Four Rooms
Writers: Allison Anders, Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Alexandre Rockwell
"FOUR ROOMS"
Screenplay by
Allison Anders
Alexandre Rockwell
Robert Rodriguez
Quentin Tarantino
MAIN TITLES
As presentation credits begin, we hear Johnny Cash's "Home
of the Blues." Then we see Allison's name, under it Alex's,
under that Robert's, under that Quentin's, then under that
the title logo for Four Rooms, followed by "Starring Tim
Roth as the Bellboy." Then "The Guests" listed in alphabetical
order of all the actors playing guests. After the actors'
names, we...
FADE UP ON A WALL
The camera pans down a weathered wall covered with postcards
from Miami Beach, Florida, the Copacabana, N.Y.C., "Wish You
Were Here" from Niagara Falls, rickshaws and babes on beaches,
etc....
The camera comes to rest on an old photograph of a 1930s
hotel, the "Mon Signor," in its heyday, with a full staff of
30 people posed on the lawn in front.
An old guy with a staccato voice delivers a monologue:
VOICE-OVER
There used to be a staff of fifty in
this place. I'm the only one left
from those days. It all comes down
to one sap: the night-shift bellhop,
that's me. What the hell is a bellhop?
You know where the name comes from?
(silence)
Of course not... It's so simple it's
stupid. They ring a bell and you
hop. You hop to front and center. No
heroes in this line, kid. Just men
doing a job. No questions asked,
none answered. I try to keep it
simple, kid, not too personal...
Another voice of a young man interrupts.
TED
You met any of those old stars?
THE OLD GUY
Stars! Are you kidding me? I took
Rin Tin Tin out for a shit, for
Christ's sakes. I taught Shirley
Temple how to roller-skate. I saw
Fatty Arbuckle regurgitate three
cheese sandwiches right on the spot
you're sitting, kid. What did you
say your name was?
TED
Ted.
THE OLD GUY
Ted, right. I remember Marilyn used
to come down at night and doze off
in the kitchen. She liked the sound
of the fans out back spinning around.
Sure, these were stars, kid. Errol
Flynn used to call me "Alibi." You'll
pick up a few stories yourself, kid.
TED
I don't think so, not like yours.
THE OLD GUY
What do you think a star does when
he goes to the bathroom, kid?
TED
Beats me.
THE OLD GUY
He pulls his pants down and takes a
crap just like you and me. Take my
word for it.
A wisp of smoke passes over a napkin pinned to the wall with
a lip print on it signed "Marilyn." The camera pulls back to
reveal Ted and the Old Guy sitting on a foldout cot in a
small back room of the Hotel Mon Signor. The old man is
dressed in a striped T-shirt with a bellhop's cap on. He
looks like an old pirate. Next to him on the bed sits Ted, a
young guy with a bellhop jacket draped over his knees. The
old bellhop takes a long drag off a big cigar.
THE OLD GUY
Camacho!
TED
Who?
THE OLD GUY
The cigar. Cuban. A good cigar,
wrapped in Miami. I get a box of
them every Christmas from the chairman
of the board. I think he sends them
to me to keep my mouth shut. It's
tough not to get a little personal
in this business.
The old bellhop takes a hit off his cigar and stares down at
his cap, lost in thought.
TED
What do you mean?
The old guy passes the cap over to Ted.
THE OLD GUY
Put it on.
Ted puts the cap on.
THE OLD GUY
Frankly, you look stupid... like the
Philip Morris guy. I can't believe I
wore that thing for fifty years. You
keep it.
The Old Guy gets up from the bed and throws a jacket on.
Pulls a few postcards off the wall, throws them in an old
straw suitcase, and slams the lid down. He heads for the
door. Ted follows.
THE OLD GUY
Stay away from night clerks, kids,
hookers, and marital disputes.
The Old Guy pauses for a second and looks Ted dead in the
eye.
THE OLD GUY
Never have sex with the clientele.
TED
No way, not me. You got any other
advice.
THE OLD GUY
Always get a tip.
The door slams shut on the back room.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY--TWILIGHT
The big empty lobby of the Mon Signor. You can tell that at
one point this used to be a swank place. It still is, kinda.
It's also kinda decrepit. The concierge -- a snappy, fast-
talking, red-haired young woman in a blue blazer named Betty --
stands behind the reception desk. The old man, suitcase in
hand, makes a beeline through the lobby, heading toward the
front door. Betty sees him.
BETTY
Sam! Hey, Sam, wait a minute!
The Old Guy stops in his tracks and turns around.
THE OLD GUY
What?
Betty comes from behind the desk.
BETTY
I just want to say good-bye.
THE OLD GUY
Who are you?
BETTY
Uhhh, Betty. The concierge. Your
boss.
The Old Guy squints his eyes at the young gal.
THE OLD GUY
Oh yeah. Gotta light, sister? Goddam
cigar went out.
BETTY
Yeah, sure.
She speaks to the Old Guy as she lights his cigar and he
puffs away.
BETTY
I just want you to know, from the
owner and all the staff, your fifty
years of service have been an
inspiration to us all. You're a legend
in your own time, and the Mon Signor
will never be the --
THE OLD GUY
Just forward my cigars, Red.
(He turns around the
walks out, saying
over his shoulder)
Aufwiedersehen!
Betty is left standing in the lobby. Ted appears behind her
in his bellbody uniform, sans cap.
TED
Sam the bellboy. Now there was a
man.
BETTY
Yeah. Oh, hi, Teddy. Ready to start
the night shift?
TED
Yeah.
BETTY
Well, let me buy you a drink.
TED
You wanna buy me a drink? I'm starting
my shift.
BETTY
You're not an alcoholic, are you;
one drink won't kill you.
TED
Yeah, sure.
They walk out of frame. In the empty frame we
SUPER: NEW YEAR'S EVE 7:00 P.M.
INT. BACK ROOM--NIGHT
Betty and Ted sit in the back room, both with drinks in their
hand. This dialogue is to be delivered rapid fire, Howard
Hawks style.
BETTY
After fifty years, Sam retires, and
you're taking over the night shift.
TED
Correct.
BETTY
You're filling some mighty big shoes.
TED
Oh, I know.
BETTY
Sam was a legend in the hotel
business.
TED
Oh, I know...
BETTY
A bellhop's bellhop.
TED
An inspiration to us all.
BETTY
He ran the night desk for fifty years,
all by himself.
TED
An amazing man.
BETTY
No desk clerk. No night man. No help.
Just fuckin' Sam, and his wits.
TED
A man alone.
BETTY
And you're gonna do the same.
TED
I know.
BETTY
Tonight.
Ted spews his drink.
TED
Tonight!
BETTY
Yes, tonight.
TED
I can't.
BETTY
Yes, you can.
TED
No, I can't. I never worked the night
shift before.
BETTY
Oh night shift -- smight shift.
TED
We were supposed to work it together.
BETTY
I know, but I can't.
TED
Why not?
BETTY
I'm having a New Year's Eve party.
TED
Since when?
BETTY
Actually, I'm not having it. My
roommate is. And there's this guy.
German guy. He's gonna be there. And
so am I.
TED
I can't run this place by myself.
BETTY
Oh, sure ya can.
TED
No, I can't.
BETTY
Sam ran this place by himself for
fifty years.
TED
Yeah, and he had fifty years of
fuckin' practice, too. I haven't had
a day.
BETTY
Look, Teddy, calm down --
TED
-- Don't call me Teddy.
BETTY
Ted, the night's cake. It's easy.
The day's when it's busy. During the
night there's nothing to do.
TED
It's New Year's Eve.
BETTY
Which'll make it less busy than
normal. Ever worked on Christmas?
Unless you sell turkeys, business is
dead. You just got butterflies, that's
all.
TED
What I have ain't butterflies. I
can't handle this hotel all by myself.
Betty slows the scene down.
BETTY
Okay, let's calm down a minute. Slow
it down, cool it off. Let's just
talk.
TED
You can say any goddamn thing you
want --
BETTY
-- Ted? I thought we were calming
down? I thought we were cooling off?
No hostility. Say good-bye to
hostility. We're just talking.
TED
Okay... okay... okay... I'm calm,
I'm cool, let's talk.
BETTY
Ted, in a nutshell, all you have to
do is hold the fort. It's New Year's
Eve. Most of the guests are going
out. You'll just be giving them a
little nod as they come staggering
in at three... four... five... in
the morning. Nobody's having any
parties, a few get-togethers, but no
parties. You got about three people
checking in tonight, that's it. The
only variable is Chester Rush in the
penthouse.
TED
Chester Rush? The guy from The Wacky
Detective?
BETTY
Yeah, him and his entourage checked
in last night. They're in the
penthouse. The only reason I refer
to it as a variable is that he's a
movie star. Ya never know about movie
stars. I'm tellin' ya, Ted, it's
cake.
Betty takes a piece of paper and writes her number down.
BETTY
(continuing)
And look, if you have any problems,
call me at the party.
Ted thinks about it for a moment.
TED
Okay.
BETTY
Great --
TED
-- For fifty bucks.
BETTY
Fifty bucks!
TED
You're shirking your duties for this
Nazi. For that you pay a price, and
the price is fifty bucks.
BETTY
One, Horst is not a Nazi. Two, that's
not a fair price. You're taking
advantage of the situation. Twenty
bucks. Now, twenty bucks is a fair
price.
TED
Yeah, but what you're doin' to me
ain't fair. And, you are completely
and totally taking advantage of me
and your position. So fifty bucks is
the perfect price.
Betty begrudgingly digs in her purse.
BETTY
Okay, but don't be a pussy. You don't
bother me unless it's an emergency.
In fact, for fifty bucks, you better
not call me unless the fuckin'
building's burning down.
She gives him the money.
BETTY
Get ready to take the desk.
Betty leaves.
Ted sits in the chair, takes another drink, and prepares
himself for the night.
FADE TO BLACK
STORY TITLE CARD:
ROOM 321
"STRANGE BREW"
FADE IN:
EXT. THE MON SIGNOR HOTEL--DUSK
Ted, the bellboy, meets his first guest of the evening, as a
taxi unloads her luggage. To his warm surprise, the guest is
a Beautiful Mediterranean Goddess (actually, we will come to
see she is not technically a goddess, but a High Priestess).
She is about 25 years old, speaks with an Italian accent and
is dressed in Gypsy garb. She is Athena.
Ted takes Athena's luggage onto his cart. But one item in a
woven Moroccan bag proves to be unbearably heavy. Athena is
concerned as he attempts to lift it.
ATHENA
Pleeze be careful -- my God. You
have no idea...
Ted strains as he uses all his cojones to lift the insanely
heavy bag onto the cart. Athena tips the cab driver, stingily.
The driver winces and gets in the cab. Ted has now managed
with grunts and groans and strained blood vessels to put
this thing on the cart. The cab skids away. Athena looks at
Ted, who is out of breath.
ATHENA
I'm usually a good tipper, but this
one -- this cab driver -- he had
green all around him. I don't like
that in a man.
Ted wheezes and pounds on his chest.
TED
Green? Is that bad? Like you read
auras or something like that?
ATHENA
Something like that.
TED
Yeah, well what color are you seein'
around me... how's the tip lookin?
ATHENA
I see purple... in your face, and...
As if she can't help herself, Athena's eyes are strangely
drawn to his crotch.
She frowns, confused by this impulse. Ted appears to be
charmingly oblivious.
Athena looks back into his face.
ATHENA
...you're okay.
Ted touches his face -- as if searching for the "purple" in
it -- and moves the cart inside, discreetly checking out his
crotch and giving her a confused side glance.
INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK
Ted shifts hats to check the girl in. He checks her
reservation.
ATHENA
Athena Z.
TED
(scratching his head --
weird name, okay)
You're booked in the Honeymoon Suite --
just one night? With all this luggage?
ATHENA
I will only need to stay till sunrise.
TED
Okay... and how will you be paying?
ATHENA
With gold.
He looks at this wacky Gypsy chick numbly -- she pulls out
her Gold Card and smiles.
EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK
The doors open and Ted and Athena emerge upon the third floor.
Ted follows Athena with the cart down the hallway to her
room.
AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR
Ted opens the door, then lifts the easiest bags first. In
the center of the room is a Jacuzzi with hokey plastic cupids
poised with urns on each side. A dormant fireplace looms
beyond the still hot tub.
Ted stares at the heavy bag with anxiety -- then looks in
front of him to Athena as she rubs the round plastic head of
a little Cupid and mumbles, "Perfect."
Then, arms open wide, chin lifted to heaven, eyes closed,
she mumbles a faint incantation. Then she does a belly-dance
wiggle and turns to Ted, who is truly perplexed.
ATHENA
Well -- the other bag -- I need it.
TED
Right.
He starts to lift it, again straining and turning purple. He
laughs sickly.
TED
What the hell you got in here, lady?
Nuclear weapons?
She relieves him of the task and effortlessly picks up the
bag.
ATHENA
(dryly)
The White Cliffs of Dover.
Ted is stunned as she slings the bag over her shoulder and
pauses to pull a 10 spot out of her cleavage. She hands it
to him. Ted is grateful and disoriented.
ATHENA
The others will be coming soon. Send
them, pleeze.
Ted nods, confused by "the others," and walks off with the
cart. Then he turns from outside the doorway.
TED
Oh -- I forgot to show you how to
turn on the Jacuzzi.
But Athena is ahead of him -- she flips a switch and water
begins to flow from the baby cupids' urns into the hot tub.
ATHENA
I been in dis' place many New Year's.
So... you send the others to me,
huh. Go now.
As she says this, the door closes with a strange force,
shutting Ted out. Athena takes the bag to the bedroom of the
suite.
IN THE SUITE BEDROOM
A round bed with pink tuck'n'roll headboard. It's impossible
to imagine having an orgasm in this room -- unless it were
achieved by laughing.
Athena carefully removes a large, beautiful white slab of
stone from her tapestry bag. She caresses it and carries it
like a baby to the bed and places it in the very center, the
head of the rock resting on dusty heart-shaped pillows.
Then she removes from her bag a pink negligee and matching
high-heeled slippers.
And these she places with reverence on the bed.
ATHENA
On this night, oh great goddess Diana,
we restore your virgin flesh and
bring you back to real life.
CLOSE ON the rock slab. We hold the artifact.
ATHENA
Soon -- I take you to the pond for a
cleansing. Well, it's a swimming
pool, but it will be under the setting
sun, okay?
INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK FALLS
Just as Ted is recovering from the mystery of this first
guest, Elspeth arrives.
She has skin like marble, the body of Venus, piercing blue
eyes, blond hair and is dressed all in black clothing, like
Honey West in a rubber dress. She carries several bags, and
a silver sword on her shoulder.
TED
May I help you?
ELSPETH
I... we... have a reservation.
Then she snaps, irritated, behind her.
ELSPETH
Kiva!
ANGLE ON a young punk rocker chick with long orange hair, a
long leather coat, wearing a tight T-shirt with studs spelling
"PUSSY" across her breasts. This is Kiva.
Kiva is kicking the tar and nicotine outta the cigarette
machine. Just as Ted's eyes grow wide with anxiety, several
packs of smokes drop into the juvenile delinquent's hands.
KIVA
Wait up, gawd! I had to get supplies
for this boring ass night.
ELSPETH
(to Ted)
We have a reservation in the Honeymoon
Suite.
TED
Oh yeah... you must be one of "the
others." And what're you carrying --
the Rock of Gibraltar?
She stares at him without humor. He fumbles for the key. He
walks around the desk to help her with her black crocodile
luggage. Jars clang inside. He is ready to go, but Elspeth
turns to lecture Kiva on the hazards of smoking, as Kiva
lights up.
ELSPETH
What'd I tell you about smoking?
KIVA
You smoke.
ELSPETH
That's right -- I smoke, and I'm
addicted to it, and I don't want the
same thing to happen to you.
KIVA
(in game-show host
voice)
"Hello -- welcome to this week's
edition of the Hypocrite of the Year
Award --"
As Kiva goes off on her impression of a game-show host,
Elspeth is growing increasingly rageful, like a mother with
an unruly child. Ted waits, luggage in hand.
ELSPETH
Kiva! That's enough --
She cuts Kiva's ramble off. Kiva blows smoke defiantly.
KIVA
You're not my mother!
ELSPETH
Yes I am.
KIVA
Then why're we sleeping together?
Ted looks on uneasily at the relationship that is beginning
to unfold here.
Elspeth checks his reaction and becomes self-conscious at
his scrutiny.
ELSPETH
Well... I didn't mean it... literally.
I... I happen to be the only one
who... cares about you --
But her wild child looks off, bored. Elspeth turns to Ted,
flustered.
ELSPETH
Please -- take us to our room!
Ted smiles uneasily and reaches to relieve her of her sword,
but Elspeth quickly slams her palm on the sword and shoots
him a piercing glare. He jumps back with a light nervous
laugh. He leads the way to the elevator.
AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR
The couch has been set out here in the hall, as well as coffee
tables, lamps, and the TV. Elspeth and Kiva enter the room.
Athena is gone. As Ted stumbles around the furniture in the
hall, he peers in the room and see a transformation. With
most of the furniture removed, candles and incense and flowers
are beginning to form an altar around the fireplace.
But oddest of all is the pink-tinged water swirling in the
Jacuzzi and pouring from the cupid urns. A sprinkle of white
powder on the carpet encircles the hot tub. Elspeth hands
him a tip as he gawks at the circle.
ELSPETH
Flea powder. One of the others is
bringing her cat.
Ted starts away again, perplexed. He turns for one last look
to see Elspeth kneeling before Kiva, who sprawls on the floor.
He shakes his head and leaves.
ELSPETH
You're gonna have to wait in the
other room.
KIVA
Why?
ELSPETH
Because I said so.
KIVA
I'll watch TV.
ELSPETH
You can't watch TV because the noise
will interfere with our ritual.
Kiva looks around the room and spies the TV in the hallway.
She turns to Elspeth with sarcastic concession.
KIVA
Okay... Mommy.
Elspeth bristles as the brat saunters off to the bedroom.
Elspeth enters the sacred circle, stands before the altar,
whips out her sword, and makes a ceremonial gesture pointing
the sword upward, perfectly centered between her breasts.
Kiva, behind Elspeth's back, exits from the bedroom doorway
into the hall and comes back in, lugging the TV into the
honeymoon bedroom.
Elspeth kneels before the altar. Athena enters the room with
the "cleansed" artifact and lays the slab in the center of
the altar upon the heart-shaped pillows as Elspeth lays her
sword next to the rock. The women look upon the union with
tender affection.
ATHENA
Soon -- our goddess will come. I
will go get her negligee.
Athena stands up but her reverie is dispelled as she shrieks!
Loud TV suddenly blasts from the bedroom and Kiva the brat
is trying on the pink negligee over her clothes. Athena takes
the negligee off the irrepressible youth.
ATHENA
What are you doing! Have you no
respect -- who -- who is dis girl?
ELSPETH
Kiva. My friend. Kiva, turn off the
TV! I can't leave her at home --
she's on probation and I gotta keep
an eye on her.
ATHENA
Well, Elspeth, your friend cannot
stay here during the ritual. She may
be one of your kind, but she is not
one of us.
ELSPETH
She stays!! Or I go -- along with my
offering!
The women have a stare-down. Then Athena calls out --
ATHENA
TURN OF THE FUCKING TV, MAN!
KIVA
(in a seductive pout)
Make me...
Elspeth becomes anxious with jealousy. Athena is exasperated
as she firmly demands from Elspeth --
ATHENA
Let's not forget -- I am the High
Fucking Priestess. Deal with dis
girl!
Elspeth defers to Athena with remembered reverence and
respect. She bows apologetic and scurries to the bedroom.
ATHENA
(eyes lifted to heaven,
wearily)
Tell me -- did we have these problems
in Salem? I don't think so...
IN THE BEDROOM
Elspeth swallows her rage and approaches the brat with a
soft touch.
ELSPETH
Kiva... you know what I love about
you?
Kiva smirks... yeah, she knows.
ELSPETH
Your sweet side.
KIVA
And what do I get if I'm sweet?
ELSPETH
You get whatever you want. And you
know what else I love about you?
KIVA
(seduced now)
What?
ELSPETH
Your nose.
And saying this, she kisses Kiva's nose and leaves the room.
Kiva is quieted now. As Elspeth closes the bedroom door, she
has the last word.
ELSPETH
And I saw you checking her out.
Kiva slinks back on the bed, put in her place -- for now.
IN THE HALLWAY/EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK
The doors open and Ted pushes a cart of expensive designer
luggage -- and lots of it -- behind yet another Gorgeous
Gal. This one is Jezebel, a Southern beauty, fawning over
her cat, as she carries nothing else, and proceeds down the
hall like a Southern princess.
JEZEBEL
(talking to her cat
in baby talk)
Oh you little stinker... oh you sweet
little muffin. Yes... Mama loves the
baby.
AT THE DOOR
Jezebel bursts in, chattering.
JEZEBEL
Well, this is just darlin'! Just
darlin' Hi-dee, girls...
Ted carries all her bags inside awkwardly. Again, the place
has become all the more transformed with wild canopies of
exotic cloths and fixings. Elspeth and Athena are hard at
work on a strange nature sculpture as Jezebel enters. She
stands inside the powdered circle and before the hot tub,
which now has dark blue water swirling inside. She presents
her cat -- upward toward heaven -- frees the cat, bares her
breasts and sucks in the vibes: "Ahhhh."
Ted settles the bags down, hoping for a peek at her charms,
but her back is to him. The kitty rubs on her leg. She picks
it up and presses it against her bare breasts, petting it
sweetly. She winks and hands him a tip.
JEZEBEL
Toodle-loo.
And saying this, she shoos him away. Through the glass doors
to the bedroom, she sees Kiva sprawled on the bed, writing
on herself.
JEZEBEL
Well -- I see Elspeth has herself a
new lil' fool -- what the hell is
she doin' here on our night of annual
ritual?
ATHENA
(wearily)
I have sanctioned her presence, as
long as she behaves. Come on -- there
is more work to be done to welcome
our great Diana.
KIVA
I WANT ROOM SERVICE!!
ELSPETH
Why do I always attract girls who
are looking for a babysitter?
JEZEBEL
Well now, honey, maybe Juvenile Hall
ain't the best place to find serious
relationship material.
Elspeth seethes at her. Jezebel acts blithely innocent.
IN THE HALLWAY
Ted is walking from the room with the cart. His face is etched
in a mask of perpetual frown as he looks at the tip in his
hand -- at least these lunachicks tip well.
Waking him out of his deep mood is Raven. Another female
intoxication, she wears a short skirt, all done up in Native
American, Southwestern themes. No shoes.
But she carries a small, old handmade broom. She moves down
the hall, blissed-out. Ted makes eye contact, despite himself.
RAVEN
I'm looking for the room for making
love.
TED
You might be referring to the
Honeymoon Suite. Straight thata way...
you can't miss it -- see all that
furniture in the hallway --
RAVEN
Oh I know the way. I just wanted you
to know that I knew where I was going
and that you needn't bother yourself
with me. The others are here -- great!
TED
(wearily)
Oh yeah -- it's so great -- it's
fantastic.
RAVEN
(in deep empathy)
Ohhh... I know it all seems very
strange but you're coping with us
much better than the bellboys of
past New Year's.
TED
Past New Year's?
RAVEN
Oh yes -- we've been coming here
every New Year... for a long time.
Thanks for your patience.
TED
Oh hey -- no problem -- wreck the
place. Bring in cats. Ruin the carpet
with flea powder, pour paint in the
Jacuzzi. Throw the furniture out
the... where're your bags?
RAVEN
I travel very light.
Ted looks down at the broom at her side, her bare feets, her
thick dark hair. It keeps getting weirder. She wanders off.
INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT
The last of the lovely girls arrives. She is different from
the others. She looks like a farm girl, very Earth Mother,
with a tablecloth halter top and skirt, sandals, and a simple
scarf over her long dark curls. She carries two bags by
herself and holds a small black pot under her arm. She is
Eva.
TED
(already weary of
these girls)
Yeah, yeah, Honeymoon Suite.
EVA
Oh... yes... I'm late.
She lowers her eyes, worried.
TED
All right -- lemme give ya a hand.
EVA
Oh... no, that's all right. I can
carry them by myself.
She is so sweet and sincere that he feels like a heel to
have been irritated with her. He picks up her bags.
TED
I'm a man doin' a job -- no hero.
Eva smiles, beautifully.
EVA
Well gosh -- thank you!
IN THE ELEVATOR
Ted holds Eva's hippy sacks as she holds her black pot. There
is a shy quiet tension here.
EVA
Tell me, how long have the others
been here?
TED
About an hour.
Eva's heart sinks. They arrive at the door. He carries her
bags in.
IN THE SUITE
The room is entirely transformed into a beautiful glowing
palace with an elaborate altar, both earthly and the other-
earthly. The other four girls are arranging the altar as Eva
enters.
ATHENA
You are very late, Eva.
EVA
I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a
birth and the placenta was late in
coming.
Ted is slightly queasy. She hands him a tip and smiles, then
takes it back.
EVA
Oh, wait, lemme give you a little
more than that...
Ted's no fool, he waits while Eva looks through her change
purse.
ELSPETH
Which birth is more important to
you, that of a mortal or that of a
goddess?
EVA
All life is precious... but I do
apologize for being late, Elspeth.
JEZEBEL
Back home, they jist yank on the
umbilical cord, do a Karate chop on
the mama's belly, and them things
come right out.
EVA
They do that here, too, Jezebel, in
the hospitals, but it causes
hemorrhages. I fed the mother a bowl
of comfrey tea and it brought the
afterbirth down perfectly. The couple
are going to use it for fertilizer
to plant a lovely tree for their
baby.
KIVA
Oh wow -- if they were really back-
to-nature, they'd eat it, like other
mammals do.
CLOSE ON Ted's face as he gets thoroughly grossed out.
RAVEN
In some Native American cultures,
they dry the umbilical cord, grind
it to a fine powder, and put it in a
leather pouch that the baby wears to
ward off evil. But burying the
placenta is also a very sound
ecological practice -- 'cause of the
oxygen it carries.
EVA
(cheerfully to the
others)
Yes -- because you see when the
placenta detaches from the uterine
wall...
TED
(wincing in disgust)
Uh, thank you, ladies -- I'll be
going now. If you need anything --
Eva places a nice tip in his palm.
ATHENA
Wait. We do need a few things.
Ted sighs as Eva enters the circle with her black pot. She
kneels softly, holds her hands in piety before the altar,
and softly incants as she offers her pot and places it on
the altar. The stone and sword and flowers now rest here on
pillows covered in chiffon scarves. The negligee hangs from
the mantel, the slippers underneath as if expecting someone
to materialize into the garments.
ATHENA
We need fresh rosemary from the
kitchen. Mostly what we need is from
the kitchen. Hey, are you listening?
Ted is watching Eva, enchanted.
TED
Yeah, yeah, rosemary.
ATHENA
And a little bit of sea salt or Kosher
salt if you don't got no sea salt. A
bottle of spring water -- Italian
please, not French shit.
KIVA
And some french fries!
ELSPETH
Kiva, shut up.
ATHENA
(irritated)
And some ginger, two of the eyes of
a trout fish, and a piece of raw
meat, liver if you have it.
KIVA
(whining)
I want fries -- you dumb jerks with
your stupid fucking ritual!
ATHENA
Shut up, you little shit.
ELSPETH
Don't talk to her that way!
Ted has scribbled down the items as she speaks. He looks at
this list and these girls and shudders as he walks away. He
turns, points at Eva.
Ted smiles at this angel of a girl. She smiles back. But, as
she looks him in the eyes, he feels a strange buzzing
connection happening. He holds his head, almost swooning
with dizziness. Athena smirks.
ATHENA
Get to work, man.
Ted comes out of his daze, looks at the list again and huffs
off. After he goes, the girls begin to bring forth their
most treasured offerings in ornate ancient bottles, vases or
vials.
Jezebel folds her arms and clears her throat in the direction
of Kiva, sitting idly on the edge of the blue water Jacuzzi,
with her feet dipping irreverently in the water.
ELSPETH
Kiva...
KIVA
What?
ELSPETH
You have to go in the next room now.
KIVA
Oh, wow, like I'm bummed out that I
can't watch.
(whining at Elspeth)
I'm bored!
ELSPETH
UP!
She climbs up the stairs, trying to pull the brat to her
feet.
KIVA
Don't put me in there by myself.
I'll miss you way too much.
ELSPETH
Kiva, don't do this to me.
Kiva sees a bit of weakening here; she takes her feet out of
the Jacuzzi. She begins to speak softly.
KIVA
Please... if you just lemme... I'll
play dress-up with you, the way you
like it... you know what I mean...
remember...?
Elspeth begins to weaken. But continues to pull the brat up.
Kiva pours on softer seduction.
KIVA
We can pretend and I'll do it
exactly... the way you want it...
with the egg whites and the kilt.
Elspeth is now fully seduced. Kiva takes Elspeth's hand and
presses it lightly on her face.
ELSPETH
You mean... like last week?
Kiva nods. Elspeth is enthralled, but from a disgusted "ick"
sound from Jezebel, Elspeth realizes she's revealing this
side of her life -- in front of her coven. She nervously
looks around and see all the coven looking at her: a disgusted
Jezebel, an understanding Raven, a preoccupied Eva and an
impatient and stern Athena.
Elspeth comes to her senses, straightens her posture.
ELSPETH
We'll talk about this later, Kiva.
KIVA
(angrily)
No!
She turns on Elspeth and bites her hand. Elspeth pulls her
arm away and grabs Kiva by the hair.
JEZEBEL
Aw, really now -- child abuse?
ELSPETH
You stay outta this!
ATHENA
I demand this stop now, Elspeth!
Elspeth lets go of Kiva's hair. Kiva jerks away from her.
KIVA
I'm running away from you!
ELSPETH
Fine. Go ahead. And I'll call your
parole officer and she'll find you
and send you back to Eastlake!
Kiva stomps off into the bedroom.
ATHENA
Now that the fucking melodrama is
over, can we start the goddamn ritual --
pleeze?
Elspeth enters the powered circle. Each girl takes off her
shoes. They anoint themselves with oils.
ATHENA
We are communing here on New Year's
Eve to bring to life the great goddess
Diana, who was turned to stone in
this very room forty years ago today.
The girls moan in sleepy, eerie agreement as they begin to
sway within the circle.
ATHENA
Diana, great beautiful one, we make
these offerings to you, that we may
undo the wicked spell which deprived
you of the seed of your lover, your
virginal blood, of your very life.
We now form the symbolic rock with
our bodies.
And saying this, the girls all form a "rock" with their bodies
gracefully draped one upon the other. Music begins, and slowly
they start to unfold from the rock.
The girls each find their place in a semicircle around the
Jacuzzi. Some bare their breasts, other strip off a layer of
clothes. They anoint their arms with water from the Jacuzzi.
They begin a lovely dance, snaking their way around the
semicircle. The first one to go from one end to the other is
Athena. She then proceeds up the stairs and positions herself
between the altar and the Jacuzzi. She steps forth with a
bottle to the altar and pours it into the Jacuzzi.
ATHENA
On this night, in this hour, we Call
upon the Ancient Power O Goddess
bride, I offer thee Milk from a
mother's sweet titty!
Each of the girls moans eerily. Athena places the bottle on
the altar and bows away. She joins the circle as Elspeth now
steps forward with her offering in a vial.
ELSPETH
To reverse the evil which has been
done I make this offering to the
Divine One A whore not, an innocent
was, For whom I seized a virgin's
blood.
JEZEBEL
Goddess of Light, Goddess of Lust,
To undo this awful spell is a real
must. To bring you life and get you
high I offer the sweat of five men's
thighs.
The girls moan loudly as they sway. Jezebel places her
offering in the hot tub and bows out, returning to the circle.
Now Raven comes forth with a small leather canteen. She
unscrews the lid as she offers in her opiate stupor.
RAVEN
Diana, oh great one, we live without
sun Until this wicked curse is undone.
In hope that you live, and to us
appear, I have collected a year's
worth of tears.
She pours liquid into the mix, as the witches moan. Now it's
Eva's turn. Eva continues to sway, not moving forth to the
altar. The girls keep their eyes closed as they sway, waiting
for Eva's offering. Athena finally gives her a push and she
goes.
Eva kneels before the altar. She produces a silver bottle
with a chain on its cap and neck. She timidly begins to
incant.
EVA
Great Goddess Diana, fail you I will,
I was to bring fresh sperm from my
Bill. I had him erect, and his semen
would follow But alas I was hot, so
hot that I swallowed.
The moans turn to wails as the girls GASP and SHRIEK! Athena
opens her eyes, wildly.
ATHENA
You stupid little witch! You swallowed
the sperm! Aye-yi--yi!
Elspeth opens her eyes and folds her arms, smirking bitterly.
ELSPETH
It just shows what an amazing lack
of control you have over yourself,
Eva!
JEZEBEL
Honey, why didn't you just use your
hands? Didn't your mama teach you
not to put them things in your mouth?
RAVEN
I understand though...
Eva bursts into tears. Athena is firm.
ATHENA
There is no time to cry over swallowed
sperms. You're gonna have to get
some, baby. You have one hour to
prove what kind of witch you really
are.
Just then: a knock at the door.
ATHENA
(calling out)
What do you want?!
TED
Ted... the bellboy.
Athena smiles and turns to Eva.
ATHENA
Mr. Bellboy, come right in!
Ted opens the door. His eyes bulge out as he looks upon the
fleshly feast. He steps back. They giggle seductively, all
except Eva, who sniffles, red-eyed.
Amazingly, Ted's attention is captivated by Eva's sorrow,
not by the naked charms of the other witches. She shyly covers
her breasts. Sensitive to her shame and sorrow, he looks
away and steps from the door to fetch the room-service cart.
Athena directs the others to put on their shirts. Ted wheels
in the cart.
TED
Here's the things you asked for. Oh,
and uhh, sorry, but I'm not gonna
pick the eyes outta this dead fish.
He points to the trout. Elspeth picks it up, flings the eyes
into the Jacuzzi, and tosses the trout out of the window.
She smirks at him comtemptuously.
ATHENA
(handing Ted 50 bucks)
Okay, mister, here's your fifty-dollar
tip, only, you have to do one more
thing... make our little Eva smile.
Can you? We'll leave you alone.
(to Eva, firmly)
And don't use your mouth!
The girls step out. Athena turns to Eva and points to her
watch, then holds up one finger. Eva looks up, worried. The
door closes on her and Ted. She looks at Ted and sighs. He
covers her with a shawl.
IN THE HALLWAY
The other witches listen at the door.
ELSPETH
If she doesn't get his goop in ten
minutes, I'm going to take him myself.
JEZEBEL
Ha! That'll be a first for you.
ELSPETH
Oh shit -- Kiva!
She runs back in for her bratty girlfriend, who is already
sneaking out the bedroom door.
ELSPETH
And just where do you think you're
going?
KIVA
Well, gawd -- I need a candy bar or
something -- you haven't fed me all
day. I'm getting all shaky. My blood
sugar's really low.
JEZEBEL
Elspeth -- honestly now -- some
babysitter you're turnin' out ta be!
ATHENA
Enough, girls. I will collect fresh
earth. Jezebel, I want you to gather
damp moss. Raven, you bring me a
birch branch.
Elspeth, you go feed your terrible girlfriend. We meet back
here in one hour and let's all have faith that Eva can get
this guy off.
The witches disperse.
INT. HONEYMOON SUITE--NIGHT
Eva sits among pillows before the altar as Ted stands in
front of her. Ted is trying his best to make poor Eva smile.
But no matter what his antics, she looks off sadly.
TED
Help me out, lady. I gotta earn this
fifty bucks!
EVA
Oh look, they don't care if I smile
or not! All they want is...
Ted waits; she sighs and rest her chin in her hand.
EVA
You won't understand, believe me.
She begins to cry tearfully again.
TED
Try me. I've been around, y'know.
He postures proudly, all puffed out. Eva looks at him
helplessly. And he paternally encourages her to explain.
EVA
Well... okay. The five of us --
Elspeth, Jezebel, Athena, Raven and
me -- are a coven.
TED
Ha, like a coven of witches?
EVA
Yes.
TED
(stunned)
Oh.
He looks around the room: QUICK CUTS of candles, iconography,
jars of lurid substances, unknown body parts of animals woven
into the nature sculpture... and are those tongues in that
can? Ted's getting the creeps, but again puffs himself up.
TED
I knew that!
EVA
(getting calmer)
And you see, our coven has spent
forty years trying to perfect a ritual
to undo a wicked curse put on our
goddess Diana.
TED
Gee, you don't look a day over twenty!
EVA
Oh... ha ha... I mean the witches
before us tried and failed. But
Athena, our High Priestess, discovered
a great potion to reverse the evil
spell which turned our beautiful
goddess into an old rock.
TED
(looking at the rock)
Yeah? Is... is that her?
Eva nods, looking lovingly at the stone.
EVA
She was a beautiful virgin. An
entertainer by trade, but a great
sorceress by design. It was here in
this very room, on her wedding night,
a jealous rival placed the curse on
Diana.
TED
She turned to -- that -- here?
EVA
Yes... and her young husband turned
into a pink fish! They found him
swimming in the pool in circles.
While our dear goddess: a stone in
her honeymoon bed.
Ted frowns as he ponders all this. Eva takes a photo from
the altar and hands it to Ted.
EVA
This was Diana.
CLOSE ON photo: a Blond Bombshell in full-on Betty Page
attire, a bare-tittied pinup girl, playfully spanking a girl
in bondage with a spiked high heel.
TED
This girl here? This is the goddess
Diana?
The photograph slowly comes alive. Diana stops spanking the
girl and unties her.
She pulls the girl (in the black satin mask) up off her lap
and makes the girl stand. The women face each other and break
into a cheek-to-cheek tango.
CLOSE ON Ted as he shakes his head. Are his eyes playing
tricks on him?
TED
I hate to tell you this, but I kinda
doubt she was a virgin.
EVA
Oh, but she was! She had lovers, but
she saved that for marriage. Which
is the example I've tried to follow:
to do everything but that till I
marry...
She begins to sob again. Ted comforts her.
TED
Hey, don't cry... a virgin is a rare
and beautiful thing. If you say she
was a virgin, I'll believe it.
EVA
Well, it doesn't matter now... and
she won't be resurrected tonight
'cause I failed her. I let my whole
coven down!
TED
Wait a sec -- that rock was gonna
turn back into this?
He holds up the photo. Eva nods.
TED
Now, that would be something worth
seeing!
EVA
Only, not now -- we were each supposed
to bring something -- a life fluid.
TED
(wincing in disgust)
If this is gonna be like one of those
afterbirth conversations, I don't
think I wanna hear this.
EVA
Only... I swallowed it...
TED
You swallowed what?
Eva looks off. Ted searches his brains, thoroughly sickened
now.
TED
You mean, you were supposed to
bring... like... like a guy's... and
you...?
She nods; he winces, queasy. Eva looks at him, helpless.
EVA
And now, you're my last chance!
TED
(laughing)
Yeah, sure.
(then -- panic)
Whoa, what? You want my -- for the --
witchy poo -- ahh no -- no way --
nope. Besides, it's against hotel
policy. I was warned: "No sex with
the clientele"!
Eva sobs, pleading. She throws off her shawl, baring her
lovely breasts, and reaches her arms around his neck. He
keeps backing off. Unbeknownst to him, he is already doing a
ritualistic shuffle.
TED
Ha, c'mon now, joke's over.
(seeing this is no
joke)
Hey, we're gonna step in the flea
powder.
EVA
That's not flea powder, that's sacred
dust ground from the horns of Albino
goats.
TED
Right! I knew that!
He is backing away, into the circle, as she comes for him,
soft and sweet. Her eyes are again putting the magic hex on
him, as he tries to resist her gaze.
TED
What's a nice girl like you doing in
a coven, anyway?
EVA
Well, see, what I really want to do
is be a midwife. I've attended four
births already! I can prevent vaginal
tears and everything.
TED
(trying to dodge her
hexing eyes)
Well, that's a good thing! A guy
doesn't like surprises down there.
All the while she is stepping toward him into the circle.
EVA
I joined the coven to attain greater
understanding of my feminine power
so I could become a truly great
midwife!
TED
(the hex working now)
Oh, well, I see you've been gaining
a lot of insight into your... girl
powers...
Eva sweetly takes his hand and places it on her breast.
EVA
Do you really think so?
TED
(buckling under the
temptation)
Well, yeah, I'd say that seems to be
the case...
(she licks his neck;
his eyes roll back
heavenly)
Ohhh, God! Betty's gonna kill me!
EVA
Who's Betty -- your girlfriend?
TED
No. My boss.
EVA
Oh good!
TED
Oh no!
They fall into a kiss, as she begins to remove his cap. She
moves him toward the Jacuzzi, closer and closer.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HALLWAY--NIGHT
Ted pushes his room-service cart. He is flushed. Puffed up.
Lights a cigarette, takes a great big, satisfied drag. Eva
runs to the door dreamily, her naked body wrapped in her
shawl. She passes him a card.
EVA
My phone number in Topanga. Call me?
TED
(cocky)
Sure, baby. Yeah, I'll give ya a
call.
She smiles and shuts the door. The other witches are arriving
with supplies from the garden. Kiva, now having raised her
blood sugar, sucks on a lollipop, a sunny girl. She talks to
Raven, who carries a birch limb.
KIVA
What's that used for?
RAVEN
It's a birch branch, symbolizing
eternal life. You can also use the
bark for a tea which assists in astral
travel.
KIVA
Hey -- I wanna be a witch!
The other girls roll their eyes as Elspeth smiles proudly.
Ted blows smoke at them and pushes his cart off down the
hall. The witches run inside the room.
IN THE SUITE
Eva sits, blissed-out, in the center of the circle, smiles.
EVA
I'm a woman now!
ATHENA
But where is his "stuff"?
EVA
(pointing to the
Jacuzzi)
We did it right there, in the big
cauldron!
JEZEBEL
Ooohhh honey, you're gonna be sore
tomorra! Didn't your mama teach you
that water strips a girl's
lubrication?
RAVEN
Sex in water is great in the movies,
not in real life... but you will
learn. As we all did.
JEZEBEL
Yeah, when she can't walk...
(to Elspeth)
I guess you wouldn't have those kinds
of problems -- without penetration.
ELSPETH
No. And virtually no cervical cancer,
either.
ATHENA
Okay, girls, enough Sex Education
101, let's get going with our ritual,
goddammit.
Athena regally leads the ritual as they all bare their breasts
again. Kiva throws off her shirt to join in. As she does, we
see black bondage tape on her nipples. Elspeth darts a quick
look at the tape, looks at the other witches -- not sure she
likes this -- but she goes with it. The witches sway in a
circle, eyes closed, as Eva makes her offering.
EVA
Goddess Diana, I offer you The jism
of one I wooed for you That you may
live and know such bliss Of getting
laid by a guy like this.
The witches all incant.
ALL OF THE WITCHES
So must it be. Three times three
times three.
They march half-naked as they moan and revel in eerie cries.
The Jacuzzi begins to bubble and boil. Their cries heighten;
the potion bubbles over.
DISSOLVE TO:
HOURS LATER
Athena reads from a huge leatherbound book, The Book of
Shadows, full of potions and spells. Four discouraged witches
pack their bags. The room has been restored to its worldly
under-splendor. Kiva uses the remote on the TV... so much
for witchcraft. The slab of rock remains a slab.
ATHENA
I don't understand what went wrong.
ELSPETH
I say Eva pulled one over on us.
EVA
What?
JEZEBEL
Honey -- Eva was wearing the face of
someone just fucked good... and the
best actress in this world, or any
other, can't fake a thing like that!
ELSPETH
Exactly -- if she was fucked so good,
how could she save his come?
RAVEN
It could be done...
ATHENA
Girls, knock it off.
(she looks up from
the book)
Maybe... maybe it needed to be the
sperm of a virgin male.
EVA
(dreamily)
He was no virgin!
The witches sadly collect their things. Athena, deep in
thought, strokes the slab.
ATHENA
Let's leave her here, with the sword,
until dawn. I will come back for her
before checkout time. I just... feel
too sad to carry her away before the
sun comes up to warm her.
They all agree. They pick up their bags and head out.
JEZEBEL
(cuddling her cat)
I can't believe we have to carry our
own bags out! My mama would have a
hissy fit!
KIVA
(flirtatiously)
I'll carry your bags.
ELSPETH
(firmly)
You're carrying my bags!
They leave the room. Jezebel's cat leaps from her arms as
she hoists her luggage. Eva walks out satisfied, thought
perhaps a little sore -- "ouch," she says, and smiles. Athena
takes one last look at their goddess slab.
ATHENA
Next year, we try again -- with virgin
sperm.
She closes the door on the Honeymoon Suite (till next New
Year's Eve!).
FADE TO BLACK.
FOUR ROOMS
FADE UP ON:
INT. MON SIGNOR LOBBY--NIGHT
Ted behind the desk, on the phone. We only hear his side.
TED
Oh, Jesus, what did I tell you? Do
you want milk and cookies, or do you
not?
(pause)
I can't turn on an adult station
without permission from your parents.
(pause, he checks his
computer)
That's not what the machine tells
me.
(pause)
You be good and you'll get milk and
cookies, but for now leave me alone,
please. I'll be up later to put you
both to sleep.
He hangs up.
TED
(to himself)
Goddamn kids.
SUPER: 1:00 a.m.
The phone rings again.
TED
Room Service.
INT. ROOM 404--NIGHT
A small party is going on. A long-haired Yuppie Scum type in
on the line. Music BLARES. People dance in background.
YUPPIE SCUM
What room am I in?
INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT
BACK AND FORTH
TED
This is the front desk, sir.
The Yuppie turns away from the phone and speaks to Real
Theodore.
YUPPIE SCUM
What room are we in?
REAL THEODORE
How should I know? I just got here.
YUPPIE SCUM
(into phone)
You know, don't you have one of those
light things?
TED
If you care to go to the door and
look on the other side, you'll find
the room number.
YUPPIE SCUM
(to Real Theodore)
Call my assistant and ask her what
floor we're on.
REAL THEODORE
Who's your assistant?
YUPPIE SCUM
The girl you party with every night.
REAL THEODORE
(to himself)
Who?
TED
I'm here alone, sir.
REAL THEODORE
It's room 404, I think.
YUPPIE SCUM
I could have sworn we were on the
fifth floor.
REAL THEODORE
Right. 404.
YUPPIE SCUM
(into phone)
Right. 404.
TED
What do you need, sir?
YUPPIE SCUM
(to Real Theodore)
What do we need?
REAL THEODORE
Ice.
YUPPIE SCUM
Ice?
REAL THEODORE
Ice.
YUPPIE SCUM
(into phone)
Ice.
TED
Ice.
YUPPIE SCUM
Yeah. Ice.
TED
Right, sir. Ice. 404. I'll be with
you momentarily.
CUT TO:
STORY TITLE CARD:
ROOM 404
"THE WRONG MAN"
INT. DARK HALLWAY
Ted saunters down a hallway with a butt hanging out the corner
of his mouth and a bucket of ice swinging at his side. He
pulls up at a door on which the faded numbers read something
like "Room 404."
Ted knocks on the door. After a moment, the latch is thrown
and the door swings open. Ted cautiously steps into the dark
room.
INT. ROOM
TED
Anybody home?
A DEMONIC CACKLE cuts through the darkness.
MAN'S VOICE
No one here but us chickens.
TED
Say, it's pretty dark in here, sir.
MAN'S VOICE
What do you expect, Theodore, a
fuckin' floor show?
TED
Do I know you?
MAN'S VOICE
I don't know. Do you?
In a flash the lights switch on and Ted finds himself staring
down the barrel of a pretty intense-looking .357 Magnum,
cocked and ready to fire. At the other end of the gun stands
a 50-year-old man, Sigfried, who sports a Cheshire Cat smile
and a "just try fuckin' with me" look on his face. Sigfried
isn't the only person in the room. Directly behind him sits
a beautiful young woman, Angela, gagged and bound to a chair.
Ted drops the bucket to the floor.
TED
I brought your ice.
SIGFRIED
That's cute. In fact, the whole
getup's kind of cute. The monkey
suit's a nice touch, honey puss.
TED
This has to be a mistake. Is this
room 404?
SIGFRIED
Theodore? What do you take me for,
Theodore?
TED
A very upset man?
Sigfried reaches in his pocket and throws a handful of
assorted stimulants into his mouth, chewing on them like
they were breath mints. Sigfried thrusts his hand forward,
gripping Ted by the throat, and leads him to Angela.
SIGFRIED
(to Angela)
I am an upset man, Theodore.
TED
How do you know my name, sir?
SIGFRIED
I'm psychic, Theodore.
TED
Look my name is Ted, actually, and I
have no idea what's going on here,
but I've obviously come at a bad
time.
SIGFRIED
Let's not belabor the fact that you
have no sense of timing, Theodore.
The fact is you're here.
Sigfried turns to Angela.
SIGFRIED
(continuing)
And I couldn't think of a better
time for you to introduce me to your
beau than on New Year's Eve.
TED
Oh fuck, there's a mistake. You're
fucking wrong here. My name is
Theodore, yes! My mother named me
that and I hate the name. But I'm a
fucking bellhop. People call me Ted.
I work here.
Suddenly, with great force, Sigfried slams the butt of his
pistol smack into Ted's temple, sending him to the floor.
Ted looks up at Sigfried in shock.
SIGFRIED
Look, I'd love to sit here all night
with you talking about things like
when you broke in your first mitt --
(pause)
That was insensitive of me, wasn't
it, T H E O D O R E? But let's cut
to the chase, okay?
TED
Okay.
SIGFRIED
So apologize!
A tense silence fills the room. All eyes are on Ted, who
can't figure out what the fuck this guy wants.
TED
For what?
Sigfried looks hard with disbelief at Ted, who winces back.
SIGFRIED
You are really beginning to annoy
me, Theodore.
Sigfried throws another handful of pills into his mouth.
TED
Look, obviously you two are working
something out and if I could help
you with your problem I would.
SIGFRIED
What are you saying? Are you saying
I got a problem? Are you trying to
say I don't give her what she needs?
That I'm FUCKING INSENSITIVE!!
TED
Look, is this about another man? Or
something?
Ted has struck a raw nerve. Sigfried's mood swings
drastically; he bends down next to Ted.
SIGFRIED
Let's get our ABC's right, here,
Theodore. Theodore, right?
TED
Ted's better.
SIGFRIED
Ted, okay... Are you saying my wife
cheats on me?
TED
I didn't say that... I...
SIGFRIED
Oh, for Christ's sake, Theodore,
this is about as intimate a situation
as you can get, you, me, and Angela
here. It's pretty cozy. To say nothing
of how stupid an idea it is to lie
to a man with a loaded gun without
considering the possible response. I
demand an apology!
The phone rings.
SIGFRIED
Don't move. I've got to take this.
Sigfried glances at it. Then to Angela. He picks up the phone.
SIGFRIED
(into phone)
What?
(pause)
We ain't got any needles here, kid.
Just a big fucking gun.
He listens to the other line, says good-bye, and hangs up.
SIGFRIED
(to Ted)
Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I remember.
Sigfried kneels next to Ted and assumes a prayer position.
SIGFRIED
I want you to pray for forgiveness,
Theodore.
Sigfried, hands clasped together, signals for Ted to do the
same. The gun lies at his side. Ted considers a bold move,
but thinks better of it. Sigfried's eyes pop open. He cuts a
look to Ted, signaling him to assume the pose.
SIGFRIED
(continuing)
Now say after me, "I apologize..."
TED
I apologize...
SIGFRIED
For what?
Ted looks to Angela for help. She can only stare back with
intense, wide-open eyes.
SIGFRIED
For fucking what?
TED
That I said you might have been
unfaithful?
SIGFRIED
"That I said you might have been
unfaithful?" Listen, Theodore, you're
in church here... you're kneeling in
front of an altar. Truth... truth is
all it hears. Say the following, "I,
Theodore, must humbly and sincerely
apologize for saying that you fucked
another man!"
Ted repeats what Sigfried has told him. This appears to have
a calming effect on Sigfried, who gets up off the floor,
turning his face to Angela.
SIGFRIED
(continuing)
Satisfied?
Angela nods.
SIGFRIED
(continuing)
Do you accept the fucking apology?
Naturally, Angela says nothing.
SIGFRIED
(continuing)
You always gotta get the last word,
don't you? It's one way with you,
Angela, isn't it? I give and I give
and I get nothing back.
Sigfried turns to Ted.
SIGFRIED
(continuing)
She just sits there waiting for me
to jump through hoops...
Angela attempts to speak through the gag. Both men wait with
bated breath for a response. Sigfried's had enough.
SIGFRIED
(continuing)
Stupid me, for a second I thought
you were going to say something...
something like, "I'm sorry." HA!
"I'm sorry." You're absolutely right,
love cakes, I wouldn't want it that
way. That's one thing you can say
about Angela. She'll never do anything
she doesn't want to do. If the feeling
ain't there, she just isn't going to
do it. There is nothing in this world
as fucked as a woman who gives when
she doesn't want to. Never let that
happen to you, Theodore. It makes
you feel very little indeed.
Ted beckons Sigfried.
TED
You mind if I...?
SIGFRIED
Go ahead. Spit it out.
TED
I don't mean to upset you further,
sir, but I think she was trying to
say yes.
SIGFRIED
Are you condescending to me, Theodore?
TED
Absolutely not, I would never do
that.
SIGFRIED
Why don't you just say it?
TED
Say what?
SIGFRIED
That you think I'm an idiot.
TED
I would never say that.
SIGFRIED
You think you're superior to me,
don't ya, Theodore? You don't think
I notice there is a gag in the woman's
mouth.
TED
Of course you do.
SIGFRIED
Naturally "of course." And do you
know how I know that?
TED
How, sir?
SIGFRIED
Because I PUT THE GAG IN HER MOUTH!
I'm gonna let you in on a little
secret about communication, Theodore.
It's all in the eyes...
(points the gun at
Ted)
Him?
(turns the gun on
himself)
Or me? Him or me? No one? Okay. Let's
drag it out.
Sigfried empties the last of the pills into his mouth, heaving
the empty bottle over his shoulder. He takes off, disappearing
into the bathroom.
INT. ROOM
Ted finds himself alone with Angela. They lock eyes. Angela
implores Ted to lean forward. Ted sizes up the situation:
His chances of making it to the door are slim due to the
fact that he would have to pass by the bathroom door. Ted
paces back and forth in front of Angela, who struggles to
get his attention. He whips around and they face off in what
appears to be a game of charades. Ted finally gets the point
and cautiously removes the gag from Angela's mouth. Angela
spits an old sock out.
TED
What!
ANGELA
We don't have time to play charades
here, asshole! Untie me quick.
TED
Listen, lady, I don't know what in
the hell is going on here, but I'd
appreciate it if you would explain
to that nutcase that he's making a
big mistake.
ANGELA
Look, whether you like it or not,
you're in the middle of a situation
here you can't just wish your way
out of.
TED
But I've never seen you people before,
we're complete strangers.
ANGELA
Everyone starts out strangers, Ted,
it's where we end up that counts.
Hurry up.
Ted wrestles with the idea of whether to untie Angela or
not.
TED
I don't know if I can do this. It's
too hard.
ANGELA
Life is hard, Ted. You ever stopped
to consider how many times you change
your underwear in a lifetime?
On nervous impulse, Ted begins the calculations.
ANGELA
I don't mean literally, you ignoramus.
TED
What?
ANGELA
Forget it, listen to me. There's a
gun in my suitcase behind the bed,
it's loaded...
TED
I'm not going to shoot anybody.
ANGELA
Fine. Get the gun and I'll shoot
"anybody."
TED
And make me an accessory in the murder
of your husband?
Ted collapses to his knees in front of Angela.
TED
That's not fair. It just isn't fair.
ANGELA
Get a fucking grip on yourself. First
off, who says he's my husband? And
second, we are a long way from fair
here, fair is back in jolly old
England eatin' crumpets and sipping
on tea.
Ted collects himself.
TED
Tut. Tut. Tut. Not so fast. Well,
maybe there are two sides to this
thing.
ANGELA
There are two sides to a plate, still
you only eat off of one. Now GET THE
GUN!
TED
So why's he got you tied up?
ANGELA
I'm a werewolf, Ted! Get the gun!
Ted is at a loss as to what to do. Angela turns on the charm.
ANGELA
Come on, Ted. Come over here just
for a minute. You can do it. Come
on, Ted. You look like a good guy.
Ted creeps towards her.
ANGELA
That's it, Teddy. You look so much
more attractive when you're self-
assured.
Sigfried suddenly comes to life... He's heard from the
bathroom belting out "Life is but a dream... she-boom, she-
boom."
ANGELA
(she panics)
Quick, he's coming back. Put the gag
back in, and remember the gun!
Ted hurries to replace the sock in her mouth.
TED
Nine thousand, three hundred and
twenty-two times, to the best of my
estimation.
INT. ROOM
Sigfried coughs, sending a chill up Ted's spine. Ted whips
around to discover Sigfried leaning up against the door to
the bathroom.
SIGFRIED
I was just beginning to think I could
trust you, Theodore. Silly me.
Ted's fingers are frozen over Angela's lips.
TED
I was just trying to help her breathe
a little.
SIGFRIED
Don't let me stop you, Teddy. You
don't mind me calling you Teddy, do
you?
TED
That's fine.
SIGFRIED
I used to have a little bunny rabbit
named Teddy, it looked real cute
nibbling on Angela's ear. Only problem
here is you're no bunny rabbit,
Theodore, and it really fuckin' razzes
me to picture you doin' it. But don't
let me stop you, Teddy... no need to
play sneaky-poo.
Ted starts to back toward the door.
TED
Look, man, if this is some kind of
Voodoo thing and you want me to have
sex with your wife, there is
absolutely no way.
SIGFRIED
(shouts at the top of
his lungs)
I said, nibble, asshole! Now!
The directness of Sigfried's command, coupled with the SOUND
of a trigger being cocked, forces Ted to approach Angela.
Angela is a stunning beauty, and Ted being kind of a shy guy
makes for an awkward situation. Ted leans forward. As he
closes in, Angela's eyes close.
TED
(whispers)
Sorry, lady.
Ted pulls up short of actually nibbling on Angela.
SIGFRIED
What's the matter, no whiz left in
the cheese? I'm not cramping your
style, am I?
TED
Look, I'm not playing this game
anymore.
Sigfried yanks Ted backwards. He wraps his arms around him.
SIGFRIED
It's almost all over, Theodore, and
soon you can go home to Mommy.
Ted struggles to free himself from Sigfried's powerful bear
hug and blasts out the following monologue.
TED
My name is not Theodore, it's TED,
TED, TED, T... E... D... TED... NOT
TEDDY, NOT THEODORE... TED... Yes,
my mother did me the service of naming
me Theodore and I haven't a clue as
to how you know that because everyone
who knows that lives a long way away
from here. Do you have any idea what
it's like to go to school where all
the other kids' parents are in jail
doing time for crimes like grand
larceny, aggravated assault, burglary
and murder, and you get stuck with a
mother who names you Theodore and
dressed you up in little matching
pink outfits with, get this, a little
blue bow fucking tie! Well, I'll
tell you what happens. Pretty soon
Theodore becomes "Theo the Thumper,"
and when Theo the Thumper gets old
enough, he packs his bags and goes
thousands of miles away where he can
put the whole bloody mess behind
him. So, if you don't mind, shoot me
now, because no one is going to call
me that again. My name is Ted, okay?
Got it? TED!
Sigfried has followed the entire tirade in stunned silence.
He takes a step toward Ted and offers him his hand.
SIGFRIED
Sigfried.
TED
What?
SIGFRIED
My name is Sigfried.
TED
Sigfried?
Sigfried cuts a "Something wrong with that?" look at Ted.
SIGFRIED
Yah, Sigfried.
TED
Nice to meet you, Sigfried.
Ted cautiously takes Sigfried's hand.
SIGFRIED
Very impressive, Ted. "Theo the
Thumper?"... Ouch. It's a deal, kid.
Ted it will be.
TED
Thanks.
Sigfried holds onto Ted's hand. The soft sound of distant
fireworks pops in the background. Car horns and a muffled
countdown signal that it's New Year's.
Sigfried moves uncomfortably close to Ted and from out of
nowhere bolts forward, planting a wet kiss right on Ted's
mouth. Something snaps in Sigfried. He is either really
getting off on this or he is caught in the grips of a seizure.
He doubles back on the floors. Ted and Angela watch as he
flops around like a flounder with the cocked gun waving all
over the place. Ted wipes his mouth with his jacket sleeve
while trying to dodge the barrel of the gun.
TED
You okay, mister? I'll get help!
Sigfried manages to steady the gun and point it directly at
Ted. He signals for Ted to go to the bathroom.
TED
(continuing)
That's the wrong door, sir.
Sigfried grabs Ted by the leg and shove the barrel of the
gun into his crotch.
Sigfried pulls Ted's face closer to his.
SIGFRIED
Get me the nitro... it's in the
bathroom cabinet. Now!
Ted rushes into the bathroom, leaving Sigfried a babbling
mess behind.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM--SAME TIME
Ted enters the bathroom, which appears shaken by an
earthquake. Towels and wet clothes are all over the place.
An evening gown is flushed halfway down the toilet and pills
are everywhere. Sigfried is shouting from the other room to
hurry. Ted checks the cabinet, searching for a bottle marked
"Nitro." No luck.
Ted spots a small window set above the toilet.
He figures this is the best chance he's got to make a break.
Ted goes for it. He manages to get his head and one arm
through the window before he gets stuck. His legs dangle in
the bathroom. Struggle as he may, he can only hit the toilet-
bowl lever, which sends a loud FLUSH SOUND out through the
apartment.
SIGFRIED (O.S.)
(shouting in the
distance)
It's no time to take a leak, Teddy,
I'm fucking dying here!
EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW--NIGHT
Outside the window, Ted's in another world. He's almost safe.
It's a strange feeling, kind of like bathing in warm water
in paradise, knowing a huge shark is ready to rip his ass
off. He can see the flickering red glowing light from the
witches' room from the floor below.
EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND BELOW--NIGHT
Ted sees Eva bopping naked past the window. He shouts her
name out, to no avail.
The MUSIC drowns out his voice and they ignore his calls for
help. The blood rushes to his head. He lets himself hang
there for a moment. He wonders how many other people have
found themselves in situations like this before him. Probably
everyone. Right next to his face, Ted recognizes a bloody
hand print. It's not his blood.
EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND ABOVE--NIGHT
Ted hears a sound from above and twists himself around,
spotting a young man (previously seen as the Yuppie Scumbag
on the phone) leaning out of the window directly above him.
After a quick moment of sizing him up, Ted gathers himself.
TED
Hi...
No answer. Something's wrong with the guy, all the blood is
drained from his face and he is mumbling something.
TED
Listen, I'm stuck here in a situation
that I can't even begin to explain,
but would you be so kind as to get
help? Could you call the police,
please?
Silence.
TED
(continuing)
You okay?
The young man manages to belt out the word "ice" just before
hurling a mouthful of vomit toward Ted. It takes all Ted's
strength to dodge the puke and pull himself back into the
bathroom. He falls back on the floor.
He props himself up and checks for damage. He notices
something odd... the room is silent. No Sigfried. He walks
into the bedroom.