Duck Soup
Writers: Bert Kelmer, Harry Ruby, Grover Jones
Genres: Comedy, Family, Musical
Duck Soup (1933)
Screenplay by
Harry Ruby, Bert Kalmar and Grover Jones
The story begins with an opening shot on the exterior of the
executive mansion. It is a gala day. Soldiers are lined up
in front of the entrance; expensive cars and carriages are
arriving and depositing distinguished notables from the
adjoining countries. Two trumpeters at the head of the stairs
announce the arrival of each notable.
In the large reception hall, Mrs. Teasdale, wife of the late
president, is greeting the newcomers. The room is filled
with distinguished guests. At the moment we see Mrs.
Teasdale, she is talking with a notable. In the near
background is a group of distinguished men, members of her
own cabinet. Her words to the notable are not lost on them,
and as she begins to praise the new dictator, there is the
exchange of disapproving glances.
MRS. TEASDALE
It is so good of you to come.
NOTABLE
An honor, Mrs. Teasdale... You must
indeed have great faith in your new
dictator to give him such a
magnificent reception.
MRS. TEASDALE
I feel that Rufus T. Firefly is the
only logical successor to my dear
departed husband. He has the
statesmanship of Gladstone, the
humility of Lincoln, and the wisdom
of Pericles.
The notable kisses her hand once more and leaves the scene.
As he does, the background group moves into Mrs. Teasdale.
Their spokesman addresses Mrs. Teasdale.
FIRST CABINET MEMBER
(Protestingly)
Mrs. Teasdale, as members of
Freedonia's cabinet, we do not approve
of your choice. Who is this Rufus
T. Firefly?
SECOND CABINET MEMBER
(Waving aloft a paper)
A stranger in our midst, an agent
for the Eureka Ammunition Company.
Think of it, Gentlemen, an ammunition
salesman dictating the policies of
our peace-loving country.
THIRD CABINET MEMBER
Reconsider, Mrs. Teasdale, before it
is too late. The citizens of
Freedonia want a President!
MRS. TEASDALE
As the widow of your last president,
I have the right to choose -- and,
Gentlemen, I refuse to discuss the
matter any further.
Mrs Teasdale turns her back on them, leaving them to mumble
among themselves.
From off scene comes a servant's voice, announcing:
SERVANT
His Excellency, Ambassador Verdi
Trentino of Amnesia!
Cut... to the archway. We see Trentino enter with a beautiful
brunette at his side. He is followed by two or three of his
fellowmen. He moves across the reception hall to Mrs.
Teasdale, bows most graciously and presses his lips to the
back of her hand, then introduces his companion.
TRENTINO
Mrs. Teasdale... my niece, Vera.
Mrs. Teasdale shakes the girl's hand warmly.
MRS. TEASDALE
(To niece)
Your uncle has been such a friend to
us in every crisis. Without his
country's financial aid --
TRENTINO
(Lightly)
What is money?
(Tenderly)
Mrs. Teasdale, for you -- I would do
anything.
MRS. TEASDALE
(Flustered)
Ambassador!
(Attempting to change
the subject)
I am so anxious for you to meet our
new dictator.
TRENTINO
(Persistent in his
flattery)
Mrs. Teasdale -- no matter who rules
Freedonia, to me you will always be
the first lady of the land.
Trentino attempts to take her hand. The latter is a bit
confused, much to the amusement of Vera, who laughingly says:
VERA
Mrs. Teasdale, my uncle's hopeless --
you've been the only topic of
conversation ever since we left
Amnesia.
Mrs. Teasdale's confusion is happily interrupted by the
announcement of a servant, off scene.
SERVANT
The Honorable Mohamed Pandooh of
Mufhtan!
MRS. TEASDALE
(Hastily)
Oh, I must greet His Honor.
Mrs. Teasdale exits from the scene quickly. Vera and Trentino
look after her, then Vera laughs softly, as their eyes meet.
VERA
So that's the one you want to marry.
TRENTINO
With Mrs. Teasdale as my wife and
Freedonia under my control --
(He rubs his hands
significantly)
VERA
Maybe it's not going to be so easy.
From what I've heard, Mrs. Teasdale
is rather sweet on this Rufus T.
Firefly.
TRENTINO
That's where you come in. I'll leave
him in your hands, and don't forget
you're supposed to be my niece.
Vera winks agreeingly.
Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene with Bob Firefly (ZEPPO).
She introduces him.
MRS. TEASDALE
I want you to meet the son of His
Excellency -- Bob Firefly...
Ambassador Trentino... his niece, Vera, After the formalities
of introducing, Trentino says:
TRENTINO
Isn't it about time for the ceremony
to begin, Mrs. Teasdale?
(Mockingly)
I do hope His Excellency won't be
late.
BOB
(Defensively)
My father makes it a point to always
be on time. As long as I've known
him, he's never been late for an
appointment.
TRENTINO
But it's two minutes of ten now.
BOB
(As music begins)
His Excellency is due To take his
station. Beginning his new
Administration... He'll make his
appearance when The clock on the
wall strikes ten.
MRS. TEASDALE
(singing)
When the clock on the wall strikes
ten All you loyal ladies and you
patriotic men Let's sing the national
anthem when... The clock on the
wall strikes ten.
The clock begins to strike the hour... one... two...
three... four...
ALL
(singing)
Hail, hail, Freedonia... Mightiest
of mighty nations! Hail, hail,
Freedonia Land of the brave and free.
This finishes on an operatic note with everybody with
outstretched hands turned toward the main door that connects
the reception hall with the outer hall.
Groucho doesn't appear and once more they all sing.
ALL
(singing)
Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the
brave and free.
Again Groucho fails to appear and they all sing once more.
ALL
Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the
brave and free.
Mrs. Teasdale exchanges an apprehensive glance with Bob.
Vera and Trentino smile.
MRS. TEASDALE
(Nervously)
I hope nothing has happened.
BOB
Mrs. Teasdale, I assure you there is
nothing to worry about. Father is
probably taking extra care in getting
into his robes of state. I'll call
him.
Bob goes over to a corner of the room and pulls a tapestried
bell cord. This rings a fire bell in Groucho's room -- and
Groucho is disclosed asleep in his canopied bed under a
mosquito netting. He has an unlighted cigar in his mouth.
The continued jangling of the fire bell awakens him from his
slumber and he rises quickly. The cigar begins to emit smoke
when he starts puffing. He hurries over to one corner of
the room where his clothes are arranged in fireman fashion,
gets into them, and then sides down a fireman's pole into
the reception hall.
The guests are singing the last two lines of the national
anthem when he arrives.
ALL
Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the
brave and free.
Groucho starts across the hall in the direction of Mrs.
Teasdale. He passes several notables, one of whom is wearing
an impressive looking medal. Groucho deprives him of it
without stopping his forward movement, and pins it on himself.
He pauses only when he is facing the principal group.
MRS. TEASDALE
(Beaming as she
addresses Groucho)
As chairwoman of the reception
committee, I welcome you and extend
the good wishes of every man, woman
and child of Freedonia. I deem it
an honor on this momentous occasion...
GROUCHO
(Interrupting)
Never mind that stuff...
He takes a pack of cards from is pocket and extends them to
Mrs. Teasdale.
GROUCHO
Take a card.
The bewildered Mrs. Teasdale complies.
Groucho puts the other fifty-one cards in his pocket.
MRS. TEASDALE
What'll I do with this card?
GROUCHO
You can keep it -- I've got a whole
pack... Now what were you saying?
MRS. TEASDALE
As chairwoman of the reception
committee, I welcome you with open
arms.
GROUCHO
How late do you stay open?
MRS. TEASDALE
In choosing you, I feel that I serve
my country well. I heartily endorse
everything you stand for.
GROUCHO
Well, I won't stand for much. And I
won't stand for you if you don't
show some improvement soon. Look at
your report card last month -- "D"
in spelling... six in behavior.
Now who were the six? A fine state
of affairs -- no wonder you can't
matriculate, now what were you saying?
MRS. TEASDALE
The future of Freedonia rests upon
you. Promise me you will follow in
my husband's footsteps.
GROUCHO
(To CAMERA)
I haven't been on the job five minutes
and already she's making advances to
me.
(To Mrs. Teasdale)
Not that I care -- but where is your
husband?
MRS. TEASDALE
(Slightly embarrassed)
Why - er -- my husband passed away...
(reverently)
I was with him to the very end.
GROUCHO
No wonder he passed away. I'd like
to be with you to the very end.
Can't you see what I'm trying to
tell you -- I love you.
MRS. TEASDALE
(Very warmly)
Your Excellency!
GROUCHO
You're not so bad yourself, Mrs.
Teasdale, when I look at you I can
see that we're facing a crisis.
We've got to balance the budget --
we've got to cut down everything
including, you.
Ambassador Trentino enters the scene.
MRS. TEASDALE
Oh... Your Excellency... I would
like to present to you... Ambassador
Verdi Trentino Of Amnesia... Having
him with us today is indeed a great
honor.
TRENTINO
(To Mrs. Teasdale,
smiling appreciatively)
Thanks... but I can't stay very long.
GROUCHO
That's even a greater honor.
TRENTINO
I bring you the greetings of my
President and the good will of my
people.
GROUCHO
I'll keep the greetings -- but you
can send back the good will... what
we need right now is twenty million
dollars.
TRENTINO
Twenty million dollars is a
considerable sum... I'll have to
discuss that with my Minister of
Finance.
GROUCHO
Well, in the meantime, could you let
me have $50 personally?
TRENTINO
(Surprised)
$50?
GROUCHO
I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll
give you Mrs. Teasdale as security.
(Throwing a glance at
Mrs. Teasdale)
or my jackknife. If you want my
advice, you'll take the jackknife...
I've a better proposition... Make
it $25 and I'll give you a first
mortgage on my son and I hope you
foreclose.
TRENTINO
(With a puzzled look
at Groucho)
Your Excellency, haven't we met
before?
GROUCHO
(Looking at Trentino)
Why yes. I met you at the dog races --
say, you could have won that race if
you tried a little harder.
Vera Trentino enters scene.
TRENTINO
Excellency, may I present my niece.
GROUCHO
Go ahead.
TRENTINO
You don't understand. This is my
niece Vera.
GROUCHO
(Throwing her a glance)
And Vera niece, too.
VERA
Your Excellency, please don't think
me silly, but I'd love to have a
picture of you. I want to hang it
in my bedroom.
GROUCHO
You couldn't hang me in your bedroom --
I'll make a note of it. Where's my
secretary?
(Looking around)
Bob (ZEPPO) enters scene.
BOB
Here I am, Father.
GROUCHO
(To Bob)
Take a letter.
BOB
(Taking out a
stenographer's pad
and pencil)
Who to?
GROUCHO
The President of the United States.
Bob writes as Groucho dictates
GROUCHO
My dear President... read it back...
BOB
(Reading from pad)
"My dear President"...
GROUCHO
That doesn't sound right... take
out "President"... now read it.
BOB
(Reading)
"My dear"...
GROUCHO
That's not right yet... put back
"President" and take out "dear"...
How does it read now?
BOB
(Reading)
"My President"...
GROUCHO
There's still something wrong with
it... take out "President" ...now
what've you got?
BOB
(Reading)
"My"...
GROUCHO
Now we're on the right track... Put
back "dear"... How does it read?
BOB
(Reading)
"My dear"...
GROUCHO
You can't say that to the President...
Put back "President"... Now let's
hear how sounds.
BOB
(Reading)
"My dear President"...
GROUCHO
That's what I wanted in the first
place. Tear it up and send it
airmail.
BOB
Is that all?
GROUCHO
Take another letter... to my tailor.
Bob takes dictation again.
GROUCHO
Dear Sir... enclosed find check for
$100. Yours very truly... Send
that immediately.
BOB
I'll have to enclose the check first.
GROUCHO
You do and I'll fire you.
Groucho glares over his shoulder at Bob to emphasize his
remark as the latter exits from the scene. Mrs. Teasdale
enters to Groucho.
MRS. TEASDALE
(To Groucho)
Your Excellency, the eyes of the
world are upon you. Notables from
every land are gathered here in your
honor --
(Indicating the guests
with a wave of her
hand)
This is a gala day for us.
GROUCHO
Well, a gal a day is enough for me.
I couldn't handle any more.
MRS. TEASDALE
If it's not asking too much --
(Recitative)
For our information just for
illustration
(Begins tune)
Tell us how you intend to run the
nation.
GROUCHO
(Singing)
These are the laws of my
administration: No one's allowed to
smoke or tell a dirty joke -- And
whistling is forbidden...
ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
We're not allowed to tell a dirty
joke HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA
GROUCHO
(Singing)
If chewing gum is chewed, The chewer
is pursued And in the hoosegow
hidden...
ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
If we should choose to chew, we'll
be pursued -
GROUCHO
If any form of pleasure is exhibited
Report to me and it will be
prohibited. I'll put my foot down;
So shall it be - This is the land of
the free. The last man nearly ruined
this place He didn't know what to do
with it. If you think this country's
bad off now Just wait 'till I get
through with it.
(Does sailor's hornpipe)
The treasury is low on dough; The
last man went and flew with it. If
you think we're short of money now
Just wait 'till I get through with
it.
(Does Highland fling)
The country's taxes must be fixed -
And I know what to do with it, If
you think you're paying too much
now, Just wait 'till I get through
with it.
(Takes flute from
inside pocket and
plays strain of Dixie)
DIGNITARY
(Singing)
In our midst you stand The ruler of
this land A man who'll govern with
an iron hand.
GROUCHO
(Singing)
If anyone gets fresh with me, I'll
show him who's the boss; I'll stand
upon my dignity, And toss him for a
loss. And this will be the penalty
For those who doublecross - We'll
stand 'em up against the wall, and
Pop goes the Weasel
ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
If you should make him cross, He'll
toss you for a loss. If anyone gets
fresh with him, He'll show him who's
the boss.
Groucho does minuet with girls as above is sung
GROUCHO
(Singing)
I will not stand for anything that's
crooked or unfair; I'm strictly on
the up and up, So everyone beware.
If anyone's caught taking graft And
I don't get my share, we'll stand
'em up against the wall - and pop
goes the weasel!
ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
So everyone beware Who's crooked or
unfair; No one must take a bit of
graft Unless he gets his share.
(Groucho dances as
above is sung)
GROUCHO
(Singing)
If any man should come between A
husband and his bride, We find out
which one she prefers By letting her
decide. If she prefers the other
man, The husband steps outside; We
stand him up against the wall And
Pop goes the Weasel!
ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
The husband steps outside;
Relinquishes his bride; We stand him
up against the wall And take him for
a ride.
(Groucho dances as
above is sung)
GROUCHO
The population must increase With
great rapidity. We give a couple
seven years To raise a family. If,
by that time, there is no branch
Upon the family tree, we stand 'em
up against the wall - and Pop goes
the Weasel.
Groucho does a dance with Mrs. Teasdale who joins him
reluctantly and registers embarrassment as dance continues.
He might finish dance in her arms, looking tenderly at her
as she beams down at him.
MRS. TEASDALE
(As she beams on him)
You've made a wonderful impression.
Your views are liberal... It is easy
to see you have an open mind.
GROUCHO
That's what I get for dressing in a
hurry.
MRS. TEASDALE
Your Excellency, you mustn't forget
your appointment at the House of
Representatives... Have you got your
speech ready?
GROUCHO
I wrote a speech last night that'll
knock them off their seats...
(He takes a paper
from inside pocket
as he says above...
then reads from paper)
Four score and seven years ago, our
fathers brought forth on this
continent a new nation --
MRS. TEASDALE
Why, that's the speech that Lincoln
made at Gettysburg...
GROUCHO
(With a look of great
surprise)
He did?... I told my son not to leave
it laying around... Where is son?
Bob enters
BOB
Here I am, Father...
GROUCHO
Send for my car...
BOB
(Calling to servant
off scene)
His Excellency's car!
This is repeated by a servant's voice off scene...
A servant enters to Groucho, bearing his high silk hat.
He bows low as he hands it to Groucho... Groucho takes hat,
removes a white rabbit, hands it back to servant, dons his
hat and with a swanky gesture exits... again we hear a
servant's voice calling: "His Excellency's car"...
We see the trumpeters at the top of the steps of the mansion,
outside, standing at attention... their trumpets at their
sides...
From inside comes the voice of a servant calling "His
Excellency's car"...
The trumpeters click their heels, draw themselves erect, put
the trumpets to their mouths and blow a fanfare to summon
the car...
We cut to the Exterior of the Dictator's garage. This is a
pretentious affair. In central foreground a wall, in the
center of which is a large wrought-iron double gate. On
each side of the gate is a crest or design in relief. Also
two liveried guards stand erect before the gate. A trumpeter
on the wall above. Through the gate we see the patio and
suggestions of the garage. Two or three high-class cars in
background identify the garage.
At the beginning of the scene, we hear finish of trumpeter's
call. Instantly the two guards move to the center of the
gates and call through the bars -
GUARDS
(In unison)
His Excellency's car!
Almost instantly there is a terrific roar of motors on the
other side of the wall. The two guards open gates moving in
military manner. Immediately the gates are wide open, Harpo
appears on his motorcycle, that carries a side car.
The motorcycle is decorated... perhaps a crest in relief on
the side of the car... a thin staff, about four or five
feet high is fastened to the handle bars... As Harpo rides
along, he hoists the Freedonian flag to the staff. Further
along the road he hits a man... he looks behind to see what
damage he's done, but continues riding... A CUT BACK to the
man shows that he is lying prostrate on the ground.
We CUT BACK to Harpo, who is just getting off motorcycle...
he takes another look back at the man, lowers the flag to
half-mast, takes bugle, which is hanging on his car and blows
a few bars of taps... he mounts motorcycle again and starts
off...
CUT TO top of mansion steps as Groucho comes from mansion...
the two guards standing stiffly erect, form a seat by crossing
hands... Groucho sits on the seat made by their hands, puts
his arms around their shoulders and they carry him down
stairs... as fast as they can.
CUT TO Harpo arriving in front of mansion just as Groucho,
carried by the men, moves into the scene. Groucho gets into
the side-car... and in Napoleonic manner says to Harpo:
GROUCHO
To the House of Representatives...
ride like fury... Don't stop for any
signals and don't wait for a corner
to make a turn... see if you can
break a record...
Harpo takes a phonograph record and smashes it on the
ground... there is a roar of the motor -- the motorcycle
starts off but leaves the side-car.
Groucho gets out of side-car... starts back to steps, stops
and says:
GROUCHO
A fine thing -- leaving the head of
the nation at the foot of the
stairs...
As he dashes up the stairs, we CUT TO Harpo... riding along...
A very attractive girl is coming along in the opposite
direction. As she approaches Harpo, he toots his horn to
attract her attention, she throws him a indignant look and
continues on down the street. Harpo turns his motorcycle
around and starts after her. She looks around, sees Harpo
pursuing and breaks into a run... CUT BACK to Harpo following
her, putting on speed... he lowers the Freedonian flag and
simultaneously raises a pirate flag -- with skull and cross-
bones on it, displayed prominently. A motorcycle cop is
parked on the corner waiting for prospective violators...
he sees Harpo chasing the girl and quickly starts his motor
and follows in pursuit...
The girl, as she reaches the executive mansion, rushes up
the stairs in an effort to escape. Harpo comes into the
scene and rides up the stairs after her... As Harpo gets
about half way up the stairs the motorcycle cop is seen
approaching the mansion.
CUT TO reception room of mansion as the girl is running madly
through the room... a moment later we see Harpo on his bike
following... there is panic among the guests. Then we see
the girl tearing up the stairs leading to the circular
balcony...
CUT BACK to Harpo. He looks behind him as he rides and sees
the motorcycle cop following on his bike. On the balcony
above, the girl is running, with an occasional glance over
her shoulder as she runs out of scene... Harpo rides into
scene. This time he is bent over his handle-bars in the
manner of a six day bicycle rider... following closely behind
him rides the motorcycle cop. They circle the mezzanine...
Harpo in the lead, looking back now and then over his shoulder
at his pursuer... this is done in imitation of a six day
bicycle race... The motorcycle cop is closing in on Harpo...
the latter approaching a large open door, rides through the
opening, but the cop continues on around the balcony... as
he gets to the opposite side of the circular balcony he passes
another open doorway. Harpo comes riding out of it and is
now in pursuit of the cop...
CUT down stairs to Groucho... One hand is upraised holding a
gun. As he looks at a wrist watch, he fires gun, then
addresses guests looking into CAMERA.
GROUCHO
That concludes the nine o'clock
sprints... Next Saturday night the
winner of the six day bicycle race
will receive ten thousand dollars in
gold... the following morning we go
off the gold standard...
CUT BACK to balcony... Harpo is passing the cop... He holds
up his hand for the cop to stop... they both come to a halt...
Harpo gets off his motorcycle, walks over angrily to cop,
takes out his book, writes out a summons and hands it to the
cop as we FADE OUT...
END OF SEQUENCE "A"
SEQUENCE "B"
FADE IN on interior of Freedonian House of Representatives.
This interior although not a replica of our own House of
Representatives, should be close enough technically to sell
the idea... Each seat is occupied by an officious-looking
dignitary. On the platform are a few desks... perhaps a
pulpit which Groucho uses when he arrives... The one to the
right is the court stenographer's desk, occupied by Bob
Firefly. He takes notes as the meeting progresses.
Throughout the House runs a ripple of excitement, which is
stopped by the rapping of the gavel by the Speaker of the
House.
SPEAKER
Gentlemen, gentlemen, remember for
forty-six years we have enjoyed the
friendship of Amnesia, so ably
represented by Ambassador Trentino.
(Indicating the
Ambassador who is
present)
We owe it to ourselves to listen to
what he has to say...
Trentino takes the floor
TRENTINO
Gentlemen, while I admit it is unusual
for a representative of one country
to advise the legislative body of
another, I assure you that I have
the interest of Freedonia at heart
...
(Deferential applause)
We have lent you money in the past --
we are willing to lend you money
again -- but, we cannot do it if
your leader is allowed by you, to
carry out his ridiculous proposals...
In self-protection it is my --
Bob rises to interrupt
BOB
I object!... we have no right to
discuss this matter in the absence
of my father.
SPEAKER
(To House)
We have been meeting every morning
for eight days and not once has His
Excellency been on time...
TRENTINO
(Looking at his watch)
Gentlemen, I cannot wait much
longer...
SPEAKER
(To Bob)
Would you mind calling your father
again?
Bob presses a button, either on desk or wall...
CUT TO - the corner of Groucho's bedroom, showing fireman's
pole. The sound of the clanging bell is heard over scene.
Groucho hurries into scene, fully clad but for his coat which
he has on his arm... without waiting to don his coat he slides
down the pole. We pick him up finishing the slide down the
pole into the House of Representatives. As he arrives the
members are on their feet singing the last four bars of the
national anthem.
MEMBERS
(Singing)
HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Land of the
brave and free...
Groucho hurries toward Speaker's desk, putting on his coat
as he goes... Just as he reaches the desk the singing
subsides. Groucho turns to the body of men and looks off in
the direction of one of the representatives.
GROUCHO
(Pointing toward the
individual off scene)
The Secretary of Agriculture was a
little flat...
(He takes a match and
scratches it across
the top of the desk
to light his cigar...
takes a few puffs,
then raps the gavel.)
I move we open the morning session...
Has anybody got a cork screw?
(Looking out and around
at members)
[page missing]
GROUCHO
What's to stop you from digging one...
And after you dig a river, how're ya
gonna cross it without a bridge...?
We've got to have a bridge to stop
people from going places -- then
we've gotta stop them from coming
back. If you're worried about the
expense we can have a bridge with
only one end -- and if that's a
success we can do away with it
altogether. I'm telling you that
what this country needs is --
Off scene we hear Chico's voice singing "P-E-A-N-U-T-S"...
this is followed by the piping of a whistle playing the first
strain of the PEANUT VENDOR...
Groucho listens, annoyed and then continues
GROUCHO
If there's one thing we don't need
right now -- it's peanuts --
gentlemen, what good is a bridge if
you haven't got ammunition to blow
it up... ammunition was never
cheaper... Right now, you can get
two cannons for the price of one and
shoot twice as far for half the
money... With every five thousand
dollar purchase we throw in a Big
Bertha... If you don't like her, you
can throw her right out again. I
tell you no country can protect itself
without --
Again Chico's voice comes over scene singing "P-E-A-N-U-T-
S"... The whistling of the first strain of song - the PEANUT
VENDOR is heard again
SPEAKER
I'm sorry your Excellency, it is
that infernal peanut vendor
Chicolini... How can we accomplish
anything with that constant annoyance?
TRENTINO
Your Excellency - are we or are we
not going to discuss this problem -
my time is valuable - I'm a man of
few words -
GROUCHO
I'm a man of one word... SCRAM!!!
Trentino exits resentfully
GROUCHO
(To Bob - aroused)
Go out and chase that peanut vendor
away from the building -- Get rid of
him if you have to use violence - if
necessary call out the militia and
if he isn't looking get me a bag of
peanuts.
BOB
I've tried to chase him but it's no
use - he won't go -
GROUCHO
He won't eh? - We'll see about that -
send for your father immediately.
BOB
But you're my father -
GROUCHO
Never mind then, I'll get in touch
with him myself -
CUT OUTSIDE to Chico standing by his peanut stand which has
a whistle on it conspicuously displayed -
CHICO
(Singing loudly)
"P-E-A-N-U-T-S"
CLOSE UP of whistle piping tune of "PEANUT VENDOR" - Trentino
enters to Chico -
CHICO
(To Trentino)
How'm I doing, boss?
TRENTINO
Fine - keep on yelling - Do everything
you can to disturb Firefly - Now
what about your cousin?
CHICO
He's working very hard - I got him a
job driving Firefly's car - He's-a
driving him crazy and I'm driving
him nuts - P-E-A-N-U-T-S
Singing even louder than before - Trentino smirks approvingly
and exits - the whistling of the tune following as we CUT
inside to Groucho - and the well-known vamp of the "Peanut
Vendor" is heard coming over scene with orchestra
accompaniment...
GROUCHO
(Glaring angrily at
window)
I'll get rid of that pest - watch me --
He walks determinedly in direction of window and breaks into
a rhumba - with hands on hips - dipping to ground a la Spanish
dancer... as he reaches window we CUT outside. Groucho is
seen in the window - which is on the ground floor - Chico is
by his peanut stand.
GROUCHO
(To Chico - angrily)
Hey you!!
CHICO
All right -
Chico takes bag of peanuts from stand - throws it to Groucho -
The latter catches bag and throws Chico a dime - then starts
to eat the peanuts.
GROUCHO
Have you got a license?
CHICO
No, but my dog he's a got millions
of them --
GROUCHO
(Munching peanuts as
Chico walks over and
stands under window)
What kind of a dog is he?
CHICO
He used to be a bloodhound but he's
anemic --
GROUCHO
Well - what is he now?
CHICO
He's half poodle and half watch dog -
GROUCHO
Half watch dog?
CHICO
Yeh, he's only got one eye.
GROUCHO
I don't know much about dogs but you
ought to be on the end of a leash -
a ninety-nine year leash -
(Gives him a look of
disgust)
Look - what do you call your dog?
CHICO
I don't call him, I whistle.
GROUCHO
What do you whistle?
CHICO
Yankee Poodle.
GROUCHO
I've got just the place for a man
like you but I'm too busy right now
to do any digging. What do you call
your dog when you want him?
CHICO
I don't want him.
GROUCHO
Well, if you don't want your dog why
don't you put him in a pound?
CHICO
He only weighs ten ounces --
GROUCHO
I can use you in the House of
Representatives. We need a man who
understands dogs -- and that's where
this country is going to. Step
inside.
Groucho turns and disappears from the window - CUT INSIDE of
House of Representatives
GROUCHO
(To Bob)
In case of fire, how long will it
take to empty this place?
BOB
(After a moment's
thought)
About - thirty-four seconds.
GROUCHO
We'll start a fire --
(Indicating
representatives)
-- and get rid of these microbes.
Groucho exits towards door leading into his private office.
CUT to inside of private office which has another door leading
to a hallway, and among other articles of furniture, there
is an impressive-looking desk on which is a telephone. Just
as Groucho comes through the door into his office, Chico
enters through the other door. He is wearing gauntlets,
reaching half way up his arms. As they walk toward each
other the telephone rings and the two men make a mad dash
for the telephone on the desk. Chico beats Groucho to the
phone, picks up the receiver.
CHICO
(At telephone)
Hello!... Yes... Yes... He's not
in...
Chico hangs up receiver and turns to Groucho who is waiting
impatiently
CHICO
That was for you.
GROUCHO
I'm sorry I'm not in. I wanted to
have a long talk with you... Now
look here, my good man, you've got
to stop yelling "peanuts" in front
of the House of Representatives.
CHICO
Oh no, I can't do it.
GROUCHO
You don't want to be a public
nuisance, do you?
CHICO
Sure. How much does the job pay?
(or)
Sure, if there's a chance for
advancement.
GROUCHO
You wouldn't consider going over
Niagara Falls without a barrel?
CHICO
'At's-a no good. I went to Niagara
Falls once.
GROUCHO
Did you shoot the rapids?
CHICO
No, but I shot some ducks.
GROUCHO
If there was an open season for
fellows like you, I'd get myself a
hunting license. Anyway, I'm going
to make you a sporting proposition.
You give up the peanut stand and
I'll make you vice-president of the
country.
CHICO
Oh, no -- nothing doing. I had a
brother who was a vice-president
once and that's the last we ever
heard of him.
GROUCHO
Well, maybe he's still the vice-
president. Now if I were to offer
you --
Telephone bell rings. The two men turn and run for the
telephone. Again Chico gets there first. Groucho stands by
exasperated while Chico talks to the party on the other end
of the line
CHICO
(To telephone)
Hello... Yes... No, not yet... All
right... Goodbye.
(Hangs up receiver -
then says to Groucho)
That was for you again. He wants
you to call him up as soon as you
get back.
GROUCHO
I don't know what's keeping me. I
should've been here a long time ago.
Now how about my proposition?
CHICO
What other job you got?
GROUCHO
Let's see -- What've I got in my
cabinet besides mice --
(Stops to think -
then very
enthusiastically)
I've got it -- how would you like to
be Secretary of the Interior?
CHICO
That's no good. I like to work on
the outside. I must have something
easy.
GROUCHO
Then you don't wanna work hard?
CHICO
I don't wanna work at all.
GROUCHO
In that case you'll have to take a
civil service examination -- if you
pass I'll put you in the post-office --
stick out your tongue.
CHICO
I don't wanna stick out my tongue.
GROUCHO
Well, if you wanna work in the post-
office you'll have to stick out your
tongue.
CHICO
Look, I'm a very nervous man. I
gotta have a job where I come to
work at eleven -- go to lunch at
twelve -- and quit at one. And twice
a year I gotta have a six month
vacation.
GROUCHO
I've got just the job for you --
Secretary of War.
CHICO
'At's-a fine.
Telephone bell rings. They both make a dash for the
telephone, but Harpo rushes in through hallway door and
reaches the phone first. Harpo picks up through telephone
receiver, listens to conversation on the other end with an
occasional nod and shake of the head. As he listens, he
scribbles message on a piece of paper. He holds the written
message up to the telephone receiver for a moment, then writes
a few more words on the paper. During this, Chico and Groucho
stand by, terribly worried. Finally Harpo hangs up the
receiver and exits, tearing up the paper
GROUCHO
(After a moment's
glance at Harpo)
You know, I'd be lost without a
telephone. Now - where were we?
Oh, yes - I just made you Secretary
of War. The first thing you do is
buy ammunition -- you buy it from me
and I get 10% commission.
CHICO
What do I get?
GROUCHO
You get half mine and I get half
yours.
CHICO
I don't want to buy ammunition -- we
no gotta war.
GROUCHO
Then we've gotta start one. Do you
know how to start a war?
CHICO
Sure, that's easy. You gotta insult
somebody.
Groucho suddenly slaps Chico across the face with his gloves,
then as quickly brings to light a card which he presents to
Chico in the professional manner of an experienced duelist
GROUCHO
My card.
CHICO
(Laughing)
That's a-no good. You gotta insult
somebody from another country. Look --
(Puts his large gloves
on the desk)
I come from one country. You come
from another country. I say something
you don't like. You say something I
don't like - and I'm insulted.
GROUCHO
Why wasn't I insulted?
CHICO
You was insulted, but you don't know
it.
GROUCHO
(Indignantly)
Then I demand an apology!
CHICO
That's a-no good. If I apologize we
no got a war. Look -- I send you a
scrap of paper. You send me a scrap
of paper -- and we have a scrap.
GROUCHO
You've got a brain after all - and
how you get along without it is
amazing to me -- Now, who can I
insult?... Who do we owe money to?...
(Enthusiastically)
AMBASSADOR TRENTINO! How about him?
CHICO
He's-a very easy to insult -- I say
something to his niece once, and he
slapped my face.
GROUCHO
Why didn't his niece slap your face?
CHICO
She did.
GROUCHO
What did you say to her?
Chico whispers in Groucho's ear -- Groucho gives him an
indignant look
GROUCHO
You're lucky I don't slap your face --
you oughtta be ashamed of yourself.
Where did you hear that story?
CHICO
You told it to me.
GROUCHO
(Puzzled for a moment)
Oh, yes, I remember -- and I should
have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face
when she told it to me... I'm going
right out and find Trentino. You go
right out and get yourself an army.
Chico turns to go - Groucho stops him
GROUCHO
Wait a minute. What kind of an army
do you think we oughtta have?
CHICO
I think we oughtta have a standing
army, so we can save money on chairs.
At this point Chico is at the door and exits - Groucho slams
the door right in his face - then he walks over to the desk
and sees the larger gauntlets. He takes a swing with his
own gloves, then takes a hefty swing with the gauntlet. He
leaves his own gloves on the desk and exits with the gauntlets
in is hand.
CUT outside. Harpo is just pulling up to the curb in front
of the House of Representatives, in his motorcycle and side
car. Groucho comes from the building wearing gauntlets,
gets into the side car and with a dignified wave of his hand,
says:
GROUCHO
To Mrs. Teasdale's residence!
The motorcycle speeds out of the scene, leaving the side car
behind.
GROUCHO
This is the fifth trip I've made
today and I haven't been anywhere
yet.
And, as he gets out of the side car and starts to go back
into the building, the scene
FADES OUT
END OF SEQUENCE "B"
SEQUENCE "C"
FADE IN to garden party. This is an afternoon tea in the
garden of the Teasdale estate. Spotted in the set-up are
innumerable colorful umbrellas, under which are tea tables.
The guests include the notables we saw in the mansion in the
first sequence. The only two people absent are Ambassador
Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale. Vera Trentino is seated at one
of the tables and her presence is established there in the
opening shot. Music is heard over the scene and should be
continued through the scene as if being played by an orchestra
on the premises. Suddenly the chatter ceases as the following
announcement is heard coming over scene.
GUARD'S VOICE
(From off scene)
His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly!
All eyes turn toward those off scene and everyone rises to
sing the last four bars of the national anthem.
Cut to the gateway leading into the garden... a servant on
each side of the gate, as Groucho jauntily strides through
the gate, swinging the unusually large gauntlets...
GUESTS
(Singing)
HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Land of the
brave and free...
Groucho hands his high silk hat to one of the guards and
starts down the walk among the guests. From his attitude it
is evident that he is intent on finding Ambassador Trentino.
Suddenly he stops, having seen something of interest off
scene. The following dialogue comes over the scene.
TRENTINO'S VOICE
Can't you see, Gloria, our marriage
would not only unite two great
families...
CUT TO Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale in a quiet corner of the
garden -- both are at a tea table. This shot leaves Groucho
out.
TRENTINO
(Continuing)
...but would further cement the
relations of our countries.
MRS. TEASDALE
(Fluttering with
excitement)
Ambassador Trentino, I am indeed
honored...
(Falteringly)
But you see - well - I --
TRENTINO
(Repressing his anger -
coldly)
Oh. Then there his somebody else?
MRS. TEASDALE
Well no -- not exactly -- but --
TRENTINO
(Impatiently)
Gloria -- I've waited for years. I
won't be put off! I love you! I
want you!
(Taking her hand
pleadingly)
Can't you see that I'm at your feet?
Groucho enters the scene.
GROUCHO
(To Trentino)
When you get through with her feet,
you can start on mine. I haven't
been to a chiropodist in two years...
(To CAMERA)
If that's not an insult, I don't
know what is.
(Turns to Gloria)
Gloria, I love you. I --
TRENTINO
(Furious, to Gloria)
Can't we go some place where we can
be alone?
GROUCHO
(To Mrs. Teasdale)
What can this mug offer you? Wealth
and family. I can't give you
wealth...
(Archly lifting his
eyebrow)
...but we can have a little family
of our own.
MRS. TEASDALE
(Coyly)
Oh, Rufus!
GROUCHO
All I can offer you is a Rufus over
your head.
MRS. TEASDALE
(Happily confused)
Oh, Your Excellency, I don't know
what to say.
GROUCHO
I wouldn't know what to say either
if I was in your place.
(Turning to Trentino)
Maybe you can suggest something.
TRENTINO
(Hotly)
This has gone far enough! This
interruption is humiliating, to say
the least...
GROUCHO
Well, why not say the least and get
it over with?
MRS. TEASDALE
(Fearful)
Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
TRENTINO
(Half addressing Mrs.
Teasdale)
I didn't come here to be insulted.
GROUCHO
That's what you think.
TRENTINO
(Furiously)
You swine!
GROUCHO
Give me that again!
TRENTINO
You worm!
GROUCHO
Once more!
(Holds his gauntlets
in his hand, ready
at any moment to
strike)
TRENTINO
You upstart!
GROUCHO
That's it! No man lives who can
call a Firefly an upstart.
Without further ado, Groucho strikes Trentino across the
face with his gauntlets. Then he quickly flashes his card
and extends it to Trentino in the manner of a duelist.
GROUCHO
(As he offers the
card)
Touché.
A sudden ripple of excitement as the guests, attracted by
the rumpus begin to move into the scene. Prominent among
these is Vera Trentino. Trentino refuses Groucho's card,
white with rage.
TRENTINO
(Coldly)
I shall report this indignity the my
President.
(To Mrs. Teasdale -
polite but firm)
Mrs. Teasdale, I feel this
regrettable occurrence will plunge
our countries into war.
MRS. TEASDALE
(Half crying)
This is terrible!
VERA
Uncle, you can't do this!
TRENTINO
(Politely)
My dear niece -- I must ask you not
to interfere. War is not a woman's
problem.
VERA
(Rising angrily)
It is every woman's problem. Who
supplies the sons? -- the brothers? --
the husbands? Who...
GROUCHO
(To Vera --
interrupting)
You keep that up and you'll crab the
whole war.
VERA
Carry out this tragic folly if you
will -- But I for one will not be a
part of it.
(She winks at Trentino)
I will stay here in Freedonia.
TRENTINO
(As a faint smile of
understanding vanishes
from his face)
Very well then, if that's how you
feel about it --
(suggestive shrug of
his shoulders)
My country has spoken.
He turns on his heel as if about to leave. Groucho stops
him
GROUCHO
Then it's war?
TRENTINO
(Stiffly)
Yes.
GROUCHO
How're ya fixed for ammunition?
TRENTINO
Bah!!
(Waves Groucho aside
and exits)
GROUCHO
(Dramatically)
THEN IT'S WAR!
SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta
GROUCHO
THEN IT'S WAR!
SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta
GROUCHO
GATHER THE FORCES!
SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta
GROUCHO
HARNESS THE HORSES!
SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta
GROUCHO
THEN IT'S WAR!
The above lies are spoken in meter and each line is punctuated
by the staccato notes of the trumpet. Groucho makes a
military exit from scene in time to the music, which goes
into a military march. As Groucho reaches the gate, the
guard hands him his high silk hat. Groucho takes the hat --
removes a white rabbit from it -- hands it to the guard --
as he exits through gate.
DISSOLVE.
END OF SEQUENCE "C"
SEQUENCE "D"
INSERT of newspaper. The newspaper moves up to CAMERA from
background -- as it stops we read the following headlines:
"ARMIES MOBILIZE AS WAR CLOUDS GATHER!"
Through this insert we get the vague impression of war
activity. We see the movement of soldiers' feet. From the
background the second insert moves up to CAMERA...
The first insert moves past CAMERA and the second insert
comes from the background. The headline reads:
"AMNESIA HASTENS PREPARATIONS!"
Through this insert we see the heavy wheels of army wagons
moving along. This is replaced by the the insert coming
from the background. The headlines read -
"FREEDONIA'S LEADER MAINTAINS ATTITUDE OF DIGNIFIED SILENCE!"
Bombing planes move through this insert. The front page of
the paper is turned and followed by a few other pages until
we come to the classified ad section of the paper. We see
the following advertisement:
WANTED: - A female spy.
Must be young and attractive Apply to Office of Secretary of
War.
Above this ad we just see a few lines of another ad --
WANTED: -- A Chauffeur Below the war nurse ad we see part of
another ad in which a cook is wanted.
DISSOLVE TO
A SHOT (in movement) of a row of shapely legs, obviously
those of very pretty girls. The CAMERA moves upward
disclosing the faces of the girls, who are sitting in a row
in the ante-room of the Secretary of War's office. On the
door leading to the Secretary's private office, we see the
lettering: PRIVATE. The CAMERA discloses only four or five
of these girls, but we know there are more in the room. Bob
appears in the doorway leading to the Secretary's office and
addresses the first girl - nearest the door.
BOB
The Secretary of War will see you
next, Miss.
This girl is very pretty and has a very attractive form.
She smiles at Bob, rises and exits into the Secretary's
office. Bob closes the door behind her. The CAMERA now
moves along the row of girls and the sixth or seventh girl
in the row is Harpo, dressed as a girl. On the other side
of him are more girls. A girl to the right of him turns to
the girl beside her.
GIRL
(To the girl at her
right)
Did you hear the one about the woman
taking a bath?... Well, she forgot
to lock the door... A man came in
and said, "I'm a doctor"... The woman
said, "I'm not sick"... and the man
said, "that's all right. I'm not a
doctor."
All of the girls laugh heartily at at this remark.
Harpo is laughing also. He slaps the story-teller on the
leg.
Her laughter ceases instantly. She slaps him back, and gets
another slap on the leg in return. A little squeal of pain
from her and she raises her dress disclosing a bruise on her
leg just above the knee.
GIRL
(To Harpo)
Look!
Harpo does so, then pulls up his own dress and points to his
leg for her to look. On his leg is tattooed a picture of
two hearts entwined with an arrow running through both. She
gives Harpo dirty look and rises
CUT TO
Private office of Secretary of War. The office is cluttered
with war implements, maps, etc. The examination of the girl
is in progress. She is turning around in the manner of a
clothes model. Chico is looking her over.
CHICO
(To girl)
You look pretty good to me - but
very still need a spy - Have you got
any credentials?
The girl nods and pulls her dress up above her knees revealing
an attractive leg. She reaches into her stocking for a paper.
CHICO
(Taking a very good
look)
You got credentials all right.
The girl drops her skirt and hands the paper to Chico. Chico
looks at the paper
CHICO
This is fine. Put it back.
Hands the girl the paper. She lifts her dress above her
knees again and puts the paper back in her stocking, while
Chico looks on. She drops her skirt.
CHICO
I think I better take another look
at that paper...
She lifts the skirt again to get the paper, while Chico steals
another glance. The girl drops her skirt and hands him the
paper.
CHICO
(Looking at the paper)
I look this over later -- now I look
you over. If you want to be a spy,
you gotta be in good condition. I
better examine you.
He takes stethoscope from his pocket, applies it to her heart
and listens.
CHICO
(Listening to girl's
heart beat)
There's something wrong -- I think
I'm getting Whiteman's band.
Puts stethoscope back in his pocket and takes watch from
vest pocket. He feels her pulse while looking at the watch.
CHICO
According to my watch it's four
o'clock.
(Puts watch back in
his pocket)
Now look -- a woman spy is a-gotta
make love to men. Come on -- let's
see you make love...
She walks over to him and lovingly strokes his hair, puts
both arms around him, then suddenly becomes very amorous,
bends him over and kisses him madly. She lets go after a
little while and Chico comes up for air. He staggers around
in a daze. Then he takes the watch from his vest pocket,
hands it to her, extends his wrist and says:
CHICO
Now you feel my pulse.
Suddenly the screaming of girls is heard coming from the
anteroom, and we cut to the anteroom in the midst of
confusion. The girls are running helter-skelter, one or two
of them are standing on chairs with their skirts lifted above
their knees. There is a little white mouse running about
the room.
Harpo is sitting innocently on the bench. The girl just
interviewed by Chico comes from the office, sees the mouse,
screams and joins in the general confusion. Groucho enters
as the girls are running about - zig-zags among them and
continues through the room into the private office of Chico -
closing door behind him. The girls clear out of anteroom and
Harpo is left all alone. He takes a small mouse trap from
his large pocketbook, puts it on the floor, crouches down
and whistles to the mouse in the manner of a man trying to
call a dog. The mouse in answer to the whistle runs into
the trap.
CUT TO
The Secretary of War's office. Chico at the phone.
CHICO
(To phone)
Send in the next girl.
(He hangs receiver up)
GROUCHO
By the way, are you sure we need a
spy?
CHICO
Sure, we gotta have a spy. If we no
got a spy who's gonna tell the other
side what we're doing?
At this point, Harpo makes his entrance through the door,
carrying his unusually large pocketbook which is about the
size of a carpetbag. He walks past Groucho in a seductive
manner, swinging his bag and rolling his eyes flirtatiously.
Groucho is delighted with this action and returns the ogling.
CHICO
(To Harpo)
Have you got any credentials?
Harpo lifts his dress and shows them the tattoo on his leg
of the two hearts. Groucho examines it closely.
GROUCHO
I don't go in much for modern art.
Have you got anything by one of the
old masters?
Harpo lifts his dress above the other leg and shows a picture
of Gainsborough's "Blue Boy". Chico and Groucho arise from
the examination.
GROUCHO
I'm glad I didn't ask you for
"Washington Crossing the Delaware".
CHICO
(To Harpo)
We've gotta have somebody who knows
how to get secrets from men. You
know how to make love?
Harpo walks over to Chico, throws his arms around him and
starts to give him a big hug. He squeezes him very hard. In
the midst of this there is a loud report.
A startled look from Groucho and Chico. We see that Harpo
is minus one breast. He tries to affect an innocent look
when suddenly there is a second loud report and his breasts
are now as flat as a billiard table.
Just as he turns to hide the sight from Chico and Groucho, a
hissing sound is heard -- the air is leaking out of his bustle
and the bustle is becoming deflated.)
GROUCHO
(To Harpo)
You ought to carry a spare.
Harpo goes to a corner of the room and keeps his back to
CAMERA. He takes a tube out of his dress front and begins
to blow. Chico and Groucho wear a puzzled look as they watch
him - the bustle starts to expand.
This inflation continues to gigantic proportions as they
look on.
GROUCHO
(Looking at Harpo)
We're certainly living in a marvelous
age.
There is a terrific explosion and all of Harpo's clothes are
blown off him - leaving him in nothing but running pants and
ladies' silk stockings. His body is literally covered with
tattoos.
CHICO
(Laughing)
That's very funny... he certainly
fooled me. He'll make a good spy.
Winks significantly at Harpo. Harpo returns the wink.
GROUCHO
(Examining tattoos)
If we can't use him as a spy, we can
have him framed.
He and Chico continue further examination of the tattooed
designs on Harpo's body.
CHICO
Say, that's a nice collection. You
oughta have a catalogue.
Harpo pulls a catalogue from under the belt of his trunks
and hands it to Chico. Groucho and Chico look at the
catalogue.
GROUCHO
Let's take a look at number eighteen.
Harpo reveals more of his back and shows a superb tattooed
job of a beautiful girl's head.
CHICO
(Referring to picture
of girl)
Say, she's all right. You got-a her
phone number?
Harpo raises one arm and shows the phone number tattooed
right under the arm pit. He holds this a moment, then turns
and discloses a portion of the tattooing on his chest.
Groucho and Chico's eyes shift from the telephone number to
the tattooed picture on his chest. Harpo completes move and
discloses the entire picture. It is a country back-house
with a crescent over the door. Chico laughs uproariously.
CHICO
(Laughing)
That's a funny one!
He slaps Harpo an the back good-naturedly.
TRICK SHOT on HARPO'S CHEST. The door in the outhouse flies
open. The head of a real man appears in the opening. He
looks off in the direction of Chico and mumbles incoherencies
under his breath.
He is terribly angry at being interrupted. He draws in his
head, closing the door behind him.
CHICO
(To Harpo)
I think we can use you. Here's a
spy glass... go ahead and do some
spying...
Harpo takes the glasses and goes directly toward the window.
As he looks across street through binoculars, he is grinning
all over and wiggling around like a happy kid.
ROOM ACROSS THE STREET
Looking into the open window of a bedroom as Harpo would see
it through the binoculars. A beautiful girl is undressing,
preparing to retire. After a moment of this shot CUT BACK
to Harpo looking through the binoculars. Chico takes the
binoculars from Harpo and pushes him out of the scene,
proceeds to look himself. He registers the same satisfaction
as Harpo and hands the binoculars to Groucho. As Groucho
looks through the binoculars at the beautiful girl, Chico
says:
CHICO
He's going to make a good spy...
that's not bad for the first day.
GROUCHO
(Turning and looking
at Chico)
That's not bad for any day.
Groucho takes a second look through the binoculars at the
beautiful girl. This time he sees Harpo chasing the girl
around the roam. This is shot through the binoculars as
before. Groucho registers amazement as he looks through
binoculars; perhaps squints his eyes once or twice and takes
second look.
GROUCHO
(To Chico)
Maybe my eyes are bad - you take a
look.
Chico takes the binoculars and looks at the room across the
street. Binocular shot as before. The girl is in her
underwear, tearing out of the room into the hall, pursued by
Harpo. Chico is still looking through the binoculars.
GROUCHO
You're right about that guy -- I
think we've got something.
CHICO
I don't know about us, but I know
he's-a got something...
CUT TO the front of the building occupied by the beautiful
girl. She comes dashing madly out of the door and starts
down the street, clad only in her underwear. Harpo appears
in doorway, riding his motorcycle and starts down the street
after her.
FADE OUT
END OF SEQUENCE "D"
SEQUENCE "E"
FADE IN to living room of Mrs. Teasdale's home... It is a
smartly appointed room. Its main feature for our purposes
is a winding stairway leading to bedrooms above.
In the absence of Mrs. Teasdale, Vera is seated by fireplace
while Ambassador Trentino is excitedly pacing up and down...
TRENTINO
This is all Firefly's fault -- that
idiot, that fool...
VERA
I thought everything was working out
fine.
TRENTINO
Fine nothing! I didn't want war...
My plan was to marry Mrs. Teasdale
and overthrow Firefly.
VERA
Maybe you can still win the old dame
over -- why not try to --
At this point Trentino sees Mrs. Teasdale coming downstairs
and hushes Vera with a nudge.
MRS. TEASDALE
(As she descends stairs)
I'm so sorry I've kept you waiting...
Trentino walks over to meet her.
TRENTINO
(Taking her hand)
Mrs. Teasdale...
(Kisses her hand)
I deeply regret the unfortunate affair
with his Excellency, but his attitude
left me no alternative...
MRS. TEASDALE
(Emotionally)
To think that this should happen
after all these years of friendship.
VERA
Maybe the war can still be averted...
MRS. TEASDALE
(Hopefully)
Oh, if only it could...
TRENTINO
Mrs. Teasdale, I'm willing to pocket
my pride and do anything I can to
make up with his Excellency.
MRS. TEASDALE
(Solicitously)
Oh, would you...?
TRENTINO
For you, I would do anything...
(Bowing graciously)
VERA
If only we can get his Excellency to
listen to reason...
TRENTINO
(To Mrs. Teasdale)
Perhaps he will listen to you...
MRS. TEASDALE
Perhaps... I'll call him...
She goes the phone... as she starts to dial the number there
is a quick CUT to Trentino and Vera who are exchanging
significant looks...
CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone...
MRS. TEASDALE
(Talking into phone)
Hello, your Excellency?... I hate
to disturb you -- I know you're a
very busy man, but I must see you at
once.
CUT TO Groucho at other end of telephone... He is lying in
bed, in his flannel nightgown, eating crackers... the bed
is strewn with cracker boxes and crackers...
GROUCHO
(Into phone)
Why not come over here? -- You can
come in the back way and no one'll
see you...
CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone.
MRS. TEASDALE
(Into phone)
But your Excellency, you must -- oh
thank you -- please hurry...
(She hangs up phone...
and walks over to
her guests)
He'll be right over...
CUT TO corner of room (Mrs. Teasdale's living room),
disclosing for the first time the fireman's pole... Groucho
comes sliding down the pole in his nightgown, with a long
box of crackers under his arm... stops about three feet from
the floor, looks around the room and sees Trentino.
GROUCHO
(Hanging on to pole --
addressing Trentino)
If I knew you were here I would've
brought some cheese...
He shoots right up the pole again out of sight. Hold CAMERA
on this shot for an instant... Groucho comes sliding down
again... this time he is fully dressed, including his high
hat and the cigar in s mouth... He walks over to Trentino
belligerently, and deposits his hat on table on the way.
GROUCHO
(To Trentino)
So -- you've come to ask for clemency!
I'll give the enemy no quarter --
not a dime...
MRS. TEASDALE
But Your Excellency -- the Ambassador
is here on a friendly visit... He
came to ask you to patch up the
breach.
GROUCHO
Let him patch up his own breeches...
TRENTINO
(To Groucho -- ignoring
Groucho's remark)
I'm sorry we lost our tempers...
I'm willing to forget if you are.
GROUCHO
Forget?
(Like an injured woman)
You ask me to forget... Why, my
ancestors would rise from their
graves... and I'd only have to bury
them again... A Firefly never
forgets...
TRENTINO
I am willing to apologize... I'm
willing to do anything to prevent
this war.
GROUCHO
Nothing doing!! I've taken a lease
on the battlefield. I'd lose my
deposit, besides, I've already ordered
the ammunition...
VERA
(Putting her arms
around Groucho)
Oh, Your Excellency, isn't there
something I can do?
GROUCHO
Yes, but I'll talk to you about that
when we're alone...
MRS. TEASDALE
(Coming to Groucho)
Oh, won't you reconsider...
GROUCHO
(Relenting)
Well, maybe I am a little
headstrong... But, you know, it's
awfully hard to forget what he called
me.
(Indicating Trentino)
TRENTINO
What I called you... Why, what did
I call you?
GROUCHO
I don't remember.
TRENTINO
(With a little chuckle)
Oh -- you mean... worm?
GROUCHO
(Smiling coyly)
No, that wasn't it...
TRENTINO
Was it -- swine?
GROUCHO
(Same attitude as
above)
No... it was a seven letter word.
TRENTINO
(Thinking, then with
a broad smile)
Oh yes! -- UPSTART!
GROUCHO
That's it...
Takes gloves from Trentino's breast pocket and socks him
across the face... and puts them in his own breast pocket.
Trentino becomes apoplectic
TRENTINO
(Spluttering and
stuttering)
Why - er - Mrs. Teasdale - this is
an outrage! This man is impossible...
My course is clear... this means
war...
(Turns to go and turns
and yells to Groucho)
You RUNT!
GROUCHO
I still like UPSTART the best.
Trentino exits in a rage. Vera pretends that she is overcome
by the scene
VERA
(Putting her hand to
her brow)
Oh, this is dreadful! If you'll
excuse me I'll go to my room...
She exits toward stairway
MRS. TEASDALE
(Excited - almost
hysterical)
Yes, it's awful!
(To Groucho)
Are you sure you did the right thing?
GROUCHO
Of course. Who ever heard of calling
off a war after ordering all the
ammunition?
By this tine Vera has descended the stairs and exited from
scene. Groucho looks around the room furtively to make sure
he is not being observed and takes a large envelope from his
inside pocket.
GROUCHO
The plans of war are in this envelope.
I want you to take care of them --
no one will ever suspect you.
He hands papers to her
CUT TO Vera lingering on stairs looking down on the scene
below. Having heard the conversation, she exits from scene,
and we CUT down stairs to Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale.
GROUCHO
Guard them with your life... don't
leave them out of your sight... If
the enemy gets those papers we're
lost. If they don't get them, we're
lost. Can't you see what I'm trying
to tell you? I love you... Mrs.
Teasdale, you're the salt of the
earth. They don't come any better
than you...
MRS. TEASDALE
(Modestly, with a
bashful lowering of
her eyes)
Now -- er --
GROUCHO
Well -- they might come better but
they don't come any bigger... and
the bigger the better. The bigger
the betta you've got on a horse, the
more you lose, and speaking about
horses, why don't you marry me.
Come, come -- say yes and you'll
never see me again. I'll go 'way if
it means your happiness...
MRS. TEASDALE
Oh, your Excellency, you take me off
my feet.
Groucho puts his arms around her and tries unsuccessfully to
lift her off her feet.
GROUCHO
(Angrily)
Swell chance I've got taking you off
your feet...
Mrs. Teasdale sinks down into a chair; without hesitation,
Groucho slides into her lap and continues his passionate
love making.
GROUCHO
Gloria -- may I call you Gloria?
MRS. TEASDALE
Why -- why -- of course.
GROUCHO
You can call me Gloria too. Gloria --
what a beautiful name. When I was
born my mother named me Gloria --
two minutes later she found out her
mistake...
CUT TO door as Bob enters. He moves in the direction of
Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale.
BOB
(Coming into scene)
Father...
GROUCHO
(Looks up and sees
Bob... without being
a bit disturbed...
remains on her lap)
Take a letter...
Bob takes out pad and pencil.
BOB
Who to?
GROUCHO
None of your business... Take another
letter.
Groucho rises to his feet and paces the floor in the manner
of a studious business man with his hands behind his back...
then starts to dictate as Bob writes on his pad.
GROUCHO
Eureka Ammunition Company -- Gentlemen --
Your shipment of sailor hats arrived
this morning by freight --
(Turns to Mrs. Teasdale)
Gloria, I could go for you in a big
way --
(turns to Bob)
However, the rifles you sent were a
little rusty --
(Then to Mrs. Teasdale)
-- and I don't say that to everybody --
(Now to Bob)
Have not received last month's drawing
account. How come?
(To Mrs. Teasdale)
Your neck is like a swan... Yours
very truly. Now read it back.
(Dashes back to Mrs.
Teasdale's lap)
BOB
(Reading from pad)
Eureka Ammunition Company, Gentlemen.
Your shipment of sailor hats arrived
this morning by freight. Gloria, I
could go for you in a big way.
However, the rifles you sent were a
little rusty and I don't say that to
everybody. Have not received last
month's drawing account; how come
your neck is like a swan. Yours
very truly...
GROUCHO
(Rising to his feet)
They'll know I mean business then
they get that letter... see that
that gets out immediately and that
goes for you too.
BOB
Yes, sir.
(Exits from scene)
GROUCHO
(Turning to Mrs.
Teasdale)
Gloria, much as I hate to leave, I'd
be crazy to stay here.
MRS. TEASDALE
Well, if you must go --
She picks up Groucho's hat and hands it to him. He removes
a white rabbit from hat and gives it to her. He is about to
put the hat on his head when something in the hat attracts
his attention. He empties six baby rabbits out of the hat
onto the table; puts his hat on and exits.
CUT TO outside of house just as Harpo is pulling up to the
curb in his motorcycle and sidecar. Groucho comes out of
house and walks directly to motorcycle.
GROUCHO
(To Harpo)
I'm not taking any more chances.
You sit in the sidecar...
Harpo gets off seat and sits in sidecar. Groucho sits on
driver's seat. The sound of the motor is heard and Harpo
drives off in the sidecar, leaving Groucho on the motorcycle.
FADE OUT
END OF SEQUENCE "E"
SEQUENCE "F"
FADE INTO
Insert of program
GEMS FROM THE OPERAS
PREMIER DANSEUSE
VERA TRENTINO
DISSOLVE - Through program to stage of opera house - company
singing aria from some well-known opera. CUT TO orchestra
box nearest proscenium arch. Harpo and Chico are there fast
asleep leaning on each other. They are dressed in Inverness
capes - wearing their high hats. Chico has a red band across
his shirt-front on which is embossed "Secretary of War" in
gold letters. An usher enters box with two people in the
background.
USHER
(To Chico and Harpo)
I'm sorry gentlemen - but you have
the wrong seats.
CHICO
(Awakening)
That's all right. We're not enjoying
ourselves anyway.
USHER
You belong in that box over there -
(Pointing to vacant
box on opposite side
of house - orchestra
box)
CHICO
(To Harpo)
Come on --
They both step out of box, onto stage and stroll casually
across as singing is going on. Part of the way across, Harpo
and Chico react to the singing of a very high note -- it's
practically in Harpo's ear. He stops -- makes a terrible
face -- takes out ear-muffs, puts them on his ears and he
and Chico continue toward the box --
CUT TO other box -- the one that Chico and Harpo are headed
for. Mrs. Teasdale and guests are being ushered in...
Chico and Harpo come into scene, arriving at box. Chico
steps into box from stage. Harpo is about to follow when he
spies a pretty gir