her point of view: a group of young students sitting behind their desks. Alvy
as a child sits in a center desk wile all around him there is student activity;
there is note-passing, ruler-tapping, nose-picking, gumchewing.
ALVY'S VOICE
I always felt my schoolmates were idiots.
Melvyn Greenglass, you know, fat little
face, and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss
Perfect all the time. And-and Ivan
Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always.
Ivan stands up behind his desk.
IVAN
Seven and three is nine.
Alvy hits his forehead with his hand. Another student glances over at him,
reacting.
ALVY'S VOICE
Even then I knew they were just jerks.
(The camera moves back to the teacher,
who is glaring out at her students)
In nineteen forty-two I had already dis-
As Alvy talks, the camera shows him move from his seat and kiss a young girl.
She jumps from her seat in disgust, rubbing her cheek, as Alvy moves back to
his seat.
1ST GIRL
(Making noises)
Ugh, he kissed me, he kissed me.
TEACHER
(Off screen)
That's the second time this month! Step
up here!
As the teacher, really glaring now, speaks, Alvy rises from his seat and moves
over to her. Angry, she points with her band while the students turn their
heads to watch what will happen next.
ALVY
What'd I do?
TEACHER
Step up here!
ALVY
What'd I do?
TEACHER
You should be ashamed of yourself.
The students, their heads still turned, look back at Alvy, now an adult,
sitting in the last seat of the second row.
ALVY (AS ADULT)
(First off screen, then onscreen as
camera moves over to the back of the
classroom)
Why, I was just expressing a healthy sexual
curiosity.
TEACHER
(The younger, Alvy standing next to her)
Six-year-old boys don't have girls on
their minds.
ALVY (AS ADULT)
(Still sitting in the back of
the classroom)
I did.
The girl the young Alvy kissed turns to the older Alvy, she gestures and
speaks.
1ST GIRL
For God's sakes, Alvy, even Freud speaks
of a latency period.
ALVY (AS ADULT)
(Gesturing)
Well, I never had a latency period. I
can't help it.
TEACHER
(With young, Alvy still at her side)
Why couldn't you have been more like Donald?
(The camera pans over to Donald,
sitting up tall in his seat, then
back to the teacher)
Now, there was a model boy!
ALVY (AS CHILD)
(Still standing next to the teacher)
Tell the folks where you are today, Donald.
DONALD
I run a profitable dress company.
ALVY'S VOICE
Right. Sometimes I wonder where my
classmates are today.
The camera shows the full classroom, the students sitting behind their desks,
the teacher standing in the front of the room. One at a time, the young
students rise u from their desks and speak.
1ST BOY
I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company.
2ND BOY
I sell tallises.
3RD BOY
I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a
methadone addict.
2ND GIRL
I'm into leather.
INT. ROOM
Close-up of a TV screen showing Alvy as an adult on a talk show. He sits next
to the show, host, Dick Cavett, a Navy man sits on his right. Static is heard
throughout the dialogue.
ALVY
I lost track of most of my old schoolmates,
but I wound up a comedian. They did not take
me in the Army. I was, uh ... Interestingly
enough, I was-I was four-P.
Sounds of TV audience laughter and applause are heard.
DICK CAVETT
Four-P?
ALVY
Yes. In-in-in-in the event of war, I'm a
hostage.
More audience laughter joined by Dick Cavett and the naval officer.
INT. THE HOUSE WHERE ALVY GREW UP
Alvy's mother sits at the old-fashioned dining-room table peeling carrots and
talking as she looks off screen.
MOTHER
You always only saw the worst in people.
You never could get along with anyone at
school. You were always outta step with the
world. Even when you got famous, you still
distrusted the world.'
EXT. MANHATTAN STREET-DAY
A pretty Manhattan street with sidewalk trees, brownstones, a school; people
mill about, some strolling and carrying bundles, others buried. The screen
shows the whole length of the sidewalk, a street, and part of the sidewalk
beyond. As the following scene ensues, two pedestrians, indistinguishable in
the distance, come closer and closer toward the camera, recognizable, finally,
as Alvy and his best friend, Rob, deep in conversation. They eventually move
past the camera and off screen. Traffic noise is heard in the background.
ALVY
I distinctly heard it. He muttered under
his breath, "Jew."
ROB
You're crazy!
ALVY
No, I'm not. We were walking off the
tennis court, and you know, he was there
and me and his wife, and he looked at her
and then they both looked at me, and under
his breath he said, "Jew."
ROB
Alvy, you're a total paranoid.
ALVY
Wh- How am I a paran-? Well, I pick up on
those kind o' things. You know, I was
having lunch with some guys from NBC, so
I said ... uh, "Did you eat yet or what?"
and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?"
Not, did you, didchoo eat? Jew? No, not
did you eat, but Jew eat? Jew. You get it?
Jew eat?
ROB
Ah, Max, you, uh ...
ALVY
Stop calling me Max.
ROB
Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max,
you see conspiracies in everything.
ALVY
No, I don't! You know, I was in a record
store. Listen to this -so I know there's
this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and
he's lookin' at me in a funny way and
smiling and he's saying, "Yes, we have a
sale this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max,
Wagner-so I know what he's really tryin'
to tell me very significantly Wagner.
ROB
Right, Max. California, Max.
ALVY
Ah.
ROB
Let's get the hell outta this crazy city.
ALVY
Forget it, Max.
ROB
-we move to sunny L.A. All of show business
is out there, Max.
ALVY
No, I cannot. You keep bringing it up, but
I don't wanna live in a city where the only
cultural advantage is that you can make a
right turn on a red light.
ROB
(Checking his watch)
Right, Max, forget it. Aren't you gonna be
late for meeting Annie?
ALVY
I'm gonna meet her in front of the Beekman.
I think I have a few minutes left. Right?
EXT. BEEKMAN THEATER-DAY
Alvy stands in front of glass doors of theater, the ticket taker behind him
just inside the glass doors. The sounds of city traffic, car horns honking,
can be heard while he looks around waiting for, Annie. A man in a black leather
jacket, walking past the theater, stops in front of, Alvy. He looks at him,
then moves away. He stops a few steps farther and turns around to look at Alvy
again. Alvy looks away, then back at the man. The man continues to stare.
Alvy scratches his head, looking for Annie and trying not to notice the man.
The man, still staring, walks back to Alvy.
1ST MAN
Hey, you on television?
ALVY
(Nodding his head)
No. Yeah, once in a while. You know,
like occasionally.
1ST MAN
What's your name?
ALVY
(Clearing his throat)
You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter.
What's the difference?
1ST MAN
You were on ... uh, the ... uh, the Johnny
Carson, right?
ALVY
Once in a while, you know. I mean, you
know, every now-
1ST MAN
What's your name?
Alvy is getting more and more uneasy as the man talks; more and more people
move through the doors of the theater.
ALVY
(Nervously)
I'm ... I'm, uh, I'm Robert Redford.
1ST MAN
(Laughing)
Come on.
ALVY
Alvy Singer. It was nice nice ... Thanks
very much ... for everything.
They shake hands and Alvy pats the man's arm. The man in turn looks over his
shoulder and motions to another man. All excited now, he points to Alvy and
calls out. Alvy looks impatient.
1ST MAN
Hey!
2ND MAN
(Off screen)
What?
1ST MAN
This is Alvy Singer!
ALVY
Fellas ... you know-Jesus! Come on!
1ST MAN
(Overlapping, ignoring Alvy)
This guy's on television! Alvy
Singer, right? Am I right?
ALVY
(Overlapping 1st man)
Gimme a break, will yuh, gimme a break.
Jesus Christ!
1ST MAN
(Still ignoring Alvy's protestations)
This guy's on television.
ALVY
I need a large polo mallet!
2ND MAN
(Moving into the screen)
Who's on television?
1ST MAN
This guy, on the Johnny Carson show.
ALVY
(Annoyed)
Fellas, what is this-a meeting o' the
teamsters? You know.. .
2ND MAN
(Also ignoring Alvy)
What program?
1ST MAN
(Holding out a matchbook)
Can I have your autograph?
ALVY
You don't want my autograph.
1ST MAN
(Overlapping, Alvy's speech)
Yeah, I do. It's for my girl friend.
Make it out to Ralph.
ALVY
(Taking the matchbook and pen and
writing)
Your girl friend's name is Ralph?
1ST MAN
It's for my brudder.
(To passersby)
Alvy Singer! Hey! This is Alvy-
2ND MAN
(To Alvy, overlapping 1st man's speech)
You really Alvy Singer, the ... the
TV star?
Nodding his head yes, Alvy shoves 2nd man aside and moves to the curb of the
sidewalk. The two men follow, still talking over the traffic noise.
1ST MAN
-Singer!
2ND MAN
Alvy Singer over here!
A cab moves into the frame and stops by the curb. Alvy moves over to it about
to get in.
ALVY
(Overlapping the two men and
stuttering)
I-i-i-i-it's all right, fellas.
(As Alvy opens the cab door, the
two men still behind him, Annie
gets out)
Jesus, what'd you do, come by way of
the Panama Canal?
ANNIE
(Overlapping Alvy)
Alright, alright, I'm in a bad mood, okay?
Annie closes the cab door and she and Alvy move over to the ticket booth of
the theater as they continue to talk.
ALVY
Bad mood? I'm standing with the cast of
"The Godfather."
ANNIE
You're gonna hafta learn to deal with it.
ALVY
Deal! I'm dealing with two guys named
Cheech!
ANNIE
Okay.
(They move into the ticket line,
still talking. A billboard next to
them reads "INGMAR BERGMAN'S 'FACE
TO FACE ,'LIV ULLMANN")
Please, I have a headache, all right?
ALVY
Hey, you are in a bad mood. You-you-
you must be getting your period.
ANNIE
I'm not getting my period. Jesus, every
time anything out of the ordinary happens,
you think that I'm getting my period!
They move over to the ticket counter, people in front of them buying tickets
and walking off screen.
ALVY
(Gesturing)
A li-little louder. I think one of them
may have missed it!
(To the ticket clerk)
H'm, has the picture started yet?
TICKET CLERK
It started two minutes ago.
ALVY
(Hitting his hand on the counter)
That's it! Forget it! I-I can't go in.
ANNIE
Two minutes, Alvy.
ALVY
(Overlapping Annie)
No, I'm sorry, I can't do it. We-we've
blown it already. I-you know, uh, I-I
can't go in in the middle.
ANNIE
In the middle?
(Alvy nods his head yes and let's
out an exasperated sigh)
We'll only miss the titles. They're in
Swedish.
ALVY
You wanna get coffee for two hours or
something? We'll go next-
ANNIE
Two hours? No, u-uh, I'm going in.
I'm going in.
She moves past the ticket clerk.
ALVY
(Waving to Annie)
Go ahead. Good-bye.
Annie moves back to Alvy and takes his arm.
ANNIE
Look, while we're talking we could be
inside, you know that?
ALVY
(Watching people with tickets move
past them)
Hey, can we not stand here and argue in
front of everybody, 'cause I get embarrassed.
ANNIE
Alright. All right, all right, so whatta
you wanna do?
ALVY
I don't know now. You-you wanna go to
another movie?
(Annie nods her head and shrugs
her shoulders disgustedly as Alvy,
gesturing with his band, looks at
her)
So let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity.
ANNIE
Oh, come on, we've seen it. I'm not in
the mood to see a four-hour documentary
on Nazis.
ALVY
Well, I'm sorry, I-I can't ... I-I-I've
gotta see a picture exactly from the start
to the finish, 'cause-'cause I'm anal.
ANNIE
(Laughing now)
H'h, that's a polite word for what you are.
INT. THEATER LOBBY.
A lined-up crowd of ticket holders waiting to get into the theater, Alvy and
Annie among them. A bum of indistinct chatter can be heard through the ensuing
scene.
MAN IN LINE
(Loudly to his companion right
behind Alvy and Annie)
We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday.
It is not one of his best. It lacks a
cohesive structure. You know, you get
the feeling that he's not absolutely sure
what it is he wants to say. 'Course, I've
always felt he was essentially a-a technical
film maker. Granted, La Strada was a great
film. Great in its use of negative energy
more than anything else. But that simple
cohesive core ...
Alvy, reacting to the man's loud monologue, starts to get annoyed, while Annie
begins to read her newspaper.
ALVY
(Overlapping the man's speech)
I'm-I'm-I'm gonna have a stroke.
ANNIE
(Reading)
Well, stop listening to him.
MAN IN LINE
(Overlapping Alvy and Annie)
You know, it must need to have had its
leading from one thought to another.
You know what I'm talking about?
ALVY
(Sighing)
He's screaming his opinions in my ear.
MAN IN LINE
Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or
Satyricon, I found it incredibly ...
indulgent. You know, he really is. He's
one of the most indulgent film makers. He
really is-
ALVY
(Overlapping)
Key word here is "indulgent."
MAN IN LINE
(Overlapping)
-without getting ... well, let's put it
this way ...
ALVY
(To Annie, who is still reading,
overlapping the man in line who is
still talking)
What are you depressed about?
ANNIE
I missed my therapy. I overslept.
ALVY
How can you possibly oversleep?
ANNIE
The alarm clock.
ALVY
(Gasping)
You know what a hostile gesture that is
to me?
ANNIE
I know-because of our sexual problem,
right?
ALVY
Hey, you ... everybody in line at the
New Yorker has to know our rate of
intercourse?
MAN IN LINE
- It's like Samuel Beckett, you know-
I admire the technique but he doesn't ...
he doesn't hit me on a gut level.
ALVY
(To Annie)
I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level.
The man in line continues his speech all the while Alvy and Annie talk.
ANNIE
Stop it, Alvy!
ALVY
(Wringing his hands)
Well, he's spitting on my neck! You know,
he's spitting on my neck when he talks.
MAN IN LINE
And then, the most important thing of all
is a comedian's vision.
ANNIE
And you know something else? You know,
you're so egocentric that if I miss my
therapy you can think of it in terms of
how it affects you!
MAN IN LINE
(Lighting a cigarette while he talks)
Gal gun-shy is what it is.
ALVY
(Reacting again to the man in line)
Probably on their first date, right?
MAN IN LINE
(Still going on)
It's a narrow view.
ALVY
Probably met by answering an ad in the
New York Review of Books. "Thirtyish
academic wishes to meet woman who's
interested in Mozart, James Joyce and
sodomy."
(He sighs; then to Annie)
Whatta you mean, our sexual problem?
ANNIE
Oh!
ALVY
I-I-I mean, I'm comparatively normal
for a guy raised in Brooklyn.
ANNIE
Okay, I'm very sorry. My sexual problem!
Okay, my sexual problem! Huh?
The man in front of them turns to look at them, then looks away.
ALVY
I never read that. That was-that was
Henry James, right? Novel, uh, the
sequel to Turn of the Screw? My Sexual ...
MAN IN LINE
(Even louder now)
It's the influence of television. Yeah,
now Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms
of it being a-a high, uh, high intensity,
you understand? A hot medium ... as opposed
to a ...
ALVY
(More and more aggravated)
What I wouldn't give for a large sock o'
horse manure.
MAN IN LINE
... as opposed to a print ...
Alvy steps forward, waving his hands in frustration, and stands facing the
camera.
ALVY
(Sighing and addressing the audience)
What do you do when you get stuck in a movie
line with a guy like this behind you? I mean,
it's just maddening!
The man in line moves toward Alvy. Both address the audience now.
MAN IN LINE
Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion?
It's a free country!
ALVY
I mean, d- He can give you- Do you hafta
give it so loud? I mean, aren't you ashamed
to pontificate like that? And-and the funny
part of it is, M-Marshall McLuhan, you don't
know anything about Marshall McLuhan's...work!
MAN IN LINE
(Overlapping)
Wait a minute! Really? Really? I happen to
teach a class at Columbia called "TV Media
and Culture"! So I think that my insights
into Mr. McLuhan-well, have a great deal of
validity.
ALVY
Oh, do yuh?
MAN IN LINE
Yes.
ALVY
Well, that's funny, because I happen to
have Mr. McLuhan right here. So ... so,
here, just let me-I mean, all right. Come
over here ... a second.
Alvy gestures to the camera which follows him and the man in line to the back
of the crowded lobby. He moves over to a large stand-up movie poster and
pulls Marshall McLuban from behind the poster.
MAN IN LINE
Oh.
ALVY
(To McLuban)
Tell him.
MCLUHAN
(To the man in line)
I hear-I heard what you were saying.
You-you know nothing of my work. You
mean my whole fallacy is wrong. How you
ever got to teach a course in anything is
totally amazing.
ALVY
(To the camera)
Boy, if life were only like this!
INT. THEATER. A CLOSE-UP OF THE SCREEN SHOWING FACES OF GERMAN SOLDIERS.
Credits appear over the faces of the soldiers.
THE SORROW AND THE PITY
CINEMA 5 LTD., 1972
MARCEL OPHULS, ANDRE HARRIS, 1969
Chronicle of a French town during the Occupation
NARRATOR'S VOICE
(Over credits and soldiers)
June fourteenth, nineteen forty, the
German army occupies Paris. All over
the country, people are desperate for
every available scrap of news.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT
Annie is sitting up in bed reading.
ALVY
(Off screen)
Boy, those guys in the French Resistance
were really brave, you know? Got to listen
to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.
ANNIE
M'm, I don't know, sometimes I ask myself
how I'd stand up under torture.
ALVY
(Off screen)
You? You kiddin'?
(He moves into the frame, lying across
the bed to touch, Annie, who makes a
face)
If the Gestapo would take away your
Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em
everything.
ANNIE
That movie makes me feel guilty.
ALVY
Yeah, 'cause it's supposed to.
He starts kissing Annie's arm. She gets annoyed and continues to read.
ANNIE
Alvy, I ...
ALVY
What-what-what-what's the matter?
ANNIE
I-you know, I don't wanna.
ALVY
(Overlapping Annie, reacting)
What-what-I don't ... It's not natural!
We're sleeping in a bed together. You
know, it's been a long time.
ANNIE
I know, well, it's just that-you know, I
mean, I-I-I-I gotta sing tomorrow night,
so I have to rest my voice.
ALVY
(Overlapping Annie again)
It's always some kind of an excuse. It's-
You know, you used to think that I was
very sexy. What ... When we first started
going out, we had sex constantly ... We're-
we're probably listed in the Guinness Book
of World Records.
ANNIE
(Patting Alvy's band solicitously)
I know. Well, Alvy, it'll pass, it'll
pass, it's just that I'm going through a
phase, that's all.
ALVY
M'm.
ANNIE
I mean, you've been married before, you
know how things can get. You were very
hot for Allison at first.
CUT TO:
INT. BACK STAGE OF AUDITORIUM - NIGHT.
Allison, clipboard in band, walks about the wings, stopping to talk to various
people. Musicians, performers and technicians mill about, busy with activity.
Allison wears a large "ADLAI" button, as do the people around her. The sounds
of a comedian on the stage of the auditorium can be heard, occasionally,
interrupted by chatter and applause from the off screen audience. Allison
stops to talk to two women; they, too, wear "ADLAI" buttons.
ALLISON
(Looking down at the clipboard)
Ma'am, you're on right after this man ...
about twenty minutes, something like that.
WOMAN
Oh, thank you.
Alvy moves into the frame behind Allison. He taps her on the shoulder; she
turns to face him.
ALVY
(Coughing)
Excuse ... excuse me, when do I go on?
ALLISON
(Looking down at the clipboard)
Who are you?
ALVY
Alvy ... Alvy Singer. I'm a comedian.
ALLISON
Oh, comedian. Yes. Oh, uh ... you're
on next.
ALVY
(Rubbing his hands together
nervously)
What do you mean, next?
ALLISON
(Laughing)
Uh ... I mean you're on right after
this act.
ALVY
(Gesturing)
No, it can't be, because he's a comic.
ALLISON
Yes.
ALVY
So what are you telling me, you're
putting on two comics in a row?
ALLISON
Why not?
ALVY
No, I'm sorry, I'm not goin'- I can't
... I don't wanna go on after that comedian.
ALLISON
It's okay.
ALVY
No, because they're-they're laughing, so
(He starts laughing nervously)
I-I-I'd rather not. If you don't mind,
I prefer-
ALLISON
(Overlapping)
Will you relax, please? They're gonna
love you, I know.
ALVY
(Overlapping)
I prefer not to, because ... look,
they're laughing at him. See, so what
are yuh telling me-
They move closer to the stage, looking out from the wings.
ALLISON
(Overlapping)
Yes.
ALVY
(Overlapping)
-that I've got to ... ah ... ah ...
They're gonna laugh at him for a couple
minutes, then I gotta go out there, I
gotta ... get laughs, too. How much can
they laugh?
(Off screen)
They-they they're laughed out.
ALLISON
(Off screen)
Do you feel all right?
As Allison and Alvy look out at the stage, the camera cuts to their point of
view: a comedian standing at a podium in front of huge waving pictures of Adlai
Stevenson. The audience, laughing and clapping, sits at round tables in
clusters around the room.
The camera moves back to Allison and Alvy watching the stage. Alvy is swinging
his hands nervously.
COMEDIAN
(Off screen, onstage)
You know ...
Alvy starts looking Allison up and down; people in the background mill about.
ALVY
(Above the chatter around him)
Look, what's your-what's your name?
COMEDIAN
(Off screen)
... General Eisenhower is not ...
ALLISON
(Looking out at the stage)
Allison.
ALVY
Yeah? Allison what?
ALLISON
(Still looking off screen)
Portchnik.
COMEDIAN
... a group from the ...
ALVY
(Coughing)
Thank you. I-I don't know why they would
have me at this kind of rally 'cause ...
(He clears his throat)
Excuse me, I'm not essentially a political
comedian at all.
The audience starts to laugh.
ALVY
I ... interestingly had, uh, dated ...
a woman in the Eisenhower Administration
... briefly ... and, uh, it was ironic to
me 'cause, uh . . . tsch . . . 'cause I
was trying to, u-u-uh, do to her what
Eisenhower has been doing to the country
for the last eight years.
The audience is with him, laughing, as Allison continues to watch offstage.
INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM.
Allison and, Alvy are on the bed, kissing. There are books all over the room;
a fireplace, unlit, along one of the walls. Alvy suddenly breaks away and sits
on the edge of the bed. Allison looks at him.
ALVY
H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through with
this, because it-I can't get it off my
mind, Allison ... it's obsessing me!
ALLISON
Well, I'm getting tired of it. I need
your attention.
Alvy gets up from the bed and starts walking restlessly around the room,
gesturing with his hands.
ALVY
It-but it-it ... doesn't make any sense.
He drove past the book depository and the
police said conclusively that it was an
exit wound. So-how is it possible for
Oswald to have fired from two angles at
once? It doesn't make sense.
ALLISON
Alvy.
Alvy, stopping for a moment at the fireplace mantel, sighs. He then snaps his
fingers and starts walking again.
ALVY
I'll tell you this! He was not marksman
enough to hit a moving target at that
range. But ...
(Clears his throat)
if there was a second assassin ... it-
That's it!
Alvy stops at the music stand with open sheet music on it as Allison gets up
from the bed and retrieves a pack of cigarettes from a bookshelf.
ALLISON
We've been through this.
ALVY
If they-they recovered the shells from
that rifle.
ALLISON
(Moving back to the bed and
lighting a cigarette)
Okay. All right, so whatta yuh saying,
now? That e-e-everybody o-o-on the Warren
Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?
ALVY
Well, why not?
ALLISON
Yeah, Earl Warren?
ALVY
(Moving toward the bed)
Hey ... honey, I don't know Earl Warren.
ALLISON
Lyndon Johnson?
ALVY
(Propping one knee on the bed
and gesturing)
L-L-Lyndon Johns Lyndon Johnson is a
politician. You know the ethics those
guys have? It's like-uh, a notch
underneath child molester.
ALLISON
Then everybody's in in the conspiracy?
ALVY
(Nodding his head)
Tsch.
ALLISON
The FBI, and the CIA, and J. Edgar
Hoover and oil companies and the
Pentagon and the men's-room attendant
at the White House?
Alvy touches Allison's shoulder, then gets up from the bed and starts walking
again.
ALVY
I-I-I-I would leave out the men's-room
attendant.
ALLISON
You're using this conspiracy theory as
an excuse to avoid sex with me.
ALVY
Oh, my God!
(Then, to the camera)
She's right! Why did I turn off Allison
Portchnik? She was-she was beautiful. She
was willing. She was real ... intelligent.
(Sighing)
Is it the old Groucho Marx joke? That-that
I-I just don't wanna belong to any club that
would have someone like me for a member?
EXT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY
Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard over the wind-browned exterior of a beach
house in the Hamptons. As they continue to talk, the camera moves inside the
house. Alvy is picking up chairs, trying to get at the group of lobsters
crawling on the floor. Dishes are stacked up in a drying rack, and bags of
groceries sit on the counter. There's a table and chairs near the refrigerator.
ANNIE
Alvy, now don't panic. Please.
ALVY
Look, I told you it was a ... mistake
to ever bring a live thing in the house.
ANNIE
Stop it! Don't ... don't do that! There.
The lobsters continue to crawl on the floor. Annie, bolding out a wooden
paddle, tries to shove them onto it.
ALVY
Well, maybe we should just call the police.
Dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad.
ANNIE
Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for
God's sake.
ALVY
If they're only babies, then you pick
'em up.
ANNIE
Oh, all right. All right! It's all
right. Here.
She drops the paddle and picks up one of the lobsters by the tail. Laughing,
she shoves it at Alvy who jerks backward, squeamishly.
ALVY
Don't give it to me. Don't!
ANNIE
(Hysterically)
Oooh! Here! Here!
ALVY
(Pointing)
Look! Look, one crawled behind the
refrigerator. It'll turn up in our bed
at night.
(They move over to the refrigerator;
Alvy moves as close to the wall as
possible as Annie, covering her mouth
and laughing hysterically, teasingly
dangles a lobster in front of him)
Will you get outta here with that thing?
Jesus!
ANNIE
(Laughing, to the lobster)
Get him!
ALVY
(Laughing)
Talk to him. You speak shellfish!
(He moves over to the stove and
takes the lid of a large steamer
filled with boiling water)
Hey, look ... put it in the pot.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
I can't! I can't put him in the pot. I
can't put a live thing in hot water.
ALVY
(Overlapping)
Gimme! Gimme! Let me do it! What-what's
he think we're gonna do, take him to the
movies?
Annie hands the lobster to Alvy as he takes it very carefully and drops it
gingerly into the pot and puts the cover back on.
ANNIE
(Overlapping Alvy and making sounds)
Oh, God! Here yuh go! Oh, good, now
he'll think-
(She screams)
Aaaah! Okay.
ALVY
(Overlapping Annie)
Okay, it's in. It's definitely in the pot!
ANNIE
All right. All right. All right.
She moves hurriedly across the kitchen and picks up another lobster. Smiling,
she places it on the counter as Alvy stands beside the refrigerator trying to
push it from the wall.
ALVY
Annie, there's a big lobster behind
the refrigerator. I can't get it out.
This thing's heavy. Maybe if I put a
little dish of butter sauce here with a
nutcracker, it will run out the other
side, you know what I mean?
ANNIE
(Overlapping)
Yeah. I'm gonna get my ... I'm gonna
get my camera.
ALVY
You know, I-I think ... if I could pry
this door off ... We shoulda gotten steaks
'cause they don't have legs. They don't
run around.
Annie rushes out of the room to get her camera as Alvy picks up the paddle.
Trying to get at the lobsters, he ends up knocking over dishes and hitting the
chandelier. Holding the paddle, he finally leans back against the sink.
Annie, standing in the doorway, starts taking pictures of him.
ANNIE
Great! Great!
(Screaming)
Goddammit!
(Screaming)
Ooooh! These are ... p-p-p-pick this
lobster up. Hold it, please!
ALVY
All right! All right! All right! All
right! Whatta yuh mean? Are yuh gonna
take pictures now?
ANNIE
It'll make great- Alvy, be- Alvy, it'll
be wonderful ... Ooooh, lovely!
ALVY
(Picking up the lobster Annie
placed on the counter earlier)
All right, here! Oh, God, it's disgusting!
Alvy drops the lobster back down on the counter, sticking out his tongue and
making a face.
ANNIE
Don't be a jerk. One more, Alvy, please,
one more picture.
(Reluctantly Alvy picks up the
lobster again as Annie takes
another picture)
Oh, oh, good, good!
EXT. OCEAN FRONT-DUSK.
The camera pans Annie and Alvy as they walk along the shore.
ALVY
So, so-well, here's what I wanna know.
W-what ...
(He clears his throat)
Am I your first big romance?
ANNIE
Oh ... no, no, no, no, uh, uh. No.
ALVY
Well, then, w-who was?
ANNIE
Oh, well, let's see, there was Dennis,
from Chippewa Falls High School.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK OF DENNIS LEANING AGAINST A CAR - NIGHT
Behind him is a movie theater with "MARILYN MONROE, 'MISFITS' " on the marquee.
He looks at his watch as the younger Annie, in a beehive hairdo, moves into the
frame. They kiss quickly and look at each other, smiling.
ALVY'S VOICE
(Off screen)
Dennis-right, uh, uh ... local kid
probably, would meetcha in front of the
movie house on Saturday night.
ANNIE'S VOICE
Oh, God, you should've seen what I looked
like then.
ALVY'S VOICE
(Off screen, laughing)
Oh, I can imagine. P-p-probably the
wife of an astronaut.
ANNIE'S VOICE
Then there was Jerry, the actor.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK OF BRICK-WALLED APARTMENT - NIGHT
The younger, Annie and Jerry lean against the wall. Jerry is running his band
down Annie's bare arm. Annie and Alvy walk into the room, observing the younger
Annie, in jeans and T-shirt, with Jerry.
ALVY'S VOICE
(Laughing)
Look at you, you-you,-re such a clown.
ANNIE'S VOICE
I look pretty.
ALVY'S VOICE
Well, yeah, you always look pretty, but
that guy with you ...
JERRY
Acting is like an exploration of the soul.
I-it's very religious. Uh, like, uh, a
kind of liberating consciousness. It's
like a visual poem.
ALVY
(Laughing)
Is he kidding with that crap?
YOUNGER ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, right. Right, yeah, I think I
know exactly what you mean, when you
say "religious."
ALVY
(Incredulous, to Annie)
You do?
ANNIE
(Still watching)
Oh, come on-I mean, I was still younger.
ALVY
Hey, that was last year.
JERRY
It's like when I think of dying. You
know how I would like to die?
YOUNGER ANNIE
No, how?
JERRY
I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.
ALVY'S VOICE
Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels.
ANNIE'S VOICE
Hey, listen-I mean, he was a terrific actor,
and look at him, he's neat-looking and he
was emotional ... Y-hey, I don't think you
like emotion too much.
Jerry stops rubbing the younger Annie's arm and slides down to the floor as
she raises her foot toward his chest.
JERRY
Touch my heart ... with your foot.
ALVY'S VOICE
I-I may throw up!
CUT BACK TO:
EXTERIOR. BEACH-DUSK
It's now sunset, the water reflecting the last light. The camera moves over
the scene. The off screen voices of Alvy and Annie are heard as they walk, the
camera always one step ahead of them.
ANNIE
He was creepy.
ALVY
Yeah, I-I think you're pretty lucky I
came along.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, really? Well, la-de-da!
ALVY
La-de-da. If I-if anyone had ever told
me that I would be taking out a girl who
used expressions like "la-de-da" . . .
ANNIE
Oh, that's right. That you really like
those New York girls.
ALVY
Well, no ... not just, not only.
ANNIE
Oh, I'd say so. You married-
CUT TO:
INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT-NIGHT
A cocktail party is in progress, the rooms crowded with guests as Alvy and
Robin make their way through the people. A waiter, carrying a tray, walks
past them. Alvy reaches out to pick up a glass; Robin reaches over and picks
it of the tray first. There is much low-key chatter in the background.
ANNIE
(Off screen)
-two of them.
ROBIN
There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair
in history at Princeton. Oh, the short
man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair
in philosophy at Cornell.
ALVY
Yeah, two more chairs and they got a
dining-room set.
ROBIN
Why are you so hostile?
ALVY
(Sighing)
'Cause I wanna watch the Knicks on
television.
ROBIN
(Squinting)
Is that Paul Goodman? No. And be nice
to the host because he's publishing my
book. Hi, Doug! Douglas Wyatt.
"A Foul-Rag-and-Bone Shop-of-the-Heart."
They move through the rooms, Robin holding a drink in one hand, her arm draped
in Alvy's; the crowd mills around them.
ALVY
(Taking Robin's hand)
I'm so tired of spending evenings making
fake insights with people who work for
Dysentery.
ROBIN
Commentary.
ALVY
Oh, really, I heard that Commentary and
Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.
ROBIN
No jokes-these are friends, okay?
INT. BEDROOM
Alvy sits on the foot of the bed watching the Knicks game on television.
TV ANNOUNCER
(Off screen)
Cleveland Cavaliers losing to the New
York Knicks.
Robin enters the room, slamming the door.
ROBIN
Here you are. There's people out there.
ALVY
Hey, you wouldn't believe this. Two
minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead fourteen
points, and now ...
(Clears his throat)
they're ahead two points.
ROBIN
Alvy, what is so fascinating about a group
of pituitary cases trying to stuff the
ball through a hoop?
ALVY
(Looking at Robin)
What's fascinating is that it's physical.
You know, it's one thing about intellectuals,
they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant
and have no idea what's going on. But on the
other hand ...
(Clears his throat)
the body doesn't lie, as-as we now know.
Alvy reaches over, pulls Robin down onto the bed. He kisses her and moves
farther up on the bed.
ROBIN
Stop acting out.
She sits on the edge of the bed, looking down at the sprawled-out Alvy.
ALVY
No, it'll be great! It'll be great,
be-because all those Ph.D.'s are in
there, you know, like ... discussing
models of alienation and we'll be in
here quietly humping.
He pulls Robin toward him, caressing her as she pulls herself away.
ROBIN
Alvy, don't! You're using sex to
express hostility.
ALVY
"'Why-why do you always r-reduce my
animal urges to psychoanalytic categories?'
(Clears his throat)
he said as he removed her brassiere..."
ROBIN
(Pulling away again)
There are people out there from The New
Yorker magazine. My God! What would they
think?
She gets up and fixes the zipper on her dress. She turns and moves toward the
door.
INT. APARTMENT-NIGHT
Robin and Alvy are in bed. The room is in darkness. Outside, a siren starts
blaring.
ROBIN
Oh, I'm sorry!
ALVY
Don't get upset!
ROBIN
Dammit! I was so close.
She flips on the overhead lamp and turns on her side. Alvy turns to her.
ALVY
(Gesturing)
Jesus, last night it was some guy honking
his car horn. I mean, the city can't
close down. You know, what-whatta yuh
gonna do, h-have 'em shut down the
airport, too? No more flights so we can
have sex?
ROBIN
(Reaching over for her eyeglasses
on the night table)
I'm too tense. I need a Valium. My
analyst says I should live in the country
and not in New York.
ALVY
Well, I can't li- We can't have this
discussion all the time. The country
makes me nervous. There's ... You got
crickets and it-it's quiet ... there's
no place to walk after dinner, and... uh,
there's the screens with the dead moths
behind them, and... uh, yuh got the-the
Manson family possibly, yuh got Dick and
Terry-
ROBIN
(Interrupting)
Okay, okay, my analyst just thinks I'm
too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium?
She fumbles about the floor for the Valium, then back on the bed.
ALVY
Hey, come on, it's quiet now. We can-we
can start again.
ROBIN
I can't.
ALVY
What-
ROBIN
My head is throbbing.
ALVY
Oh, you got a headache!
ROBIN
I have a headache.
ALVY
Bad?
ROBIN
Oswald and ghosts.
ALVY
Jesus!
He begins to get out of bed.
ROBIN
Where are you going?
ALVY
Well, I'm-I'm gonna take another in a
series of cold showers.
EXT. MEN'S LOCKER ROOM OF THE TENNIS CLUB.
Rob and Alvy, carrying tennis rackets, come through the door of the locker
room to the lobby. They are dressed in tennis whites. They walk toward the
indoor court.
ROB
Max, my serve is gonna send yuh to
the showers-
ALVY
Right, right, so g-get back to what we
were discussing, the failure of the
country to get behind New York City is-is
anti-Semitism.
ROB
Max, the city is terribly worried.
ALVY
But the- I'm not discussing politics or
economics. This is foreskin.
ROB
No, no, no, Max, that's a very convenient
out. Every time some group disagrees with
you it's because of anti-Semitism.
ALVY
Don't you see? The rest of the country looks
upon New York like we're-we're left-wing
Communist, Jewish, homosexual, pornographers.
I think of us that way, sometimes, and I-I
live here.
ROB
Max, if we lived in California, we could
play outdoors every day, in the sun.
ALVY
Sun is bad for yuh. Everything our parents
said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat,
college ...
INT. TENNIS COURT
Annie and Janet, in tennis whites, stand on the court holding tennis rackets
and balls. They are chattering and giggling.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
I know, but ooh- here he comes. Okay.
Rob and Alvy enter the court and walk over to the two women. Rob kisses Janet
and makes introduction.
ROB
You know Alvy?
JANET
Oh, hi, Alvy.
ANNIE
(To Rob)
How are yuh?
ROB
(To Alvy)
You know Annie?
JANET
I'm sorry. This is Annie Hall.
ALVY
Hi.
ANNIE
Hi.
Annie and Alvy shake hands.
JANET
(Laughing)
Alvy.
ROB
(Eager to begin)
Who's playing who here? Alvy Well, uh ...
you and me against them?
ANNIE
(Overlapping Alvy)
Well ... so ... I can't play too good,
you know.
JANET
(Laughing)
I've had four lessons!
The group, laughing and chatting, divide up-Rob and Annie moving to the other
side of the net, Alvy and Janet standing where they are. They start to play
mixed doubles, each taking turns and playing well. At one point in the game,
Annie starts to talk to Rob, then turns and sees a ball heading toward her.
ALVY
(Hitting the halt back)
Holy gods!
INT. LOBBY
Alvy, dressed, puts things into a gym bag. One knee is on the bench and his
back is turned from the entrance. Annie walks toward the entrance door dressed
in street clothes and carrying her tennis bag over her shoulder. Seeing Alvy,
she stops and turns.
ANNIE
Hi. Hi, hi.
ALVY
(Looking over his shoulder)
Hi. Oh, hi. Hi.
ANNIE
(Hands clasped in front of her,
smiling)
Well, bye. She laughs and backs up slowly
toward the door.
ALVY
(Clearing his throat)
You-you play ... very well.
ANNIE
Oh, yeah? So do you. Oh, God, whatta-
(Making sounds and laughing)
whatta dumb thing to say, right? I mean,
you say it, "You play well," and right
away ... I have to say well. Oh, oh ...
God, Annie.
(She gestures with her hand)
Well ... oh, well ... la-de-da, la-de-da,
la-la.
She turns around and moves toward the door.
ALVY
(Still looking over his shoulder)
Uh ... you-you wanna lift?
ANNIE
(Turning and aiming her thumb over
her shoulder)
Oh, why-uh ... y-y-you gotta car?
ALVY
No, um ... I was gonna take a cab.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, no, I have a car.
ALVY
You have a car?
(Annie smiles, hands folded in
front of her)
So ...
(Clears his throat)
I don't understand why ... if you have a
car, so then-then wh-why did you say "Do
you have a car?"... like you wanted a lift?
ANNIE
I don't ...
(Laughing)
I don't ... Geez, I don't know, I've ...
I wa- This ... yeah, I got this VW out
there ...
(Laughing and gesturing toward
the door)
What a jerk, yeah. Would you like a lift?
ALVY
(Zipping up his bag)
Sure. W-w-w-which way yuh goin'?
ANNIE
Me? Oh, downtown!
ALVY
Down- I'm-I'm goin' uptown.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, well, I'm goin' uptown, too.
ALVY
Uh, well, you just said you were going
downtown.
ANNIE
Yeah, well, I'm, but I ...
Alvy picks up his bag and moves toward the door. As he turns his bag around,
the handle of the tennis racket bits Annie between the legs.
ALVY
(Laughing)
So sorry.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
I mean, I can go uptown, too. I live
uptown, but ... uh, what the hell, I mean,
it'd be nice having company, you know
I mean, I hate driving alone.
ALVY
(Making sounds)
Yeah.
They walk out the door.
EXT. NEW YORK STREET- DAY
Alvy and Annie in the VW as Annie speeds down a city street near the East River.
ALVY
So, how long do you know Janet? Where
do you know her from?
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, I'm in her acting class.
ALVY
Oh - you're an actress.
ANNIE
Well, I do commercials, sort of ...
She zooms down the wrong lane, cars swerving out of her way. A horn blows.
ALVY
I, uh ... well, you're not from New
York, right?
ANNIE
No, Chippewa Falls.
ALVY
Right!
(A pause)
Where?
ANNIE
Wisconsin.
ALVY
(Finally reacting)
Uh, you're driving a-
ANNIE
Uh, don't worry, I'm a very-
(A car moves closer to the VW,
almost on top of it in the wrong
direction. Annie swerves away at
the very last minute)
-a very good driver.
(Alvy rubs his head nervously,
staring out the window as Annie
speeds along)
So, listen-hey, you want some gum, anyway?
Annie looks down beside her, searching for the gum.
ALVY
No, no thanks. Hey, don't-
ANNIE
Well, where is it? I-
ALVY
No, no, no, no, you just ... just watch
the road. I'll get it-
ANNIE
Okay.
They both fumble around in her pocketbook. Alvy looks up to see the entire
front of a truck in Annie's windshield. She swerves just in time.
ALVY
-for yuh.
ANNIE
Okay, that's good.
Alvy continues to look for the gum while Annie zooms down the city streets.
ANNIE
All right.
ALVY
I'll getcha a piece.
ANNIE
Yeah ... so, listen-you drive?
ALVY
Do I drive? Uh, no, I gotta-I gotta
problem with driving.
ANNIE
Oh, you do?
ALVY
Yeah. I got, uh, I got a license but I
have too much hostility.
ANNIE
Oh, right.
ALVY
Nice car.
ANNIE
(A bit rapidly)
Huh?
ALVY
You keep it nice.
(He pulls a half-eaten sandwich
out of her bag)
Can I ask you, is this-is this a sandwich?
ANNIE
Huh? Oh, yeah.
EXT. STREET-DAY
Cars are parked on both sides of the street as the VW rounds the corner.
ANNIE
I live over here. Oh, my God! Look!
There's a parking space!
With brakes squealing, Annie turns the VW sharply into the parking spot.
Annie and Alvy get out, Alvy looking over his shoulder as he leaves the car.
ALVY
That's okay, you ... we-we can walk to
the curb from here.
ANNIE
Don't be funny.
ALVY
You want your tennis stuff?
ANNIE
Huh? Oh ... yeah.
ALVY
You want your gear? Here you go.
Alvy reaches into the back of the car and takes out tennis equipment. He
hands her her things. People pass by on the street.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Yeah, thanks. Thanks a lot. Well...
ALVY
(Sighing)
Well, thanks, thank you. You-you're
a wonderful tennis player.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh.
Alvy shakes hands with Annie.
ALVY
You're the worst driver I've ever seen
in my life . . . that's including any place
... the worst ... Europe, United ... any
place ... Asia.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Yeah.
ALVY
And I love what you're wearin'.
Alvy touches the tie Annie is wearing around her neck.
ANNIE
Oh, you do? Yeah? Oh, well, it's uh
... this is, uh ... this tie is a present,
from Grammy Hall.
Annie flips the bottom of the tie.
ALVY
Who? Grammy? Grammy Hall?
ANNIE
(Laughing and nodding her head)
Yeah, my grammy.
ALVY
You're jo- Whatta yuh kid- What did you
do, grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting?
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Yeah, I know.
ALVY
Your grammy!
ANNIE
I know, it's pretty silly, isn't it?
ALVY
Jesus, my-my grammy ... n-never gave
gifts, you know. She-she was too busy
getting raped by Cossacks.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Well ...
ALVY
Well ... thank you again.
ANNIE
Oh, yeah, yeah.
ALVY
I'll see yuh.
ANNIE
(Overlapping, gesturing)
Hey, well, listen ... hey, you wanna
come upstairs and, uh ... and have a
glass of wine and something? Aw, no,
I mean ... I mean, you don't have to,
you're probably late and everything else ...
ALVY
No, no, that'll be fine. I don't mind. Sure.
ANNIE
You sure?
ALVY
(Overlapping)
No, I got time.
ANNIE
Okay.
ALVY
Sure, I got ... I got nothing, uh,
nothing till my analyst's appointment.
They move toward Annie's apartment building.
ANNIE
Oh, you see an analyst?
ALVY
Y-y-yeah, just for fifteen years.
ANNIE
Fifteen years?
ALVY
Yeah, uh, I'm gonna give him one more
year and then I'm goin' to Lourdes.
ANNIE
Fifteen-aw, come on, you're . . . yeah,
really?
INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT
Alvy, standing, looks around the apartment. There are lots of books, framed
photographs on the white wall. A terrace can be seen from the window. He
picks up a copy of Ariet, by Sylvia Platb, as Annie comes out of the kitchen
carrying two glasses. She hands them to Alvy.
ALVY
Sylvia Plath.
ANNIE
M'hm...
ALVY
Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide
was misinterpreted as romantic, by the
college-girl mentality.
ANNIE
Oh, yeah.
ALVY
Oh, sorry.
ANNIE
Right. Well, I don't know, I mean, uh,
some of her poems seem - neat, you know.
ALVY
Neat?
ANNIE
Neat, yeah.
ALVY
Uh, I hate to tell yuh, this is nineteen
seventy-five, you know that "neat" went
out, I would say, at the turn of the
century.
(Annie laughs)
Who-who are-who are those photos on
the wall?
ANNIE
(Moving over to the photographs)
Oh ... oh, well, you see now now, uh,
that's my dad, that's Father-and that's
my ... brother, Duane.
ALVY
Duane?
ANNIE
(Pointing)
Yeah, right, Duane-and over there is
Grammy Hall, and that's Sadie.
ALVY
Well, who's Sadie?
ANNIE
Sadie? Oh, well, Sadie...
(Laughing)
Sadie met Grammy through, uh, through
Grammy's brother George. Uh, George was
real sweet, you know, he had that thing.
What is that thing where you, uh, where
you, uh, fall asleep in the middle of a
sentence, you know-what is it? Uh ...
ALVY
Uh, narcolepsy.
ANNIE
Narcolepsy, right, right. Right. So,
anyway, so ...
(Laughing)
George, uh, went to the union, see, to
get his free turkey, be-because, uh, the
union always gave George this big turkey
at Christmas time because he was ...
(Annie points her fingers to each
side of her head, indicating George
was a little crazy)
shell-shocked, you know what I mean, in the
First World War.
(Laughing hysterically, she opens
a cabinet door and takes out a
bottle of wine)
Anyway, so, so ...
(Laughing through the speech)
George is standing in line, oh, just a sec
...uh, getting his free turkey, but the
thing is, he falls asleep and he never
wakes up. So, so...
(Laughing)
so, he's dead ...
(Laughing)
he's dead. Yeah. Oh, dear. Well,
terrible, huh, wouldn't you say? I
mean, that's pretty unfortunate.
Annie unscrews the bottle of wine, silent now after her speech.
ALVY
Yeah, it's a great story, though, I
mean, I... I ... it really made my day.
Hey, I think I should get outta here,
you know, 'cause I think I'm imposing,
you know ...
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, really? Oh, well ... uh, uh, maybe,
uh, maybe, we, uh ...
ALVY
... and ... uh, yeah, uh ... uh, you
know, I-I-I...
They move outside to the terrace, Alvy still holding the glasses, Annie the
wine. They stand in front of the railing, Annie pouring the wine into the
held-out glasses.
ANNIE
Well, I mean, you don't have to, you know.
ALVY
No, I know, but ... but, you know, I'm
all perspired and everything.
ANNIE
Well, didn't you take, uh ... uh, a
shower at the club?
ALVY
Me? No, no, no, 'cause I never shower
in a public place.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Why not?
ALVY
'Cause I don't like to get naked in front
of another man, you know-it's, uh ...
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, I see, I see.
ALVY
You know, I don't like to show my body
to a man of my gender-
ANNIE
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see. I guess-
ALVY
-'cause, uh, you never know what's
gonna happen.
ANNIE
(Sipping her wine and laughing)
Fifteen years, huh?
ALVY
Fifteen years, yeah.
ANNIE
Yeah. Oh, God bless!
They put their glasses together in a toast.
ALVY
God bless.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Well, uh ...
(Pausing)
You're what Grammy Hall would call a
real Jew.
ALVY
(Clearing his throat)
Oh, thank you.
ANNIE
(Smiling)
Yeah, well ... you-She hates Jews. She
thinks that they just make money, but let
me tell yuh, I mean, she's the one yeah,
is she ever. I'm tellin' yuh.
ALVY
(pointing toward the apartment
after a short pause)
So, did you do shoot the photographs
in there or what?
ANNIE
(Nodding, her hand on her hip)
Yeah, yeah, I sorta dabble around, you know.
Annie's thoughts pop on the screen as she talks: I dabble? Listen to me-what
a jerk!
ALVY
They're ... they're... they're wonderful,
you know. They have ... they have, uh
... a ... a quality.
As do Alvy's: You are a great-looking girl
ANNIE
Well, I-I-I would-I would like to take
a serious photography course soon.
Again, Annie's thoughts pop on: He probably thinks I'm a yo-yo
ALVY
Photography's interesting, 'cause, you
know, it's-it's a new art form, and a,
uh, a set of aesthetic criteria have
not emerged yet.
And Alvy's: I wonder what she looks like naked?
ANNIE
Aesthetic criteria? You mean, whether
it's, uh, good photo or not?
I'm not smart enough for him. Hang in there
ALVY
The-the medium enters in as a condition
of the art form itself. That's-
I don't know what I'm saying-she senses I'm shallow
ANNIE
Well, well, I ... to me-I ... I mean,
it's-it's-it's all instinctive, you
know. I mean, I just try to uh, feel
it, you know? I try to get a sense of
it and not think about it so much.
God, I hope he doesn't turn out to be a shmuck like the others
ALVY
Still, still we- You need a set of
aesthetic guide lines to put it in
social perspective, I think.
Christ, I sound like FM radio. Relax
They're quiet for a moment, holding wine glasses and sipping. The sounds of
distant traffic from the street can be heard on the terrace. Annie, laughing,
speaks first.
ANNIE
Well, I don't know. I mean, I guess-I
guess you must be sorta late, huh?
ALVY
You know, I gotta get there and begin
whining soon ... otherwise I- Hey ...
well, are you busy Friday night?
ANNIE
Me? Oh, uh.
(Laughing)
No.
ALVY
(Putting his band on his forehead)
Oh, I'm sorry, wait a minute, I have
something. Well, what about Saturday
night?
ANNIE
(Nodding)
Oh ... nothing. Not-no, no!
ALVY
Oh, you ... you're very popular, I can see.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
I know.
ALVY
Gee, boy, what do you have? You have
plague?
ANNIE
Well, I mean, I meet a lot of ... jerks,
you know-
ALVY
Yeah, I meet a lotta jerks, too.
ANNIE
(Overlapping)
-what I mean?
ALVY
I think that's, uh-
ANNIE
(Interrupting)
But I'm thinking about getting some
cats, you know, and then they ... Oh,
wait a second-oh, no, no, I mean
(Laughing)
oh, shoot! No, Saturday night I'm
gonna-
(Laughing)
gonna sing. Yeah.
ALVY
You're gonna sing? Do you sing? Well,
no, it isn't
(Overlapping)
No kidding?
(Overlapping)
-this is my first time. Oh, really? Where?
I'd like to come.
(Laughing)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No, I'm interested!
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, no-I mean, I'm just a-auditioning
sort of at club. I don't-
ALVY
(Overlapping)
No, so help me.
ANNIE
(Overlapping)
-it's my first time.
ALVY
That's okay, 'cause I know exactly what
that's like. Listen-
ANNIE
(Interrupting)
Yeah.
ALVY
(Overlapping)
-you're gonna like night clubs, they're
really a lotta fun.
INT. NIGHT CLUB-NIGHT
Annie stands on center stage with a microphone, a pianist behind her. A
Bright light is focused on her; the rest of the club is in darkness. There
are the typical sounds and movements of a nightclub audience: low conversation,
curling smoke, breaking glass, microphone bum, moving chairs, waiters
clattering trays, a ringing phone as Annie sings "It Had to Be You.
EXT. CITY STREET-NIGHT.
Alvy and Annie walk quickly down the sidewalk.
ANNIE
I was awful. I'm so ashamed! I can't
sing.
ALVY
Oh, listen, so the audience was a tad
restless.
ANNIE
Whatta you mean, a tad restless? Oh,
my God, I mean, they hated me.
ALVY
No, they didn't. You have a wonderful
voice.
ANNIE
No, I'm gonna quit!
ALVY
No, I'm not gonna letcha. You have a
great voice.
ANNIE
Really, do you think so, really?
ALVY
Yeah!
ANNIE
Yeah?
ALVY
It's terrific.
ANNIE
(Overlapping)
Yeah, you know something? I never even
took a lesson, either.
They stop in the middle of the sidewalk. Alvy turns Annie around to face him.
ALVY
Hey, listen, listen.
ANNIE
What?
ALVY
Gimme a kiss.
ANNIE
Really?
ALVY
Yeah, why not, because we're just gonna
go home later, right?
ANNIE
Yeah.
ALVY
And-and uh, there's gonna be all that
tension. You know, we never kissed before
and I'll never know when to make the right
move or anything. So we'll kiss now we'll
get it over with and then we'll go eat. Okay?
ANNIE
Oh, all right.
ALVY
And we'll digest our food better.
ANNIE
Okay.
ALVY
Okay?
ANNIE
Yeah.
They kiss.
ALVY
So now we can digest our food.
They turn and start walking again.
ANNIE
We can digest our-
ALVY
Okay. Yeah.
INT. DELI-NIGHT
Annie and Alvy sit down in a booth. The deli is fairly well lit and crowded.
Conversation, plates clattering, can be heard over the dialogue. The waiter
comes over to them to take their order.
ALVY
(To the waiter)
I'm gonna have a corned beef.
ANNIE
(To the waiter)
Yeah ... oh, uh, and I'm gonna have a
pastrami on white bread with, uh,
mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce.
(Alvy involuntarily makes a face
as the waiter leaves)
Tsch, so, uh, your second wife left you
and, uh, were you depressed about that?
ALVY
Nothing that a few mega-vitamins couldn't
cure.
ANNIE
Oh. And your first wife was Allison?
ALVY
My first... Yes, she was nice, but you
know, uh, it was my fault. I was just...
I was too crazy.
ANNIE
Oh.
INT. DARKENED BEDROOM-NIGHT
Alvy and Annie in bed together.
ANNIE
M'm, that was so nice. That was nice.
ALVY
As Balzac said ...
ANNIE
H'm?
ALVY
"There goes another novel."
(They laugh)
Jesus, you were great.
ANNIE
Oh, yeah?
ALVY
Yeah.
ANNIE
Yeah?
ALVY
Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm a wreck.
ANNIE
No.
(She turns and looks at Alvy,
then laughs)
You're a wreck.
ALVY
Really. I mean it. I-I'll never play
the piano again.
ANNIE
(Lighting a joint and laughing)
You're really nuts. I don't know, you
really thought it was good? Tell me.
ALVY
Good? I was-
ANNIE
(Overlapping)
No.
ALVY
No, that was the most fun I've ever
had without laughing.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Here, you want some?
ALVY
No, no, I-I-i, uh, I don't use any
major hallucinogenics because I took
a puff like five years ago at a party and
ANNIE
Yeah?
ALVY
-tried to take my pants off over my
head ...
(Annie laughs)
... my ear.
ANNIE
Oh, I don't know, I don't really. I
don't do it very often, you know, just
sort of, er ... relaxes me at first.
ALVY
M'hm.
(He pushes himself up from the
bed and looks down at Annie)
You're not gonna believe this, but-
ANNIE
What? What?
CUT TO:
INT. BOOKSTORE-DAY
Annie and Alvy browsing in crowded bookstore. Alvy, carrying two books,
"Death and Western Thought" and "The Denial of Death", moves over to where
Annie is looking.
ALVY
Hey?
ANNIE
H'm?
ALVY
I-I-I'm gonna buy you these books, I
think, because I-I think you should
read them. You know, instead of that
cat book.
ANNIE
(Looking at the books Alvy
is bolding)
That's, uh ...
(Laughing)
that's pretty serious stuff there.
ALVY
Yeah, 'cause I-I'm, you know, I'm,
I'm obsessed with-with, uh, with death,
I think. Big-
ANNIE
(Overlapping)
Yeah?
ALVY
-big subject with me, yeah.
ANNIE
Yeah?
They move over to the cashier line.
ALVY
(Gesturing)
I've a very pessimistic view of life.
You should know this about me if we're
gonna go out, you know. I-I-I feel that
life is-is divided up into the horrible
and the miserable.
ANNIE
M'hm.
ALVY
Those are the two categories ...
ANNIE
M'hm.
ALVY
... you know, they're- The-the horrible
would be like, uh, I don't know, terminal
cases, you know?
ANNIE
M'hm.
ALVY
And blind people, crippled ...
ANNIE
Yeah.
ALVY
I don't-don't know how they get through
life. It's amazing to me.
ANNIE
M'hm.
ALVY
You know, and the miserable is everyone
else. That's-that's all. So-so when
you go through life you should be thankful
that you're miserable, because that's-
You're very lucky ... to be ...
(Overlapping Annie's laughter)
... to be miserable.
ANNIE
U-huh.
EXT. PARK-DAY
It's a beautiful sunny day in Central Park. People are sitting on benches,
others strolling, some walking dogs. One woman stands feeding cooing pigeons.
Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard off screen as they observe the scene before
them. An older man and woman walk into view.
ALVY
Look, look at that guy.
ANNIE
M'hm.
ALVY
There's-there's-there's-there's Mr.
When-in-the-Pink, Mr. Miami Beach, there,
you know?
(Over Annie's laughter)
He's the latest! just came back from
the gin-rummy farm last night. He
placed third.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
M'hm. Yeah. Yeah.
The camera shows them sitting side by side relaxed on a bench.
ALVY
(Watching two men approach, one
lighting a cigar)
Look at these guys.
ANNIE
Yeah.
ALVY
Oh, that's hilarious. They're back
from Fire Island. They're ... they're
sort of giving it a chance-you know what
I mean?
ANNIE
Oh! Italian, right?
ALVY
Yeah, he's the Mafia. Linen Supply Business
or Cement and Contract, you know what I mean?
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, yeah.
ALVY
No, I'm serious.
(Over Annie's laughter)
I just got my mustache wet.
ANNIE
Oh, yeah?
ALVY
(As another man walks by)
And there's the winner of the Truman
Capote look-alike contest.
EXT. STREET-NIGHT
Alvy and Annie walk almost in silhouette along the dock, the New York City
skyline in the background. Alvy has his arm around Annie and they walk slowly.
No one else is around.
ANNIE
You see, like you and I ...
ALVY
You are extremely sexy.
ANNIE
No, I'm not.
ALVY
Unbelievably sexy. Yes, you are.
Because ... you know what you are?
You're-you're polymorphously perverse.
ANNIE
Well, what does-what does that mean?
I don't know what that is.
ALVY
Uh ... uh, you're-you're exceptional
in bed because you got -you get pleasure
in every part of your body when I touch you.
ANNIE
Ooooh!
They stop walking. Holding Annie's arms, Alvy turns her to face him. The
South Street Bridge, lit up for the night, is in the background.
ALVY
You know what I mean? Like the tip
o'your nose, and if I stroke your teeth
or your kneecaps ... you get excited.
ANNIE
Come on.
(Laughing)
Yeah. You know what? You know, I
like you, I really mean it. I really do
like you.
ALVY
You- Do you love me?
ANNIE
Do I love you?
ALVY
That's the key question.
ANNIE
Yeah.
ALVY
I know you've only known me a short
while.
ANNIE
Well, I certainly ... I think that's
very- Yeah, yeah ...
(Laughing)
yeah. Do you love me?
ALVY
I-uh, love is, uh, is too weak a word
for what...
ANNIE
Yeah.
ALVY
- I ... I love you.
(Over Annie's laughter)
You know I lo-ove you, I-I love you.
(Over Annie's laughter)
I-I have to invent- Of course I love you.
ANNIE
Yeah.
ALVY
(Putting his arms around her neck)
Don't you think I do?
ANNIE
I dunno.
They kiss as a foghorn sounds in the distance.
INT. ALVY'S APARTMENT
Alvy, somewhat distraught, is following Annie around his apartment, which is
filled with boxes and suitcases, clothes and framed pictures. They both carry
cartons.
ALVY
Whatta you mean? You're not gonna give
up your own apartment, are you?
ANNIE
(Putting down the carton)
Of course.
ALVY
Yeah, bu-bu-but why?
ANNIE
Well, I mean, I'm moving in with you,
that's why.
ALVY
Yeah, but you-you got a nice apartment.
ANNIE
I have a tiny apartment.
ALVY
Yeah, I know it's small.
ANNIE
(Picking up the suitcases and
walking into the bedroom)
That's right, and it's got bad plumbing
and bugs.
ALVY
(Picking up some pictures and
following Annie into the bedroom)
All right, granted, it has bad plumbing
and bugs, but you-you say that like it's a
negative thing. You know, bugs are-are-uh,
entomology is a ...
(Annie, reacting, tosses the
suitcases and some loose clothing
onto the bed. She sits down on the
edge, looking away. Alvy walks in,
pictures and carton in band, still
talking)
... rapidly growing field.
ANNIE
You don't want me to live with you?
ALVY
How- I don't want you to live with me?
How- Whose idea was it?
ANNIE
Mine.
ALVY
Ye-ah. Was it ... It was yours actually,
but, uh, I approved it immediately.
ANNIE
I guess you think that I talked you into
something, huh?
(putting pictures on the mantel)
ALVY
No-what, what ...? I ... we live together,
we sleep together, we eat together. Jesus,
you don't want it to be like we're married,
do yuh?
He moves over to the carton of books on the window seat and reaches in. He
starts tossing books off screen.
ANNIE
(Looking up at Alvy)
How is it any different?
ALVY
(Gesturing)
It's different 'cause you keep your own
apartment.
(Holding a book, he starts walking
around the room)
Because you know it's there, we don't
have to go to it, we don't have to deal
with it, but it's like a-a-a free-floating
life raft ... that we know that we're not
married.
He tosses the book on the bed and walks back to the window seat.
ANNIE
(Still sitting on the bed)
That little apartment is four hundred
dollars a month, Alvy.
ALVY
(Looking at Annie)
That place is four hundred dollars a month?
ANNIE
Yes, it is.
ALVY
(Whistling)
It's-it's got bad plumbing and bugs. Jesus,
I'll-My accountant will write it off as a
tax deduction, I'll pay for it.
ANNIE
(Shaking her head)
You don't think I'm smart enough to be
serious about.
ALVY
Hey, don't be ridiculous.
Alvy moves over to the bed and sits down next to Annie.
ANNIE
Then why are you always pushing me to take
those college courses like I was dumb or
something?
ALVY
(Putting his hand to his forehead)
'Cause adult education's a wonderful thing.
You meet a lotta interesting professors.
You know, it's stimulating.
EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - DAY
Annie and Alvy, in Annie's VW, driving to their summerhouse. The camera moves
with them as they pass a house with a lighted window, blooming foliage. There
is no dialogue, but it is a comfortable quiet. Classical music plays in the
background.
CUT TO:
INT. COUNTRY HOUSE - NIGHT
Annie, sitting cross-legged on a wooden chest in the bedroom, is browsing
through a school catalogue. Alvy lies in bed reading.
ANNIE
(Reading)
Does this sound like a good course?
Uh, "Modern American Poetry"? Uh, or,
uh-let's see now ... maybe I should, uh,
take "Introduction to the Novel."
ALVY
Just don't take any course where they
make you read Beowulf.
ANNIE
What?
(Laughing)
Hey, listen, what-what do you think? Do
you think we should, uh, go to that-that
party in Southampton tonight?
Alvy leans over and kisses her shoulder.
ALVY
No, don't be silly. What-what do we need
other people for?
(He puts his arms around her neck,
kissing her, Annie making muffled
sounds)
You know, we should-we should just turn
out the lights, you know, and play hide
and seek or something.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Well, okay. Well, listen, I'm gonna get
a cigarette, okay?
ALVY
(Yelling out to her as she leaves
the room)
Yeah, grass, right? The illusion that
it will make a white woman more like
Billie Holiday.
ANNIE
(Off screen)
Well, have you ever made love high?
ALVY
Me, no. You ... I-I-you know, if I
have grass or alcohol or anything I
get unbearably wonderful. I get too,
too wonderful for words. You know,
I don't-I don't know why you have to,
uh, get high every time we make love.
ANNIE
(Moving back into the room and
lighting a joint)
It relaxes me.
ALVY
Oh, you-you have to be artificially
relaxed before we can go to bed?
ANNIE
(Closing the door)
Well, what's the difference, anyway?
ALVY
Well, I'll give you a shot of sodium
pentothal. You can sleep through it.
ANNIE
Oh, come on, look who's talking. You've
been seeing a psychiatrist for fifteen years.
(She gets into bed and takes a
puff of marijuana)
You should smoke some o' this. You'd be
off the couch in no time.
ALVY
Oh, come, you don't need that.
Alvy, sitting down on the bed, moves over to Annie and takes the weed from her.
ANNIE
What are you doing?
ALVY
(Kissing her)
No, no, no, what ... You can once, you
can live without it once. Come on.
ANNIE
Oh, no, Alvy, please. Alvy, please.
(Laughing and making sounds)
M'mrnm.
ALVY
M'm, wait, I got a great idea.
(He gets up and goes over to the
closet, taking out a light bulb.
He goes back to the bed and turns
out the lamp on the night table)
Hang in there for a second. I got a
little-little artifact. A little erotic
artifact, that-that I brought up from the
city, which I think, uh, is gonna be perfect.
(He turns the lamp back on, having
replaced the bulb with the red one
from the closet)
I just ... there ... There's a little Old
New Orleans ... essence. Now-now we can go
about our business here and we can even
develop photographs if we want to. There,
now there.
(He undresses and crawls into bed,
taking Annie in his arms)
M'mmm. M'mmm. Hey, is something wrong?
ANNIE
Uh-uh-why?
ALVY
I don't know. You- It's like you're-
you're removed.
ANNIE
No, I'm fine.
As Annie speaks, her inner self (ghostlike, moves up from the bed and) sits
down on a chair, watching.
ALVY
Really?
ANNIE
U-huh.
ALVY
I don't know, but you seem sort of distant.
ANNIE
Let's just do it, all right?
ALVY
(Kissing and caressing Annie)
Is it my imagination or are you just
going through the motions?
ANNIE'S SPIRIT
Alvy, do you remember where I put my
drawing pad? Because while you two are
doing that, I think I'm gonna do some
drawing.
ALVY
(Reacting)
You see, that's what I call removed.
ANNIE
Oh, you have my body.
ALVY
Yeah, but that's not-that's no good.
I want the whole thing.
ANNIE
(Sighing)
Well, I need grass and so do you.
ALVY
Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass
(Clearing his throat)
because, you know, I'm, like, a comedian-
ANNIE
(Overlapping)
M'hm.
ALVY
(Overlapping)
-so if I get a laugh from a person who's
high, it doesn't count. You know-'cause
they're always laughin'.
ANNIE
Were you always funny?
ALVY
Hey, what is this-an interview? We're
supposed to be making love.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE.
A typical old-fashioned theatrical agency in a Broadway office building.
Autographed 8 X 12 is plastered in the sloppy room. The agent, chewing a
cigar, sits behind his desk talking to one of his clients, a comedian, who
stands with his hands in his pockets. A young Alvy sits stiffly in a chair
nearby watching.
AGENT
This guy is naturally funny. I think
he can write for you.
COMIC
(Buttoning his jacket)
Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're
really good. Well, lemme explain a little
bit o' how I work. You know, you can tell
right off the bat that I don't look like
a funny guy when I come-you know, like some
o' the guys that come out. You know, right
away
(Gesturing)
they're gonna tell yuh their stories, you're
gonna fall down, but I gotta be really
talented. Material's gotta be sensational
for me 'cause I work, you know, with very,
very ... Come on, I'm kinda classy, you
know what I mean? Uh ... uh ... lemme
explain. For instance, I open with an
opening song. A musical start like
(Ad-lib singing)
and I walk out
(Ad-lib singing)
"Place looks wonderful from here and
you folks look wonderful from here!
(Singing)
"And seein' you there
With a smile on your face
Makes me shout
This must be the place."
Then I stop right in the middle and then
I open with some jokes. Now, that's where
I need you, right there. For instance, like
I say, "Hey, I just got back from Canada,
you know, they speak a lotta French up
there. The only way to remember Jeanne
d'Arc means the light's out in the bathroom!"
(He laughs. Seated Alvy looks
up smiling)
"Oh, I met a big lumberjack ..."
ALVY'S VOICE
(To himself)
Jesus, this guy's pathetic.
COMIC
(Overlapping above speech)
... big lumberjack ...
ALVY'S VOICE
(To himself while the comic
continues his routine)
Look at him mincing around, like he
thinks he's real cute. You wanna throw
up. If only I had the nerve to do my
own jokes. I don't know how much longer
I can keep this smile frozen on my face.
I'm in the wrong business, I know it.
COMIC
(Overlapping above speech)
"'Cherie, come back. I love you.
(Shaking his lips and mimicking)
But, uh, Cheri, what will I do with this,
uh?' He says, 'Aw, Marie, sometime you
make me so mad."'
(Laughing)
Oh, they scream at that. Now, write me
somethin' like that, will yuh? Kinda
French number, can yuh do it? Huh, kid?
INT. THEATER - NIGHT
The darkened auditorium is filled with college students applauding and cheering,
excited, as Alvy stands on spotlighted stage holding the microphone.
ALVY
(Gesturing)
W-where am I? I-I keep ... I have to
reorient myself. This is the University
of Wisconsin, right? So I'm always ...
I'm tense and ... uh, when I'm playin' a
col- I've a very bad history with colleges.
You know, I went to New York University and,
uh, tsch, I was thrown out of NYU my freshman
year ... for cheating on my metaphysics final.
You know, I looked within the soul of the
boy sitting next to me-
(The audience laughs; they're with him)
-and when I was thrown out, my mother,
who's an emotionally high-strung woman,
locked herself in the bathroom and took an
overdose of mah-jongg tiles.
(More applause and laughter)
And, uh, tsch, I was depressed. I was ...
in analysis, I-I, uh, was suicidal; as a
matter of fact, uh, I would have killed
myself but I was in analysis with a strict
Freudian and if you kill yourself ... they
make you pay for the sessions you miss.
INT. BACKSTAGE OF THEATER.
Students mill around Alvy banding him pens and paper for autographs.
Annie is next to him, talking over the chattering fans.
ANNIE
Alvy, you were ... Alvy, you were just
great, I'm not kidding. It was- You
were so neat.
ALVY
C-c-coll- College audiences are so wonderful.
ANNIE
Yeah. Yeah. And you know something?
I think that I'm starting to get more
of your references, too.
ALVY
Are yuh?
ANNIE
Yeah.
ALVY
Well, the twelve o'clock show is
completely different than the nine.
YOUNG WOMAN
(Interrupting)
May I have your autograph?
ANNIE
(Over lapping above speech)
Oh.
ALVY
(To Annie, while autographing)
You're so sure about it.
ANNIE
Oh, I'm really, uh, looking forward to
tomorrow. I mean, you know, I think that
it'll be really nice to meet Mother and
Father.
They start moving toward the exit, a girl snapping a picture of Alvy with a
flash camera as they walk through the crowd.
ALVY
Yeah, I know, they'll hate me immediately.
(To one of his fans)
Thank you.
ANNIE
No, I don't think so. No, I don't think
they're gonna hate you at all. On the
contrary, I think-
ALVY
Yeah.
ANNIE
It's Easter. You know, we'll have a nice
dinner, we'll sit down and eat. I think
they're gonna really like you.
EXT. ANNIE'S PARENTS' HOME-DAY
The camera shows a neat two-story house surrounded by a well-manicured green
lawn, then cuts to:
INT. DINING ROOM.
Alvy and the Halls are eating Easter dinner. The sun is pouring through a big
picture window, shining on a large, elegantly laid out table. Alvy sits, at one
end,- rubbing his nose and chewing, the Halls flanking him on either side: Mr.
and Mrs. Hall, Grammy, and Annie's brother, Duane.
MOM HALL
(Holding her wine glass)
It's a nice ham this year, Mom.
Grammy Hall takes a sip of her wine and nods.
ANNIE
(Smiling at Duane)
Oh, yeah. Grammy always does such
a good job.
DAD HALL
(Chewing)
A great sauce.
ALVY
It is.
(Smacking his lips)
It's dynamite ham.
Grammy Hall stares down the table at Alvy; a look of utter dislike. Alvy tries
not to notice.
MOM HALL
(To Dad Hall, smoothing her hair)
We went over to the swap meet. Annie,
Gram and I. Got some nice picture frames.
ANNIE
We really had a good time.
Grammy continues to stare at Alvy; he is now dressed in the long black coat and
hat of the Orthodox Jew, complete with mustache and heard.
MOM HALL
(Lighting a cigarette and turning
to Alvy)
Ann tells us that you've been seeing a
psychiatrist for fifteen years.
ALVY
(Setting down his glass and coughing)
Yes. I'm making excellent progress.
Pretty soon when I lie down on his couch,
I won't have to wear the lobster bib.
Mom Hall reacts by sipping from her glass and frowning. Grammy continues to
stare.
DAD HALL
Duane and I went out to the boat basin.
DUANE
We were caulkin' holes all day.
DAD HALL
Yeah.
(Laughing)
Randolph Hunt was drunk, as usual.
MOM HALL
Oh, that Randolph Hunt. You remember
Randy Hunt, Annie. He was in the choir
with you.
ANNIE
Oh, yes, yes.
Alvy, leaning his elbow on the table, looks out toward the camera.
ALVY
(To the audience)
I can't believe this family.
(Making chewing sounds)
Annie's mother. She really's beautiful.
And they're talkin' swap meets and boat
basins, and the old lady at the end of
the table
(Pointing to Grammy)
is a classic Jew hater. And, uh, they,
they realty look American, you know,
very healthy and ... like they never
get sick or anything. Nothing like my
family. You know, the two are like oil
and water.
The screen splits in half - on the right is Alvy's family - his mother, father,
aunt and uncle-busily eating at the crowded kitchen table. They eat quickly
and interrupt one another loudly. On the left the Halls in their dining room.
Both dialogues overlap, juxtaposed.
ALVY'S FATHER
Let 'im drop dead! Who needs his
business?!
ALVY'S MOTHER
His wife has diabetes!
ALVY'S FATHER
Di-diabetes? Is that any excuse?
Diabetes?
ALVY'S UNCLE
The man is fifty years old and doesn't
have a substantial job.
ALVY'S AUNT
(Putting more meat on her
husband's plate)
Is that a reason to steal from his father?
ALVY'S UNCLE
Whatta you talkin' about? You don't
know what you're talking about.
ALVY'S AUNT
Yes, I know what I'm talking about.
ALVY'S MOTHER
(Interrupting)
George, defend him!
ALVY'S UNCLE
(Over Alvy's father's muttering)
No Moskowitz he had a coronary.
ALVY'S AUNT
You don't say.
ALVY'S MOTHER
We fast.
MOM HALL
Stupid Thelma Poindexter ... to the
Veterans Hospital.
DAD HALL
My God, he's the new president of the
El Regis. Let me tell you, the man is
somethin' else.
MOM HALL
That's Jack's wife. We used to make
that outta raisins.
ANNIE
Oh, yes, that's right. Did you see
the new play?
MOM HALL
Oh, you remember her, Annie.
ANNIE
Yes, I do.
The two families start talking back and forth to one another. The screen is
still split.
MOM HALL
How do you plan to spend the holidays,
Mrs. Singer?
DAD HALL
Fast?
ALVY'S FATHER
Yeah, no food. You know, we have to
atone for our sins.
MOM HALL
What sins? I don't understand.
ALVY'S FATHER
Tell you the truth, neither do we.
CUT TO:
INT. DUANE'S BEDROOM-NIGHT
Duane, sitting on his bed, sees Alvy walking past the open door.
DUANE
Alvy.
ALVY
(Walking in)
Oh, hi, Duane, how's it goin'?
DUANE
This is my room.
ALVY
(Looking around)
Oh, yeah?
(He clears his throat)
Terrific.
DUANE
Can I confess something?
Alvy sighs and sits down, leaning his arm on Duane's dresser. Duane's face is
big lighted by a single lamp.
DUANE
I tell you this because, as an artist,
I think you'll understand. Sometimes
when I'm driving ... on the road at night
... I see two headlights coming toward me.
Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn
the wheel quickly, head-on into the
oncoming car. I can anticipate the
explosion. The sound of shattering glass.
The ... flames rising out of the flowing
gasoline.
ALVY
(Reacting and clearing his throat)
Right. Tsch, well, I have to-I have
t-o go now, Duane, because I-I'm due
back on the planet earth.
He slowly gets up and moves toward the door.
INT. THE HALLS' LIVING ROOM.
Mom and Dad Hall walk into the living room; Annie is with them.
MOM HALL
Now, don't let it be so long, now.
ANNIE
No.
DAD HALL
And look up Uncle Bill, you promise.
ANNIE
Okay. Okay.
MOM HALL
Oh, he's adorable, Annie.
ANNIE
You think so? Do you really?
MOM HALL
We're going to take them to the airport.
DAD HALL
Oh, no-Duane can. I haven't finished
my drink.
ANNIE
Yes, Duane is. I'll be right-
MOM HALL
M'mmm.
ANNIE
I just have time to get the, uh-
She walks out of the room as Mom and Dad Hall kiss.
EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
Duane, behind the wheel, stares straight ahead. It is raining very hard, the
windshield wipers are moving quickly. The headlights of another car brightens
the interior of Duane's car as the camera shows first Duane, then Annie, then
Alvy tensely staring straight ahead.
EXT. STREET- DAY
The camera bolds on a quiet New York City street; the buildings, brownstones.
It's a warm day-people sit on front stoops, window boxes are planted. Annie
walks into the frame first, then Alvy, who is walking to her right. They walk
quickly, side by side, their voices heard before they move into the frame.
ANNIE
(Off screen)
You followed me. I can't believe it!
ALVY
(Off screen)
I didn't follow you!
ANNIE
You followed me!
ALVY
Why? 'Cause I ... was walkin' along
a block behind you staring at you?
That's not following!
ANNIE
Well, what is your definition of
following?
ALVY
(Gasping)
Following is different. I was spying.
ANNIE
Do you realize how paranoid you are?
ALVY
Paranoid? I'm looking at you. You
got your arms around another guy.
ANNIE
That is the worst kind of paranoia.
ALVY
Yeah-well, I didn't start out spying.
I-I thought I'd surprise yuh. Pick you
up after school.
ANNIE
Yeah-well, you wanted to keep the
relationship flexible, remember?
It's your phrase.
ALVY
Oh, stop it. But you were having an
affair with your college professor.
That jerk that teaches that incredible
crap course "Contemporary Crisis in
Western Man"!
ANNIE
"Existential Motifs in Russian Literature"!
You're really close.
ALVY
What's the difference? It's all mental
masturbation.
ANNIE
(Stopping for a moment)
Oh, well, now we're finally getting to
a subject you know something about!
She walks away.
ALVY
(Catching up to her)
Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's
sex with someone I love.
ANNIE
(Continuing to walk quickly)
We're not having an affair. He's married.
He just happens to think I'm neat.
ALVY
(Still walking next to her)
"Neat"! There's that- What are you-twelve
years old? That's one o' your Chippewa
Falls expressions! "He thinks I'm neat."
ANNIE
Who cares? Who cares?
ALVY
Next thing you know he'll find you keen
and peachy, you know? Next thing you
know he's got his hand on your ass!
They both stop in the middle of the street.
ANNIE
You've always had hostility toward
David ever since I mentioned him!
ALVY
David? You call your teacher David?
ANNIE
It's his name.
ALVY
Well, listen, that's, a nice bi-it's
a biblical name. Right? W-What does
he call you? Bathsheba?
He walks away.
ANNIE
(Calling after him)
Alvy! Alvy! You're the one who never
wanted to make a real commitment. You
don't think I'm smart enough! We had
that argument just last month, or don't
ou remember that day?
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN.
Alvy is at the sink washing dishes as the screen cuts to the scene of last
month's argument. Annie's voice is heard.
ANNIE
(Off screen)
I'm home!
ALVY
(Turning)
Oh, yeah? How'd it go?
ANNIE
(Comes into the kitchen and puts
down a bag of groceries on the
kitchen table)
Oh, it was ...
(Laughing)
really weird. But she's a very nice woman.
ALVY
Yeah?
ANNIE
And I didn't have to lie down on the couch,
Alvy, she had me sitting up. So I told her
about-about the-the family and about my
feelings toward men and about my
relationship with my brother.
ALVY
M'm.
ANNIE
And then she mentioned penis envy ...
Did you know about that?
ALVY
Me? I'm-I'm one of the few males who
suffers from that, so, so ... you know.
ANNIE
M'hm.
ALVY
G-go on, I'm interested.
ANNIE
Well, she said that I was very guilty
about my impulses toward marriage,
and-and children.
ALVY
M'hm.
ANNIE
And then I remembered when I was a kid
how I accidentally saw my parents making
love.
ALVY
Tsch. Rea- All this happened in the
first hour?
ANNIE
M'hm.
ALVY
That's amazing. I-I-I ... I've been
goin' for fifteen years, I-you know,
I don't got ... nothing like that in-
ANNIE
Oh, I told her my dream and then I cried.
ALVY
You cried? I've never once cried.
Fantastic ...
ANNIE
(Taking groceries from the bag)
Yeah.
ALVY
I whine. I-I-I sit and I whine.
ANNIE
In-in ... Alvy, in my dream Frank
Sinatra is holding his pillow across
my face and I can't breathe.
ALVY
Sinatra?
ANNIE
Yeah, and he's strangling me ...
ALVY
Yeah?
ANNIE
... and I keep, you know, it's-
ALVY
(Taking a bottle of juice and
some celery from the bag)
Well, well, sure ... because he's a
singer and you're a singer, you know,
so it's perfect. So you're trying to
suffocate yourself. It-it makes perfect
sense. Uh, uh, that's a perfect analytic
... kind of insight.
ANNIE
(Pointing her finger at Alvy)
She said, your name was Alvy Singer.
ALVY
(Turning to Annie)
Whatta you mean? Me?
ANNIE
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you. Because in the
dream ... I break Sinatra's glasses.
ALVY
(Putting his band to his mouth)
Sinatra had gl- You never said Sinatra
had glasses. So whatta you saying that
I-I'm suffocating you?
ANNIE
(Turning, ajar in her hand)
Oh, and God, Alvy, I did ... this really
terrible thing to him. Because then when
he sang it was in this real high-pitched
voice.
ALVY
(Thinking)
Tsch, what'd the doctor say?
ANNIE
(Putting away some groceries)
Well, she said that I should probably
come five times a week. And you know
something? I don't think I mind analysis
at all. The only question is, Will it
change my wife?
ALVY
Will it change your wife?
ANNIE
Will it change my life?
ALVY
Yeah, but you said, "Will it change
my wife"!
ANNIE
No, I didn't.
(Laughing)
I said, "Will it change my life," Alvy.
ALVY
You said, "Will it change. . ." Wife.
Will it change ...
ANNIE
(Yelling out, angry)
Life. I said, "life."
Alvy turns toward the camera.
ALVY
(To the audience)
She said, "Will it change my wife." You
heard that because you were there so I'm
not crazy.
ANNIE
And, Alvy ... and then I told her about
how I didn't think you'd ever really take
me seriously, because you don't think that
I'm smart enough.
She walks out of the room.
ALVY
(To Annie's back, gesturing)
Why do you always bring that up? Because
I encourage you to take adult-education
courses? I think it's a wonderful thing.
You meet wonderful, interesting professors'.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET
Annie stands at the open door of a cab, Alvy next to her gesturing as people
and cars move by.
ALVY
Adult education is such junk! The
professors are so phony. How can you
do it?
ANNIE
A bit rapidly. I don't care what you
say about David, he's a perfectly fine
teacher!
ALVY
(Interrupting)
David! David! I can't believe this!
ANNIE
And what are you doing following me
around for, anyway?
ALVY
I'm following you and David, if you-
ANNIE
(Interrupting)
I just think we oughta call this
relationship quits!
Annie gets into the cab; Alvy leans over and closes the door.
ALVY
That's fine. That's fine. That's great!
(He turns toward the camera as the
cab drives away)
Well, I don't know what I did wrong.
(Gesturing)
I mean, I can't believe this. Somewhere
she cooled off to me!
(He walks up to an older woman
walking down the street carrying
groceries)
Is it-is it something that I did?
WOMAN ON THE STREET
Never something you do. That's how
people are. Love fades.
She moves on down the street.
ALVY
(Scratching his head)
Love fades. God, that's a depressing
thought. Have to ask you a question.
(He stops another passer-by,a man)
Don't go any further. Now, with your
wife in bed, d-d-does she need some kind
o' artificial stimulation like-like marijuana?
MAN ON THE STREET
We use a large vibrating egg.
He walks on.
ALVY
(Continuing to walk)
Large vibrating egg. Well, I ask a
psychopath, I get that kind of an answer.
Jesus, I-I, uh, here ...
(He moves up the sidewalk to
a young trendy-looking couple,
arms wrapped around each other)
You-you look like a really happy couple.
Uh, uh ... are you?
YOUNG WOMAN
Yeah.
ALVY
Yeah! So ... so h-h-how do you account
for it?
YOUNG WOMAN
Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I
have no ideas and nothing interesting
to say.
YOUNG MAN
And I'm exactly the same way.
ALVY
I see. Well, that's very interesting.
So you've managed to work out something, huh?
YOUNG MAN
Right.
YOUNG WOMAN
Yeah.
ALVY
Oh, well, thanks very much for talking
to me.
He continues to walk past some other passersby and moves into the street. A
mounted policeman comes by and stops near him. Alvy looks at the horse, as if
to speak.
ALVY'S VOICE-OVER
You know, even as a kid I always went
for the wrong women. I think that's my
problem. When my mother took me to see
Snow White, everyone fell in love with
Snow White. I immediately fell for the
Wicked Queen.
The scene dissolves into a sequence from the animated Snow White and the Seven
Dwarfs. The Wicked Queen, resembling Annie, sits in the palace before her
mirror. Alvy, as a cartoon figure, sits beside her, arms crossed in front of
him.
WICKED QUEEN
We never have any fun anymore.
CARTOON FIGURE ALVY
How can you say that?
WICKED QUEEN
Why not? You're always leaning on me
to improve myself.
CARTOON FIGURE ALVY
You're just upset. You must be getting
your period.
WICKED QUEEN
I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon
character. Can't I be upset once in
a while?
Rob, as a cartoon figure, enters and sits down on the other side of the Wicked
Queen.
CARTOON FIGURE ROB
Max, will you forget about Annie? I
know lots of women you can date.
CARTOON FIGURE ALVY
I don't wanna go out with any other women.
CARTOON FIGURE ROB
Max, have I got a girl for you. You are
going to love her. She's a reporter-
The cartoon figures of Alvy and Rob walk past the Wicked Queen; the screen
dissolves into the interior of a concert ball. Rob's voice carries over from
the cartoon scene as the screen shows Alvy with the female reporter. It's very
crowded, noisy; policeman and reporters are everywhere. Alvy stands with his
hands in his pockets, watching the commotion.
CARTOON FIGURE ROB'S VOICE-OVER
-for Rolling Stone.
FEMALE REPORTER
I think there are more people here to
see the Maharishi than there were to see
the Dylan concert. I covered the Dylan
concert ... which gave me chills.
Especially when he sang "She takes just
like a woman And she makes love just
like a woman Yes, she does And she aches
just like a woman But she breaks just
like a little girl."
(They move toward the aisles as
a guard holds up his hands to stop
them)
Up to that I guess the most charismatic
event I covered was Mick's Birthday when
the Stones played Madison Square Garden.
ALVY
(Laughing)
Man, that's great. That's just great.
REPORTER
You catch Dylan?
ALVY
(Coughing)
Me? No, no. I-I couldn't make it that
ni- My-my raccoon had hepatitis.
REPORTER
You have a raccoon?
ALVY
(Gesturing)
Tsch, a few.
REPORTER
The only word for this is trans-plendid.
It's trans-plendid.
ALVY
I can think of another word.
REPORTER
He's God! I mean, this man is God! He's
got millions of followers who would crawl
all the way across the world just to touch
the hem of his garment.
ALVY
Really? It must be a tremendous hem.
REPORTER
I'm a Rosicrucian myself.
ALVY
Are you?
REPORTER
Yeah.
ALVY
I can't get with any religion that
advertises in Popular Mechanics. Look-
(The Maharisbi, a small, chunky
man, walks out of the men's room,
huge bodyguards flanking him while
policemen bold back the crowds)
there's God coming outta the men's room.
REPORTER
It's unbelievably trans-plendid! I was
at the Stones concert in Altamount when
they killed that guy, remember?
ALVY
Yeah, were yuh? I was-I was at an Alice
Cooper thing where six people were rushed
to the hospital with bad vibes.
INT. ALVY'S BEDROOM-NIGHT
The reporter is sitting up in bed, lighted cigarette in her hand. Alvy, lying
next to her, rubs his eyes and puts on his eyeglasses.
REPORTER
(Looking down at him)
I hope you don't mind that I took so long
to finish.
ALVY
(Sighing)
Oh, no, no, don't be ... tsch ... don't
be silly. You know,
(Yawning)
I'm startin' it-I'm startin' to get some
feeling back in my jaw now.
REPORTER
Oh, sex with you is really a kafkaesque
experience.
ALVY
Oh, tsch, thank you. H'm.
REPORTER
I mean that as a compliment.
ALVY
(Making sounds)
I think-I think there's too much burden
placed on the orgasm, you know, to make
up for empty areas in life.
REPORTER
Who said that?
ALVY
(Rubbing his chin and shoulder)
Uh, oh, I don't know. It might have
been Leopold and Loeb.
(The telephone rings. Alvy picks
it up, rising up slightly from the
bed, concerned, as he talks)
Hello. Oh, hi ... Uh, no, what-what's
the matter? What-what-what? You sound
terrible ... No, what- Sure I- Whatta yuh
-what kind of an emergency? ... No, well,
stay there. Stay there, I'll come over
right now. I'll come over right now. Just
stay there, I'll come right over.
He hangs up. The reporter sits in bed still, taking in the situation.
INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT HALLWAY
Annie, looking slightly distraught, goes to open the door to Alvy's knock.
ALVY
What's- It's me, open up.
ANNIE
(Opening the door)
Oh.
ALVY
Are you okay? What's the matter?
(They look at each other, Annie
sighing)
Are you all right? What-
ANNIE
There's a spider in the bathroom.
ALVY
(Reacting)
What?
ANNIE
There's a big black spider in the bathroom.
ALVY
That's what you got me here for at three
o'clock in the morning, 'cause there's a
spider in the bathroom?
ANNIE
My God, I mean, you know how I am about
insects.
ALVY
(Interrupting, sighing)
Oooh.
ANNIE
-I can't sleep with a live thing crawling
around in the bathroom.
ALVY
Kill it! For Go- What's wrong with you?
Don't you have a can of Raid in the house?
ANNIE
(Shaking her head)
No.
Alvy, disgusted, starts waving his hands and starts to move into the living
room.
ALVY
(Sighing)
I told you a thousand times you should
always keep, uh, a lotta insect spray.
You never know who's gonna crawl over.
ANNIE
(Following him)
I know, I know, and a first-aid kit and
a fire extinguisher.
ALVY
Jesus. All right, gimme a magazine.
I- 'cause I'm a little tired.
(While Annie goes of to find
him a magazine, Alvy, still
talking, glances around the
apartment. He notices a small
book on a cabinet and picks it up.)
You know, you, you joke with-about me,
you make fun of me, but I'm prepared for
anything. An emergency, a tidal wave,
an earthquake. Hey, what is this?
What? Did you go to a rock concert?
ANNIE
Yeah.
ALVY
Oh, yeah, really? Really? How-how'd
you like it? Was it-was it, I mean,
did it ... was it heavy? Did it achieve
total heavy-ocity? Or was it, uh...
ANNIE
It was just great!
ALVY
(Thumbing through the book)
Oh, humdinger. When- Well, I got a
wonderful idea. Why don'tcha get the
guy who took you to the rock concert,
we'll call him and he can come over and
kill the spider. You know, it's a-
He tosses the book down on the cabinet.
ANNIE
I called you; you wanna help me ... or
not? H'h? Here.
She hands him a magazine.
ALVY
(Looking down at the magazine)
What is this? What are you, since
when do you read the "National Review"?
What are you turning in to?
ANNIE
(Turning to a nearby chair for
some gum in her pocketbook)
Well, I like to try to get all points
of view.
ALVY
It's wonderful. Then why don'tcha get
William F. Buckley to kill the spider?
ANNIE
(Spinning around to face him)
Alvy, you're a little hostile, you
know that? Not only that, you look
thin and tired.
She puts a piece of gum in her mouth.
ALVY
Well, I was in be- It's three o'clock
in the morning. You, uh, you got me
outta bed, I ran over here, I couldn't
get a taxi cab. You said it was an
emergency, and I didn't ge- I ran up
the stairs. Hell - I was a lot more
attractive when the evening began.
Look, uh, tell- Whatta you- Are you
going with a right-wing rock-and roll
star? Is that possible?
ANNIE
(Sitting down on a chair arm
and looking up at Alvy)
Would you like a glass of chocolate milk?
ALVY
Hey, what am I-your son? Whatta you mean?
I-I came over TV --_
ANNIE
(Touching his chest with her hand)
I got the good chocolate, Alvy.
ALVY
Yeah, where is the spider?
ANNIE
It really is lovely. It's in the bathroom.
ALVY
Is he in the bathroom?
ANNIE
(Rising from chair)
Hey, don't squish it, and after it's
dead, flush it down the toilet, okay?
And flush it a couple o' times.
ALVY
(Moving down the hallway to
the bathroom)
Darling, darling, I've been killing
spiders since I was thirty, okay?
ANNIE
(Upset, hands on her neck)
Oh. What?
ALVY
(Coming back into the living room)
Very big spider.
ANNIE
Yeah?
ALVY
Two ... Yeah. Lotta, lotta trouble.
There's two of 'em.
Alvy starts walking down the ball again, Annie following.
ANNIE
Two?
ALVY
(Opening a closet door)
Yep. I didn't think it was that big,
but it's a major spider. You got a
broom or something with a-
ANNIE
Oh, I-I left it at your house.
ALVY
(Overlapping)
-snow shovel or anything or something.
ANNIE
(Overlapping)
I think I left it there, I'm sorry.
Reaching up into the closet, Alvy takes out a covered tennis racquet.
ALVY
(Holding the racquet)
Okay, let me have this.
ANNIE
Well, what are you doing ... what are
you doing with-
ALVY
Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom
the size of a Buick.
He walks into the bathroom, Annie looking after him.
ANNIE
Well, okay. Oooh.
Alvy stands in the middle of the bathroom, tennis racquet in one band, rolled
magazine in the other. He looks over at the shelf above the sink and picks up
a small container. He holds it out, shouting off screen to Annie.
ALVY
Hey, what is this? You got black soap?
ANNIE
(Off screen)
It's for my complexion.
ALVY
Whatta-whatta yuh joining a minstrel show?
Geez.
(Alvy turns and starts swapping
the racquet over the shelf, knocking
down articles and breaking glass)
Don't worry!
(He continues to swat the racquet
all over the bathroom. He finally
moves out of the room, hands close
to his body. He walks into the
other room, where Annie is sitting
in a corner of her bed leaning against
the wall)
I did it! I killed them both. What-what's
the matter? Whatta you-
(Annie is sobbing, her band over
her face)
-whatta you sad about? You- What'd you
want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate
'em?
ANNIE
(Sobbing and taking Alvy's arm)
Oh, don't go, okay? Please.
ALVY
(Sitting down next to her)
Whatta you mean, don't go? Whatta-whatta
-what's the matter? Whatta you expecting
-termites? What's the matter?
ANNIE
(Sobbing)
Oh, uh, I don't know. I miss you. Tsch.
She beats her fist on the bed. Reacting, Alvy puts his arm around her shoulder
and leans back against the wall.
ALVY
Oh, Jesus, really?
ANNIE
(Leaning on his shoulder)
Oh, yeah. Oh.
(They kiss)
Oh! Alvy?
ALVY
What?
He touches her face gently as she wipes tears from her face.
ANNIE
Was there somebody in your room when
I called you?
ALVY
W-w-whatta you mean?
ANNIE
I mean was there another- I thought I
heard a voice.
ALVY
Oh, I had the radio on.
ANNIE
Yeah?
ALVY
I'm sorry. I had the television set
... I had the television-
ANNIE
Yeah.
Alvy pulls her to him and they kiss again.
CUT TO:
INT. ALVY'S BED
Alvy is lying in bed next to Annie, who is leaning on her elbow looking down
at him. He rubs her arms and she smiles.
ANNIE
Alvy, let's never break up again. I don't
wanna be apart.
ALVY
Oh, no, no, I think we're both much too
mature for something like that.
ANNIE
Living together hasn't been so bad, has it?
ALVY
It's all right for me, it's been terrific,
you know? Better than either one of my
marriages. See, 'cause. . . 'cause there's
just something different about you. I
don't know what it is, but it's great.
ANNIE
(Snickering)
You know I think that if you let me, maybe
I could help you have more fun, you know?
I mean, I know it's hard and ... Yeah.
ALVY
I don't know.
ANNIE
Alvy, what about ... what if we go away
this weekend, and we could-
ALVY
Tsch, why don't we get ... why don't
we get Rob, and the three of us'll
drive into Brooklyn, you know, and
we show you the old neighborhood.
ANNIE
Okay, okay. Okay.
ALVY
That'd be fun for yuh. Don't you think-
ANNIE
Yeah.
Alvy raises up his head and they kiss.
EXT. HIGHWAY
Annie is behind the wheel in her VW, Rob is beside her, Alvy in the back seat
leaning forward so that his head is between them. They're driving down the
highway.
ANNIE
-me, my God, it's a great day!
ALVY
(Interrupting)
Hey, can yuh watch the road? Watch the --
ROB
(Overlapping)
Yeah, watch the road!
ALVY
You'll total the whole car.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Hey, you know, I never even visited
Brooklyn before.
ROB
I can't wait to see the old neighborhood.
ALVY
Yeah, the neighborhood's gonna be great.
ROB
We can show her the schoolyard.
ALVY
Right. I was a great athlete. Tell
her, Max, I was the best, I was all
schoolyard.
ROB
Yes, I remember.
(Annie laughs)
He was all schoolyard. They threw him
a football once, he tried to dribble it.
ALVY
Yeah, well, I used to lose my glasses a lot.
EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK.
Alvy Annie and Rob move toward the roller coaster on the screen. The area's
deserted. Sea gulls are heard.
ALVY
Oh, look, look, there's that ... that's
-that's my old house. That's where I
used to live.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Holy cow!
ROB
You're lucky, Max-where I used to live
is now a pornographic equipment store.
Annie laughs.
ALVY
I have some very good memories there.
ROB
What kind of good memories, Max?
Your mother and father fighting all
the time.